Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 9

 

I think I can speak for everyone when I say last night’s episode was exactly what we’ve been waiting all season for – it finally lived up to its hype, and didn’t disappoint. The penultimate episode of Season 6 takes its place as the best episode of its respective season, like Season 4’s The Watchers on the Wall or Season3’s The Rains of Castamere. So because of this, and because narrative-wise we didn’t progress very far, this will be the shortest post of this run.

We pick up on Dany and Tyrion in the pyramid; Tyrion is desperately trying to defend himself as the city burns from the siege, which is still going on. That sort of surprised me in the best way possible, because instead of just having to assume Drogon went off and burned the armada in the bay – we actually get to see it! In broad day light!!!! More on that (obviously) in a second. Tyrion gets out that the city made a comeback (leaving out the part that he used a religious cult movement to accomplish this) in her absence, and the Masters of Slaver’s Bay didn’t take kindly to their good fortune so they’ve come to restore Meereen to its former (slave-holding) glory. Dany rattles off a few trademark comments about burning the Masters to ash and punishing them utterly for their transgressions; Tyrion pushes for an iota of mercy. He tells her that her father, the Mad King, had stored Wildfire under all of the important buildings in Kings Landing (which is our HINT HINT as an audience that next week, Cersei will likely be taking advantage of this) and he was likely planning to burn his own people with it (we know this is true because Jaime killed Mad King Aerys to prevent this very thing from happening, and he confessed as much to Brienne, but never told anyone else the real reason he killed the king). He pleads with her to take a course of action that would not punish innocent civilians for the crimes of their rulers – really he’s asking her not to live up to the Targaryen legacy of indiscriminate violence.

We cut to a scene with the Masters (those sleazy jerks with whom Tyrion made his “7-year slavery” deal) and Dany and Co. – it seems Dany is there to discuss terms of surrender (psh! As if!). The Masters gloat; demanding she leave and that she return the Unsullied and Missandei to Astapor. Mwahahaha. Dany follows up with “Oh, you misunderstood – we’re here to talk about your surrender. Don’t want to surrender? Cool -Ima get on my dragon and burn you mother fuckers and everything you stand for to the ground now.”

 

The sequence that follows is by far the most epic fantasy battle since the Rohan/Ghost armies swept in and saved the day in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Dany calls in Drogon (they must be psychically linked, or else they have really good time-management/planning skills), gets on his back, and takes to the sky. Way up high we can see Drogon’s brothers, Rhaegal and Viserion, break out of their cell under the city (why the heck didn’t they do that right after Tyrion unchained them?) because their leader has returned - and if you’ve been pent up in a dank basement for like a year, you would be itching to get out and burn some ships too. Dany commands Drogon to strategically burn down the ships with heavy artillery, and the Masters and their guards watch in horror. We also see that the Sons of the Harpy were picking off innocent Meereenese people as they tried to flee from the city: enter the wild hoard of Dothraaki led by Daario Naharis. Buh-Bye, SoH! Grey worm steps up and tells the guards they can leave in peace if they abandon the Masters, so they take off immediately. Then Tyrion informs the Masters that Dany wants one among the three of them dead as payment for their transgression; naturally the two guys turn on their “lowborn” compatriot, and Greyworm takes both of them out. The last is left to return home and inform the rest of Slaver’s Bay not to fuck with Daenerys Targaryen and that the practice of slavery is about to end abruptly, forever.

Later in the episode, we are treated with Tyrion belittling none other than Theon Greyjoy in the pyramid throne room! Looks like Theon and Yara arrived just behind the carnage in Slaver’s Bay. I admire their determination to make a deal: if I showed up somewhere to form an alliance and walked in on a giant murder scene, I would have circled the block a few times, you know?

Theon admits to his assholery and informs Dany and Tyrion that their father was murdered by their Uncle Euron and Yara’s justifiable claim to the throne was usurped etc etc. They tell her he will be coming to make a similar deal, except he wants to give Dany his “fat cock”  (erm, hand in marriage) but has no intention of being a true partner to Dany; Yara’s offer is simply her loyalty in backing Dany’s claim to the Iron Throne and her ships for the trip back to Westeros. Turns out they only have 100 ships; but combined with the ships salvaged from the siege they would have a small armada.

This was actually a really great scene. I think the Greyjoys are about as interesting as dirt, but to have two women making a deal to support each other in their respective quests to become Queen of their people was a first on the show, and probably in the history of this world. Dany agrees to Yara’s offer on the condition that the Iron Islanders put an end to their Viking way of life: no more pillaging, reaving, or raping. Yara’s like “….but that’s what we do?” and Dany is like “not anymore, did you see what I did to my enemies in Slaver’s Bay?” Smartly, Yara agrees: no more perpetual assholery in exchange for independence. They shake on it, and the most interesting alliance in GoT canon has been launched!

