Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 5

 

Before I begin, I just want to ask for a moment of silence for Hodor, whom we lost at the end of last night’s episode. Thus brings down the tally of genuinely kind, honorable, uncorrupt characters on GoT to 3, by my estimation.

This episode, titled “The Door,” will be forever remembered for Hodor’s sacrifice. But actually a lot of important things happened in this episode that must also be remembered. We open on Sansa, whose sewing is interrupted by a letter. It turns out to be Littlefinger asking her to meet him secretly in a nearby town (instead of what I feared was yet another graphic communication from Ramsey). I’ve never been fond of Sansa, but I was proud when she confronted Littlefinger for “rescuing” her from one monster, only to hand her off to a worse one. I cheered internally when she dragged out her verbal smackdown, making him list all the ways he assumed Ramsey had hurt her. She very bravely and discreetly relays the horror of her rape, and follows that up with the threat of Brienne cleaving Baelish cleanly in two, if she desired it. But sadly, she doesn’t have Brienne cut down Baelish. Like her mother, Sansa still has some inexplicable soft spot for Littlefinger – so the fucker lives to see another day.

Thus ends my satisfaction with Sansa, and thus begins my utter incredulity: BITCH WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TURN DOWN THE ARMIES OF THE VALE!?!?!?!? Ahem. So Littlefinger offers her help via the Armies of the Vale and Sansa shoots him down, despite having lived in Winterfell under Bolton rule knowing full well she needs all the fucking help she can get. #facepalm  Baelish seems to have anticipated her reluctance to accept his help and informs her that she might seek help from her Uncle “Blackfish” Tully in the Riverlands, who has assembled an army of bannermen. Is he telling the truth? I don’t trust the sonofabitch but for Sansa and Jon’s sake, I hope so: because Sansa makes this information known in the War Room back at Castle Black, but lies when Davos and company ask her how she knew this. Later, Brienne criticizes Sansa’s choice to hide the fact that they just met with Littlefinger from Jon. Brienne knows it’s not a good jumping off point in that familial relationship, which until recently, didn’t really exist. Sansa also thinks that she can also scare up some of the other families in the North because of her Stark heritage (which Jon Snow can’t rightly claim) – we’ll find out soon enough if she’s right. Now Brienne has been tasked with riding off to the Riverlands to petition the Blackfish on Sansa’a behalf, and she really doesn’t want to leave Sansa behind because of adorable reasons. Props to whoever wrote Brienne’s take on Jon: “A bit brooding, but that’s understandable, considering…” and to whomever was responsible for filming this moment:

To sum up with Sansa: she is clearly trying very hard to play the game and be cunning and worthy of the Stark name- hence her new Wolf-embroidered dress (which Jon compliments) and her conviction in the War Room. I respect that she’s trying to foster and maintain a positive relationship with her bastard brother (she even makes him a replica of Ned’s cloak – to the best of her recollection). And I’m glad that she stood up for herself and tried to cut Littlefinger down to size – but at this point I think her truest motive is taking down Ramsey to avenge what has been done to her and to Winterfell. We all want Sansa to have her revenge, but face it: she’s no Beatrix Kiddo. I think she wants Ramsey dead more than she wants to rule the North, and if Kill Bill tells us nothing, you’re gonna have to kill a hell of a lot of people to reach the Big Bad – and I have a feeling Brienne and Pod are going to end up casualties.

The other Lady Stark, Arya, is tasked with her first post-blindness assassination: Lady Crane, a minstrel actress whose current role is none other than Cersei Lannister! CAN WE FREAKING APPRECIATE THAT IF THIS GOES TO PLAN, ARYA WILL GET TO METAPHORICALLY CROSS ANOTHER NAME OFF HER KILL LIST!?!?! Jaqen tests Arya’s assertion that she is “no one” by sending her to Lady Crane’s show, which holy shit: is a Renaissance Faire rendition of a foreign nation’s interpretation of Season One of GoT. I’m not sure what to think: either Jaquen suspects that Arya will be angry enough with the play’s buffoonish portrayal of the beheading of her father that she will have no trouble killing the actress, or it’s yet another test to prove that Arya can never actually be a Faceless Man/”no one” for the exact same reason: if she were truly no one, she wouldn’t be affected by emotionally-charged minstrel shows, right? Based on the fact that the Waif expressed earlier that Arya could never truly become a Faceless Man because of her heritage/Jaqen’s story about the slavery-based origins of the Order, I’m guessing it’s the latter. Upon explaining to Jaqen that A Girl plans to poison the Lady’s rum, she seems to feel badly about it since the actress herself seems kind and decent. How many of the rest of you feel like someone else is going to drink the rum and Arya will mistakenly kill another actor in the show? Most likely the dude with his wang out on full display who played Joffrey – it would only be fair, considering how nearly all of the other actresses who were pointlessly naked onscreen died terrible deaths in seasons past.