Now for the rest of this episode: the long awaited Battle of the Bastards. Where our time with Dany and Co. in Meereen was entirely uplifting and bright, our time in the North was anything but. Team Snow and Team Bolton meet to formally discuss the possibility of avoiding bloodshed. Sansa insisted on attending; feeling that by remaining in a tent she would be expressing cowardice. She wants Ramsey to see she’s not quivering by a fire in fear somewhere. Ramsey is of course his typical smarmy, psychotic self. John tells him he’ll fight him one on one, right there. Naturally Ramsey declines because he has far greater numbers. Sansa promises Ramsey that he will die tomorrow and rides off, in a commendable mic-drop.

Back at camp, the guys talk strategy, and Sansa blows up on Jon for not including her in the conversation. Normally I’d disagree with Sansa; what does she know about battle? But she insists that unlike Jon or Davos: she knows Ramsey. She saw what he did to Theon, what he did to countless people, what he did to her. She tells Jon that Rickon is as good as dead. John, the commensurate good guy, says they can’t just abandon him. Sansa warns Jon that Ramsey will find a way to fuck with them and PLEASE: don’t take the bait.

Of course, Sansa is right. Before I move on, I’ll mention that Jon paid a visit to Melisandre and told her that if he dies, he doesn’t want her to bring him back. She says she has to do what R’hllor wants; they have an interesting exchange about the nature of gods:

Melisandre: Maybe [R’hllor] brought you back here; only to die again.

Jon: What kind of god would do something like that?

Melisandre: The one we've got.

Davos and Tormund bro out together about how they both came to be in the service of Jon Snow; their male bonding was a good example of how people with vast differences can work together for the common good. Also: Davos finds the wooden stag he carved for Shireen in the remains of her sacrificial pyre, which means he’s on to Melisandre. I won’t be upset if he kills her next episode for her gross human transgression.

Speaking of child murders, it wouldn’t be Game of Thrones if an innocent child didn’t die, so of course, Rickon Stark is murdered. This is the situation Sansa (sort of) predicted: Ramsey sets Rickon free and commands him to run to Jon across the field between them, and then starts firing arrows at him. Predictably Jon takes off to try and save his baby brother, only to watch him get shot through the back, and die (mercifully it seems he died rather quickly instead of suffocating on his own blood).

 

That does it –Jon blows the plan and charges Team Bolton – one man against 6000, 2000 of which seem to be archers because within seconds Jon’s horse is shot through and he’s running on foot.

What follows is a feast of cinematic war-porn. The contrast from the Tolkienesque Battle of Meereen is shocking: instead of dragon fire and shrieking horsemen, we are forced to watch the disorienting mess that is actually war. For millennia: this is what war looked like in human history. Blunt force trauma and chaotic blood and guts; the sensation of not being able to process what’s going on before having to act or else die. The cinematography here is Emmy worthy, for sure.

To sum up – Team Snow is surrounded, trapped between the Bolton infantry (with a shield formation reminiscent of the Spartans in 300) and a literal wall of dead bodies, over which the Umbers stand to pick off anyone trying to flee. Things felt and looked grim – but due to the formulaic nature of GoT’s battle sequences (plus the knowledge that Sansa called in an assist from Littlefinger) it wasn’t truly a surprise when the Army of the Vale came riding in Rohan-style to save the day. But talk about relief! With Ramsey’s army under siege, the cowardly SOB flees the battlefield and retreats to Winterfell. Jon, WunWun the Giant, and Tormund follow in pursuit on foot. The front door in busted down by WunWun, the last of his kind. Rest peacefully, large sir, for giving your life in an effort to save what was left of your Wildling brethren. Ramsey is as good as dead, because there’s no stopping Jon now: he catches three arrows with a shield at close range and beats Ramsey half to death with his bare hands. He only stops because Sansa has arrived and is staring at what’s left of Ramsey Snow.

 

LONG LIVE HOUSE STARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally, a fucking win for the Stark family (even though the only true living heir -that they know of- has just died). Ramsey wakes up in the kennel where he keeps his starving hounds, with Sansa on the other side of the gate. This miserable SOB can’t accept defeat so he taunts her: "You can't kill me," he says. "I'm a part of you now." I worried briefly that this would be factually true, that Sansa was pregnant (if Melisandre can make a shadow baby assassin, I bet she can perform a mystical abortion), but really it’s a bleak statement about the nature of abuse. Even though, as Sansa points out, Ramsey will effectively be erased from history along with his father’s house, what he’s done to her psyche has permanently changed her as a person. Sansa was already tainted by Littlefinger’s devious influence: now she’s got a cruel streak in her that wasn’t necessarily there even after Joffrey beheaded her father in front of her. Let’s hope Jon’s positive influence can keep her from making any more epically bad decisions in the future.  I was happy with Sansa having the last laugh, smirking as Ramsey’s starving dogs ate him face first. The lesson learned here is that dogs are like humans: they may be “loyal beasts” but if you mistreat them long enough, they will turn on you.