We break from the Starks momentarily to check in on Dany. It looks like the entire Khalasar is preparing to leave Vaes Dothrak, and Jorah makes the ultimate confession: 1. He is in love with Dany, and 2. He has Greyscale. Dany is heartbroken – she obviously doesn’t feel the same way romantically (FRIENDZONE CONFIRMED), but she does love Jorah – he’s been there for her even after two banishments, and rather than let him go off to die alone she commands him to find a cure for the disease because "When I take the seven kingdoms, I need you by my side."

Tyrion and Varys are looking for a spin doctor to help improve Dany’s favorability in Meereen, where violence has been down but so still is morale. Enter the Other Red Woman, Kinvara. As it turns out, I was right about that short scene back in episode one: The Lord of Light will have a role to play in Dany’s reign in Essos. This Priestess, Kinvara, is unlike Melisandre because according to her: Daenerys is Azor Ahai, not Jon Snow! She plans to have her preachers spread this prophecy among the populace, because as any political jockey can tell you, the best and fastest way to prop up a monarch is to show Divine favorability of their reign. Dragons with a profound ability to burn down dissidents doesn’t hurt either. Varys, as a cipher for the skeptical audience, points out with some hostility that the Red Woman they know was certain that Stannis Baratheon was Azor Ahai – and he’s dead now, so why should this Priestess be any wiser (they don’t know about Risen Snow yet, so Stannis is their most recent reference)?  Kinvara writes this off as an honest mistake by Melisandre, reassuring T and V that they serve the same Queen, and to further stick it to Varys for his lack of faith, she recalls how he became a eunuch, and implies that the Voice who spoke to the sadistic sorcerer who cut off his boy bits was none other than R’hllor. *Shudder* So either she was present when Varys was mutilated, she knew the Sorcerer, or she is actually researching her potential allies by conversing with the Lord of Light. CREEPY!

This is actually a super important sequence because it brings yet another fan theory into play: that Dany is the prophesied Azor Ahai reborn. If you Google the notion, you’ll find that the theory is quite convincing – she fits the bill more so than Jon Snow, if we’re going by the books. I personally want to see an end battle that is Jon vs. Dany, so this makes that possibility more concrete. #TeamSnow tho.

Across the sea, we witness the Kingsmoot. Yara looks to be the victor after Theon’s impassioned endorsement, until Uncle Euron Greyjoy shows up and waves his metaphorical dick around and clinches the Crown. Euron contends that he is a more befitting ruler because 1. He killed Balon, 2. Yara is a girl, 3. Theon is missing his dick, 4. He’s been around the world and will use his cosmopolitan dick to coerce a marriage with Dany (who has a savage army and dragons across the ocean), and the pair will conquer Westeros together. Despite looking like a scarier Ewan McGregor, Euron is high on my list of dudes I can’t freaking wait to see murdered. Wisely, while Euron is being drowned in order to be crowned in a (dangerous pre-CPR era) ritual, Yara, Theon, and their followers steal all the best ships from Pyke and head off in Dany’s direction, hoping to jump on her bandwagon before Euron can. Was anyone else taken aback by Euron’s foolish notion that he isn’t actually completely fucked? For one: have you seen a single tree on the Iron Islands?! Unless they can rebuild 100 ships in less than a week, there’s no way he’s beating them to Meereen. Another: the Dany I know would never consent to a marriage with Euron Greyjoy. An alliance, perhaps, which is what I could see happening with the Greyjoy siblings – but a marriage, no. I suspect this guy is supposed to represent a chaos bomb akin to the Joker in The Dark Knight, but honestly he comes off like that stupid accountant that tries to blackmail Lucius about the Batmobile – in waaaaaaaaay over his head. But this is television, so you better bet that he miraculously pulls off his plan to rebuild in time to cause conflict on the show.

Before moving on to Bran, it’s time to acknowledge that the GoT writers are continuing their feminism streak with no signs of stopping. Sansa, Dany, and Yara are all currently in leadership roles, and Arya is obviously old school in her badassery in assassin training. Another Red Priestess is calling the shots in Dany’s political makeover, and we’re now gratuitously exploiting male genitalia on the big screen – that scene was specifically thrown in to chagrin feminist GoT detractors, I suspect. I hope the trend continues, because Euron Greyjoy’s chauvinist tirade made me yearn for his death in the most schadenfreude-ian way possible.