Aside from being a great episode cinematically, it was a success thematically as well. Dany says in the throne room, to Tyrion, Theon, and Yara that all of them had evil fathers; that those men left the world a worse place than they found it, and that their generation would leave it better than they were given. Everyone fighting in this episode was fighting more than just a physical war – they were fighting against a corrupt system, fighting to remake the shitty world they were given into a place worth living in. Dany and Jon triumphed and for a change, the good guys came out on top. I’m not going to be too quick to call Dany a good guy though – her conqueror’s mentality was tabled in favor of Tyrion’s pragmatism today, but now that she’s won in Essos: will she be able to take Westeros in a way that doesn’t detract from her accomplishments? Next season I wonder if she and Jon might join their forces to defeat the Night’s King/White Walker army in a deal to guarantee her place on the Iron Throne, even though we all know Jon is a secret Targaryen and he would be a kinder, fairer ruler. Maybe it’s a Batman situation: Jon is the hero Westeros should want, but Dany is the hero Westeros deserves. Only time will tell.

Next Week: Cersei’s barbeque –erm, Trial.

Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 8

By and large, this episode is a giant exercise in anti-climax. The only storyline followed in this hour and six minutes that was even remotely satisfying in a cathartic sense was Arya’s, and maybe slightly the Hound’s. Like clockwork, the most action-packed/gripping GoT episodes are the penultimate ones, so next week’s Battle of the Bastards will surely be more text book edge-of-your-seat entertainment. I guess that’s why the writers chose to have pretty much everything that could have lived up to its hype end on a ‘meh’ note, watered down with comedic moments.

We begin with Lady Crane, who is breaking hearts again on stage as Cersei Lannister during Joffrey’s death scene. The fictionalized Cersei is far more sympathetic and compassionate than real-life Cersei, and thank the Old Gods and the New because when Crane finds a dying Arya in the back of the theater, she takes her home to care for her. Arya’s wounds seem to be superficial enough for Lady Crane (with only years’ worth of abusive relationships as medical training) to patch her up; the surrogate mother pampers her once-would-be-assassin and makes sure Arya gets some soup and sleep.

While Arya rests, we are caught up on what the Hound is up to – which is straight up murdering sleazy dudes in the forest. Despite the carnage, the whole thing plays out as situational comedy: the Hound mocks his victims for their choice in last words as he dispatches with four guys who weren’t even his intended victims and who didn’t offer any useful information about where those particular three murderers were. He does eventually stumble across those guys further down the path – but they’ve already been captured for their heinous crime by the Brotherhood Without Banners, with nooses already around their necks. Wouldn’t you know it – BERIC “RESURRECTION” DONDARRION is there himself meeting out justice! The ensuing reunion between the Hound and Beric (whom we last saw post-resurrection after being cut down by none other than the Hound himself) was excellent writing – enough cynical, biting dialogue to satisfy the most ardent Tarantino fans. The Hound wants to kill the villains himself to avenge his friends – Beric says he can have one. TWO, the Hound counters. They settle on two – Sandor Clegane kicks the stools out from under the two fuckers on the left and Beric takes care of the other guy. That being settled – the Hound asks for a bite to eat, because he’s had a full day of murdering and could use a refresher. Beric and company oblige him, and another discussion about violence’s place in the world happens. It seems the Brotherhood are in the know about what’s about to happen up North with the advance of the White Walkers, so they’re headed up that way because as followers of the Lord of Light – they are compelled to serve a purpose greater than themselves. "Lots of horrible shit gets done in this world for something larger than ourselves," the Hound replies. This part of the episode was uncomfortable to watch in light of the fact that not even 24 hours earlier, the deadliest mass shooting on American soil took place in Orlando, FL. There are a lot of critics who decry GoT for its gratuitous depictions of senseless violence – myself included from time to time. However: I feel that as a society we should be less offended by fictional occurrences on television – however gratuitous or exploitative – and more affronted by how pathetically close our actual society mirrors a fake medieval one in the amount of hatred and violence we inflict upon each other. We should treat GoT as an example of what happens when the mentality of “you’ll never get rid of violence” is the de facto motto of the masses: we shouldn’t be resigning ourselves to this fact. The Hound might have decided that his foray into pacifism was a failed venture – but we shouldn’t give up so easily.