So: Bran. Bran is greenseeing with 3ER, and we learn another hugely important historical lesson: it was the Children of the Forest who created the White Walkers thousands of years ago in an effort to defeat the First Men. Specifically, it was Leaf, who has been aiding 3ER. Obviously their monster turned on them as well as their intended victims (we know in the books that a Pact is made between the CotF and the First Men and they build the Wall to keep them trapped in the Far North). We witness the birth of the Night King through Bran’s eyes, and unfortunately we also see the Night King in real-time complete with his wight army when Bran goes back to investigate during 3ER’s nap.

I new this was coming and it STILL scared the shit out of me...

Goddammit, Bran! Now the Night King is on to them and there’s no stopping their impending doom! Meera and the CotF do their best to GTF out of the cave under the weirwood tree, but Hodor is understandably having a panic attack and won’t cooperate. Meera and friends haul ass with Bran on the cart, but it isn’t enough. 3ER is cut down, and it seems Bran can’t leave his greenscene (which is currently stuck back at Winterfell when Ned is about to ship out to the Vale for his squiring period), which is preventing him from warging into Hodor in the present, but…. we see Wylis at Winterfell in the past.  Leaf and Summer the direwolf are cut down, leaving Hodor alone to slam the door shut to the cave full of wights. With Meera pulling Bran away into the wilderness in the present, Bran tragically wargs into Wylis mid-greenscene. Appearing to his mother and others to be having a seizure of some kind, Wylis begins calling out “HOLD THE DOOR” – echoing what Bran is hearing in the present from Meera, who is begging Hodor to keep the cave door shut long enough to get Bran to safety. We now know how Hodor became “Hodor” – in an ironic twist of cruel fate, Wylis lost his mind because of Bran’s warging, leaving behind only remnants of the commandment he heard: “Hold the door.” For decades, we have unbeknownst to us been privy to Hodor’s fate: to prevent Bran’s death at the hands of the Night King.

This knowledge is HUGE: we know for sure that Bran can alter the past with his greenseeing abilities. In fact, the whole GoT time-space continuum can be altered if Bran so desired! But as 3ER said: Bran is not prepared to be his successor, so who knows what will happen now. Without mastery over his abilities Bran probably shouldn’t be missing with history, even though that would open up a whole world of possibilities.

This episode was ROUGH. Still holding out hope that Bran stumbles across infant Jon Snow in the Tower of Joy – C’MON, YOU OWE US FOR HODOR!

Next episode: showdown at Kings Landing over Margaery’s Walk of Shame.

Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 4

This episode was the first thus far of this season that I am comfortable categorizing as “excellent,” because so many people reunited and staged awesome comebacks I could barely contain my “YAS, QUEEN!”s – and I’m not just talking about Dany.

We begin at The Wall, with Jon getting ready to leave, and poor Edd sulking about it in the background. As the fates align, we have the Stark reunion we have been waiting for since Season 2, albeit from two siblings we never actually saw interact on the show, which made their embrace that much more compelling: Jon and Sansa. Yay! I for one would have loved to have seen a Jon/Arya or Jon/Bran reunion because they actually had a positive relationship growing up, whereas Sansa treated Jon  much like her one-dimensional mother did: with contempt. It’s because of this that their reunion is most poetic because after all that Jon and Sansa have suffered through separately, them seeing each other now after 3 or 4 years is like stumbling on an oasis in a desert. We also find the two in roles entirely reversed from when they left Winterfell – Jon left a powerless bastard who had to fight to show his worth, Sansa left an infatuated spoiled brat: now Jon seeks to relinquish his role as Lord Commander and avoid yet another bloody conflict, and Sansa is righteous, thirsty for a showdown with Ramsey to oust the fucker from her ancestral home.

While Jon and Sansa bond, Brienne calls out Melisandre and Davos (who were already bickering about Melisandre’s new conviction that Stannis was a false alarm because clearly Jon is Azor Ahai – tell that to Shireen!) for their support of Stannis Baratheon: and makes sure they know she was the one who cut him down. She cast some serious shade at these two, the Red Woman in particular, and I think she’s entirely justified in her disdain. It’s the first case of enemies coming together to serve a mutual purpose in this episode: now they all serve the Starks, so they must table their differences. Shout out to Tormund, who apparently has a giant-fetish because he wants Brienne and made it pretty obvious in multiple scenes.

Cut to the Vale – where Robin Arryn is gifted a fancy falcon by Uncle Petyr, making his season debut, all the while threatening Robin’s caretaker in his own house because he dared to call him out on his shit for marrying Sansa off to Ramsey. This dude knows Littlefinger’s whole shtick is backstabbery and coercion and he doesn’t for a second buy that Littlefinger was forced to let Sansa go, so I don’t know why the Lord is at all surprised when Baelish implies he should take a trip out the Moondoor, but the take away is – the armies of the Vale are now poised to rally around Cousin Sansa in the North! Hell yes! It will be interesting to see which side Baelish comes down on in the future – presumably whomever wins because he’s played any and all sides to make sure he comes out alive and on top.

Back in Meereen, Tyrion is cutting deals with the representatives from the other city-states along Slaver’s Bay to ensure they stop funding the Sons of the Harpy. You can see that Greyworm and Missandei are a few white-privileged comments away from hucking Tyrion off a high wall – they respect their Queen’s choice to appoint him as an advisor, but they can only put up with so much. I totally get their point – as much as I like Tyrion, he totally is out of his depth when it comes to slavery: seven years to do away with the practice?! He was a slave for like 4 days, he should understand that 2555 days is a horrific compromise. I don’t even think we can come away from the meeting with the Masters as meaningless lip-service – I think he truly believes he’s being diplomatic, avoiding war. As Americans we all know: it took a bloody, horrific war to quash out the practice of slavery – and almost 200 years later the descendants of slaves still have to face unequal treatment in our society. More on the possibility of war later….

Back in King’s Landing, the High Sparrow has released Margaery from her cell, and explains to her through a very drawn out monologue how he came to be a man of the Gods (mostly what I got out of it was an explanation as to why he and his followers don’t wear shoes). He then lets her see her brother, Loras, who is the Reek of Season 6. Loras is ready to crack and confess to whatever sin they suggest he committed, and to her credit Margaery is still singing the “FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME” anthem and urges Loras not to give in, because if they give in the evil Sparrows win. I never really had a positive or negative opinion of Margaery; she was an obvious opportunist and someone who clearly was capable of playing mind-games and excelling at it, but I never really cared about her fate. I’m hoping now that she hasn’t been broken by her imprisonment and that she stays true to her conviction that she isn’t a terrible enough person to have to commit a do-over of Cersei’s Walk of Shame –

- which we find out moments later from Cersei (who, with Jaime, has intruded on yet another small council meeting) is exactly what the High Sparrow is planning on doing to her. Cersei informs Kevan and Lady Olenna that if they don’t jailbreak Margaery soon, she will be forced to walk naked through the streets to atone – and even Cersei isn’t having it. Not because she cares about Margaery at all – she makes that clear to Tommen – but because it would destroy the image of superiority that a Queen should have, and in effect it would belittle the entire power structure as it stands: and no peasant is going strip any of these entitled assholes of their stature. No WAY!!! So this group of enemies makes a pact to kill the High Sparrow and his cult by enlisting the Tyrell armies to storm the Red Keep. On a serious note: even though the High Sparrow is essentially trying to pull a Daenerys here and “break the wheel” so that the everyday people of Westeros can live with dignity and relative security, and the Lannisters and the Tyrells are basically the Trumps of the Seven Kingdoms: I still have to condemn the Faith Militant and hope for fate to come out on the side of Team Lannister/Tyrell because there’s no reasoning with religious zealotry. Margaery and Tommen, given the chance, might be a fair Queen and King: better than Cersei and Robert, and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than Joffrey. At least until Dany or the White Walkers come to conquer them….

Up in the North, Ramsey very unsurprisingly kills Osha amidst her attempt to seduce him long enough to cut his throat. It almost seems as though the writers are making feminist commentary with this death – using sex to achieve your goals is soooooo Seasons 1-5 – you best use your head or else you’re going to wind up dead! RIP Osha, thanks for keeping Rickon safe so far, hope to see you in a flashback! I’d really like to see her come back as a White Walker and fuck Ramsey’s shit up, but I digress…

At The Wall, a Bolton bannerman rides to give Jon Snow (“I’m not the Lord Commander anymore,” he says sheepishly) correspondence from mad dog Ramsey, who in a letter-that-will-launch-a-thousand-memes details all the fucked up shit he’s going to do to him, Sansa, and Rickon. Sansa doesn’t shy away from the words – she snatches the letter from Jon and reads for the room about the rape and carnage that awaits the Starks and Castle Black. She gets Jon and Tormond to agree that the army of Wildings will have to march to meet Ramsey at Winterfell – how could you deny her when she drops a line like this:  "A monster has taken our home and our brother. We have to go back to Winterfell and save them both." To Jon and company this sounds like suicide, but to us it sounds like a recipe for a MOTHER FUCKING BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS because we know that Littlefinger is leading an army of men from the Vale to sack Winterfell for Sansa! Yeah, boi!!!!!!!!!!!! Hold on to your body parts, Rickon – Jon and Sansa are coming!

From that high note we plummet to the Iron Islands, where Theon has returned home to his unenthused sister, who berates him for refusing to come with her when she tried to rescue him from Ramsey a few seasons ago. She assumes he has delusions of becoming King, since he arrived home just in time for the Kingsmoot – but all Theon wants is a place to stay where he won’t have to run from vicious dogs or witness horrific rape or be tortured, so he offers to support Yara in her bid to become Queen. Theon Greyjoy serving a woman!? How the tides have turned – it’s the best possible place for him to be, joking aside. I still don’t care at all about this storyline so I’m glad we only had 4 mins of it to sit through.

Earlier we suffered through a brief glimpse in Vaes Dothrak, where Lord Friendzone and Fuckboy plot to rescue Dany from the Dothraki (and Daario finds out about Jorah’s greyscale and is surprisingly cool with it). Under cover of darkness, they bungle an attempt to go undetected and had to cave in some dude’s skull. Do we care? This is Game of Thrones – so no.

 Dany is treated well by the Head Dosh Khaleen, who says she hopes that the Khals let her live and that she will be a welcome addition. Dany attempts to seem glad to be alive to sit through another lecture but clearly can’t muster the energy – she goes to pee and takes a very young Khal widow as her bathroom chaperone, and makes small talk with her, only to be ambushed by Jorah and Daario. Dany puts these chuckleheads in their place – there’s no way they’re escaping alive – so she asks the girl to not betray her and goes off to meet her fate in the temple, where the Khals are assembled.

Just when you’ve counted Daenerys out – when her arrogance and her self-absorption leaves you numb to her troubles – this bitch BURNS A CITY TO THE GROUND and punches the witnesses in the face with feminism. In a hallelujah moment harking back to the ends of season one and season three, Dany shows the Khals that they’re small potatoes and she is a goddamn fry cook by setting fire to the temple they are all in – which Daario and Jorah have barricaded shut. Turns out Dany didn’t need to be saved – she just needed an opportunity to showcase what she excels at – using fire to wipe the slate clean and emerge victorious. As the temple burns, Dany walks out naked and unscathed like a boss – and all of the Dothraki kneel in awe.

Presumably, Dany has an army formidable enough to retake Meereen and the rest of Slaver’s Bay in the entire assembled population of Dothraki – so hopefully Tyrion’s shitty seven year compromise won’t ever have to take effect. Let’s ride high on this triumph and hope for good things for the common people/slaves of Essos.

Next Episode: Looks like a start to the Kingsmoot *snore*, but Bran gets a visit from the freaking King of the White Walkers! Hope that’s just a greenseeing vision and not the real thing!



Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 3

A note before we begin, on spoilers: Don't read the blog (or any other kind of episode recap on the interweb) if you don't want exposure to fan theories that might turn out to be true later on in the season. You have been warned....

....We open on Davos’ shocked face because he’s staring at a newly breathing Jon Snow – my face was more like  because I’m staring at a mostly naked Kit Harrington. ***DROOL*** The Onion Knight quickly comes to Jon’s aid as panic sets in and all of his recent memories come flooding back; throwing his cloak over him and conducting real talk about the miracle that just happened, much to even Melisandre’s surprise. It seems Jon is still Jon, who is understandably mindfucked about the fact that his men just murdered him hours before, yet he’s currently breathing despite multiple open stab wounds to the torso. There appears to be no loss to his faculties nor, as we see later in the episode, to his character. And despite Ygritte’s meme-worthy assertion, Jon seems to know some existential shit now: Melisandre kneels before him and asks about what he saw in the afterlife, presumably eager to hear what the Lord of Light may have said/shown to Jon, and he reveals that “there was nothing at all.” BOOM – it would seem there is no afterlife – which now begs the question – does R’hllor the god actually exist, because, if not – how the hell was Melisandre able to pull a Beric Dondarrion? How was Beric Dondarrion able to Beric Dondarrion!? Who is pulling the magic strings here if not the presumed deities of Westeros? Hmmm.

With resurrected Jon having been immediately addressed, we move to the most important part of this episode: the Tower of Joy flashback!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well known to GoT book readers, this scene is frequently recalled by Ned Stark, when he and Howland Reed attempted to rescue Lyanna Stark from the clutches of her royal captors following Robert’s Rebellion and slayed Arthur Dayne, the best swordsman of the Kingsguard. As Bran and 3ER observe what actually happened, Bran is disturbed by what he sees, thus contributing somewhat to this episode’s title: “Oathbreaker.” Before I continue, can I just put it out there that it is criminally ironic for an episode called “Oathbreaker” to only nominally feature Jaime Lannister? Anyway, what Bran sees is not the tall tale that was famous to everyone in the North – Ned doesn’t slay Dayne in single combat, Dayne gets stabbed in the back by Howland Reed and Ned gratefully finishes him off, because until then it seemed Dayne would have been the victor. This is a chink in Ned Stark’s previously thick persona of integrity, and Bran wants to follow his father up the stairs to see what else differs from his telling of the story (that he discovered Lyanna Stark, dying in a bed soaked in blood, and so brought her body home to Winterfell). IT EVEN APPEARS BRAN REACHED OUT TO NED MID-GREENSEEING – he calls out to his dad and young Ned pauses and turns around to investigate, but 3ER is having none of it, and pulls Bran from the memory. This scene is hugely important because it implies, despite 3ER’s insistence that the ink on history’s page is dry and Bran can’t affect the past, that he can in fact reach out to people while greenseeing – but those listening hear whispers on the wind, nothing more. What Ned actually found upstairs will either confirm the most widespread fan theory in all of GoT’s literary history - or it won’t.  I’m going to guess and say before the end of the season we’ll have a positive confirmation that an infant Jon Snow is upstairs with his mother, Lyanna Stark: possibly also an infant Meera Reed, who is speculated by many to be Leia to Jon’s Luke Skywalker. Only Bran will be able reveal the truth.

Another Oathbreaker of sorts is Samwell Tarly, who is on a ship with Gilly and Lil Sam on their way to Olde Town, or so Gilly thinks. Sam knows there’s no women allowed at Maester University, and he won’t have Jon Snow or Maestor Aemon to bend the rules, so he breaks the news to Gilly that he’ll actually be taking her to his home, where his female relatives will look out for her. She seems ok with this, and tells Sam that she considers him to be Lil Sam’s father – which he is in every way but biological. This raises an interesting question: when Sam gets her home, is he going to try and pass Gilly off as his mistress and Lil Sam as his bastard!? Or will he just appeal to his mom and sister’s good nature and say that shit at The Wall is too dangerous for a mom and baby so please help? I’ve always loved Sam  as a character and have consistently been pleased with his portrayal onscreen, because he is one of maybe 4 characters in the whole of Westeros who only has benevolent intentions (Ned Stark lost his head so really he’s one of 3?). He started out a cowardly bookworm and he’s shaped up to be a stand-up guy with conviction and purpose, and I was happy to see him back on the show, even if he was puking for 85% of his screen time.

Dany is no stranger to oathbreaking, but in this case I don’t feel comfortable labeling her as such. She’s unceremoniously dropped off with the Dosh Khaleen and stripped of her clothes and given a strict run down of her immediate future – when Dany went off and conquered Slaver’s Bay, she was breaking an unspoken social contract to go immediately to Vaes Dothrak following Drogo’s death – so they won’t accept her outright. Her fate is in limbo, to be decided by the gathered Khals. Dany is still of the mind that she’s entitled to a more fulfilling life than that of a Dothraki soothsayer, and I agree, but her arrogance is grating and former Khaleesi Sovo didn’t put her in check enough, IMO. But why didn’t any of Drogo’s khalasar even mention Vaes Dothrak after he died? Were they all just too dumbstruck about her surviving the funeral pyre? I say fuck this place – hoping Jorah and Daario jailbreak her soon.

The middle of this episode was clearly subtitled “Comic Relief” because they tried hard to lighten the mood, and were mildly successful. We got to enjoy Olenna Tyrell quip like a boss when Cersei, Jaime and Franken-Mountain barge in on a small-council meeting, when she retorts after some confusion on Cersier’s part: “Margaery is the queen. You are not the queen because you are not married to the king. I do appreciate that these things can get a bit confusing in your family." SHOTS FIRED! The scene basically plays out like a cafeteria feud in a clique-y high school: Team Lannister comes to the table, and Team Tyrell gets up and walks away, unwilling to entertain any of their shenanigans. I don’t foresee Team Tyrell coming out on top though, because if their goal is to free Margaery and Loras, they need King Tommen to drop the hammer, and he’s so boringly teenage in his ability to be manipulated by stronger personalities that he can’t even go five minutes without being sweet talked by the High Sparrow about how Cersei hasn’t actually suffered enough, mmkay kid? The age-old adage is true: if you don’t stand for something, you can fall for anything.

There’s some footage of Varys coercing a Meereenese prostitute into giving him info on the Sons of the Harpy (who are being funded by many foreign powers interested in reinstating the Masters to their former glory), while Tyrion tries to make small talk and bond with Greyworm and Missandei. He fails miserably of course because T only knows sarcasm and drinking games and these guys haven’t ever had fun in their lives. It’s an interesting scene though because it makes it evident that Tyrion is suuuuuuuper privileged despite all of his hardships and is wildly out of touch with the majority of people who supported Dany, and just how devoid of fun this population really is. I genuinely feel bad for our group of known characters and the regular people of Meereen and the shitshow that Dany left behind for them all.

Back at Castle Black, Jon is met by the remaining Night’s Watch and the Wildings, who are predictably in awe of his resurrection. There’s a strong Jesus allusion - because Jesus is the world’s most famous zombie – but Jon reassures everyone that he’s still himself, and he’s def not a god. Then he hangs his murderers for mutiny, which I was glad about. Sir Alliser doesn’t blubber or apologize, which I respected. People are all up in arms about his hanging Ollie, but FUCK THAT – all of those jerks refused to look at the bigger picture and chose to break a vow and they murdered their Lord Commander because he cut a deal with the Wildings. Now – the Wildings aren’t innocent and no one said they were, but the damn FROZEN ARMY OF THE DEAD + WHITEWALKERS are just on the other side of The Wall, so freaking table your blood lust until after that catastrophe is addressed, no? So I don’t at all feel bad for Ollie, he was a punkass bitch who got what he deserved. End of rant. Jon ends his screen time by passing off his Commander cloak to Edd (isn’t this an elected position? Not that Edd couldn’t win the election, he’s the most qualified dude left I guess) and leaving Castle Black, because his Watch has ended. You know, because he died, so now he’s released from his oath. He’s like Dany here: he didn’t really break any oaths but “Oath-loop-holers” isn’t a good title.

Let’s not forget Arya’s awesome training montage – which is a not-so-subtle homage to Rocky and other ‘80s action flicks complete with the trainer observing approvingly in the background. She’s got her vision back thanks to her commitment to becoming No One – excited to see what the next phase of her training is now that her sight is restored. Kill mission soon???

Last but not least, the return of long lost Rickon Stark – home again under the worst possible circumstances. There’s a whole lot of speculation about where he’s been with Osha and Shaggydog for the past 3 seasons, but from what I understood they had fled to the very lands of the assclown that offered them up to Ramsey, Lord Umber. I don’t know if Lord Umber is making a truce in earnest by handing over a true heir of Winterfell, or if this is some kind of elaborate opportunistic/backstabbing plan (he wouldn’t swear fealty to Ramsey so I can only assume that means if favorability swaps to another side Umber won’t to be known as an “Oathbreaker” if he flip-flops allegiance), but it’s obvious that Rickon and Osha are up a creek and it’s not clear if they’ll be able to fashion a paddle. I hope for their sake they remain in whole pieces until Jon Snow can come and rescue them, which is what I assume will happen in one way or another now that Jon’s Watch has ended.

Next Episode: Sansa and company reach The Wall – did they cross paths with Jon? And Boo – more Iron Islands/Theon crap. Let’s hope for another nude Jon Snow scene!

Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 2

JON SNOW WATCH: He's ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

That’s right, kids: Jon Snow is back in play, quashing the futile insistence by the entire GoT cast that he was simply dead. Of course he isn’t dead! Just in the way nobody believed Gandalf was gone forever, neither could JS be: there’s too much riding on his character! I have high hopes that we’re going to confirm the long standing fan theory this season that Jon is in fact the true heir to the Seven Kingdoms as the progeny of Rheagar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark: not of Ned Stark and some random woman (which would actually make him Ned’s nephew, Arya/Sansa/Bran/Rickon’s cousin, and Dany’s nephew – as if things weren’t messy and complicated enough), as well as possibly being the prophesized Azor Ahai (who Melisandre had thought had been reborn as Stannis Baratheon because of her visions).

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s start back at the beginning of this episode where we were given our first glimpse of Bran since Season 4. Bran is looking well, having been holed up with the 3-Eyed Raven (in what strongly resembles Carcosa from True Detective Season 1) and the Children of the Forest for the past year. Bran and 3ER are viewing an event from the past at Winterfell: a scene were we see Bran’s dad Ned, uncle Benjen, and long dead aunt Lyanna as children. We also see young Hodor, or Wylis, as was his name as a normal functioning stable boy. In the books, Hodor’s birth name is Walder: a moniker he shares with the devious Walder Frey. I’m wondering if they chose to alter Hodor’s name on the show to avoid name confusion with this other character, or if Benioff and Weiss are trolling us with this “Wylis” thing because if you have any familiarity with 80’s pop culture you’ll recognize the oft quoted “What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” from Diff’rent Strokes. The irony is palpable, no? Anyway, as we can see Bran’s greenseeing abilities allows him to tap into history as viewed through weirwood trees. The theory is that greenseers can see anything that the trees would have witnessed (it’s not clear what the distance range is, but this is fictional magic so clearly there’s a lot of leeway) throughout its entire life – even events that haven’t actually happened yet for humans. Harking again back to True Detective: I guess for weirwood trees, time is also a flat circle.

Bran is clearly energized to have new insight into his abilities and his past, and excitedly asks Hodor to bring him to Meera Reed so he can share, only to find her mopey and uninterested outside in the snow. She’s clearly bored, not sharing her brother or Bran’s magic powers, so I have sympathy, but as the Child of the Forest clarifies: Bran and Meera won’t be stuck under the Weirwood Tree forever, so just suck it up and enjoy the calm before the storm.

Back at Castle Black, good ol’ Davos and company were prepared to do battle against the rest of the traitorous Nights Watch to protect Jon’s corpse, luckily to be spared the effort thanks to the Wildings, who barge in to save the day. I’m sure you could compare Sir Alliser to any xenophobic demagogue, but his anti-Wildling mutiny bullshit feels like a clear take on what’s going on currently in America with Trump and all his bigoted followers. Obviously the books were written prior to this election cycle, but it’s pretty creepy how relevant this plotline is. Anyone else hoping the giant would stomp on Ollie? I was pissed that he lived, TBH.

Speaking of smashing people, the Kingsguard-formerly-known-as-The-Mountain isn’t too high and mighty to head-crush small potatoes, as we saw in that alley. I don’t know why that whole sequence was necessary; it was a waste of 3 minutes, IMO. Jaime has gained back a small iota of my respect for his parenting skills at Myrcella’s funeral and for threatening the High Sparrow in the Sept. I feel like if Jaime still had his good hand all those fuckers would have been dead meat. Alas, we still have to contend with the Faith Militant. As an aside, I despise the High Sparrow but respect the conflict that his character represents on a larger scale: he isn’t wrong that the royal family is corrupt and the state of affairs in the Westeros is shit. There is plenty of room for improvement. However: his homophobic persecution and terrorism is an evil way to go about purifying the kingdom of its grime. It’s because of zealots like him that religion is ultimately something I can never get behind. Anyway: no sooner than Tommen recovered his nerve, he is back to being his mother’s pawn: I’m interested to see what Cersei’s first move is going forward.

In Meereen, Tyrion utters what will probably be the best quip of this season: “I drink, and I know things” – which kind of makes Tyrion the Descartes of Westeros. In an act of sheer madness, our favorite Imp decides to unshackle Dany’s other dragons who have been depressed in the basement. He knows from history that dragons shouldn’t be kept captive and that they aren’t dumb like domesticated beasts – he goes himself and talks to them and comes out miraculously unscathed. I’m sorry - but for a dude that used to be something of a coward, this was a bold move. Your response to “oh the dragons haven’t eaten anything in a few days” is “ok, Ima go downstairs looking hirsute and meal-sized and unchain those guys!?” Talk about badass!

I’m going to gloss over much of what went down at Winterfell with the Boltons. At this point, Ramsey’s murder of his father, step-mother, and infant brother, is neither surprising nor unexpected. It still was rough to watch and it put me in a despairing mood. Roose Bolton got what he deserved, punkass bitch. But Lady Walda and the baby? It’s like, we know Ramsey is a homicidal sadistic maniac: did we need the terrorizing build up to the mother and child being ravaged by hungry dogs?! It felt like violence just for the sake of violence, which is what Ramsey does, but as an audience did we really need to be subjected to the fact that there was no way he was going to let that child survive? Ug.

I was surprised that Jaqen himself came to test Arya – I was glad that she passed the “a girl has no name” exam and will at least be housed and fed until she can regain her sight. I don’t know if Arya really has it in her to abandon herself, I guess time will tell though.

I couldn’t give less of a shit about the Iron Islands/Greyjoys when I read the books and I give even less of a shit about them on the show. The Kingsmoot – the traditional process by which the successor to the High King of the Iron Islands is chosen – must somehow effect the bastardized version of the story that Benioff and Weiss have put on screen so I guess we’re just going to have to suffer through it. LAME.

And finally: Jon Snow Rises! Davos manages to pep-talk Melisandre, who is rightfully downtrodden because of her epic fail with the Baratheon uprising, into attempting to Beric Dondarrion Jon back to life. I don’t know about you, but I feel like given their history Davos was especially kind to the Red Woman, in a way I could never be. Maybe he sensed that abusing her into helping their cause wasn’t a great way to go about working a miracle. If I were him I would have attempted to cut off her head by now, but again: Davos has more class than I do. Despite her belief that the resurrection shouldn’t and wouldn’t work, we end on Jon Snow gasping back to life, mostly naked on a table.

Even though we all suspected this was ultimately going to happen, I thought they would drag this out some more given the pathetic “Jon Snow is DEAD” propaganda we had to put up with for a whole year. I hope this is also the case in the upcoming book but since we’ve deviated so far from the source material, who knows. For an episode that was only exhilarating for about 30 seconds, I really can’t complain about this one too much.

Hopefully next week we get more Arya and Bran, I suspect we’ll deal mostly with Dany in episode 3.