Let’s now talk about an example of avoided bloodshed, a rarity on this show. Brienne and Pod have reached Riverrun, and much to her surprise, she finds the surrounding area occupied by Jaime Lannister’s (they aren’t even pretending to be in service of the Crown, really, although they are technically) army. She easily gets access to Ser Jaime, her former BFF, but their reunion is fraught; soiled by the fact that they are currently fighting for opposing sides, which Jaime points out (Sansa is still wanted for her assumed role in Joffrey’s murder, and to have the Starks retake Winterfell is basically the opposite of what the Crown would want to happen). But Jaime lets her have a go at convincing the Blackfish to vacate the castle in order to travel (under a temporary truce) North so that he can aid Sansa at reclaiming Winterfell. Simultaneously, we witness another reunion of sorts: Podrick and Bronn. Bronn sneaks up on Pod and then proceeds to fuck with him for a small chunk of screen time to lighten the mood. It seems that the writers felt for every conflict there must also be a comedic relief this episode, and this part was unnecessary but welcome, much like the Hound’s banter with the Brotherhood earlier. Bronn asks Pod if he thinks Brienne and Jaime are fucking in the tent, which segues into Bronn casually stating he would def get it on with Brienne – wouldn’t Pod? Which segues into a training session where Bronn schools Pod on hand to hand combat ("Lesson number 1: assume everyone wants to hit you, because they do" -SMACK).

Brienne tries her best at reasoning with Blackfish, but he shoots her down, refusing to give up his advantage because: 1) He distrusts Jaime Lannister’s word about the truce, 2) Is unwilling to help Sansa, despite his sympathy for the situation, because he barely has enough men to hold down this fort, let alone take on the Boltons, and 3) He’s a miserable old bastard who would rather die in his former home than let the stinking Frey’s have it. Brienne is crushed: she sends Pod off to inform Sansa of her failure.

 

Jaime, in the mean time, is carrying out his plan B. He has a sit down with POW Edmure Tully, who understandably has NO patience for whatever shit Jaime’s trying to pull with this nice-cop act. We know that Jaime isn’t being insincere when he tells Edmure he would arrange for a meeting with his wife and son, or that he respected his sister, Catelyn, because of her fierce love for her children – but to Edmure this is just baseless soothsaying from a repeat oath-breaker. He says to Jaime that on some level, Jaime must understand that he is an evil man. Jaime counters that all the things he does, he does for love (remember when he said that before he pushed Bran out of the tower in Winterfell?), especially for Cersei. He makes it abundantly clear that to get home to Cersei, he would behave much in the way that Catelyn Stark did for those she loved, whether that involved releasing a prized hostage or slaughtering a whole army of Tully men - not to mention Edmure's toddler son, whom he threatened to catapult over the wall of Riverrun. Edmure is technically the heir to the Tully name and is responsible for the lives of his bannermen, and is thusly convinced by Jaime’s threat to approach the drawbridge and demand entry as the rightful Lord of Riverrun. The Blackfish knows that Edmure is tainted goods: he commands the men to ignore Edmure’s request because it’s a coerced request. But the men are honor bound to obey their Lord, so they let Edmure in, and as such they forfeit the castle because once inside, Edmure orders the men to lay down their arms. This is a good example of a phenomenon I like to call “Ned Starking:” when people act in order to uphold an ethical ideal despite the fact that this very action is in direct conflict with their best interests. The Lannisters storm the castle and Blackfish, in one last decent act, helps Brienne and Pod escape in a row boat. Blackfish goes down swinging off camera and dies during his last stand. Jaime seems indifferent about that news as he watches Brienne get away down the river. He may not be in love with Brienne, as she may still be with him, but he does respect her enough to let her escape to return to the service of Sansa Stark, one of his family’s sworn enemies. They wave goodbye to each other in a rather poignant moment: Jaime Lannister (on the show, at least) is a complicated guy who isn’t lying when he says whatever violence or misdeeds he perpetrates, he does as an act of love. He retook Riverrun for love of Cersei, but he did it bloodlessly out of respect for Brienne.

Cersei isn’t doing quite as well as Jaime in terms of wins. There is tease of a confrontation in the Red Keep – the Faith Militant shows up to force Cersei to report to the High Sparrow at the Sept of Baelor.  She finally gets to utter the “I choose violence” line we’ve been looking forward to all season: and instead of a bloodbath, we get Franken-Mountain ripping the jaw off of one Sparrow and the rest running away in retreat. NOOOOOOO! I wanted a proper wipe-out of the Faith Militant, and was denied. Cersei got to be smug for ten minutes before the rug was pulled out from under her by her own son, the King, who has decreed from the Iron Throne that Trial By Combat would be outlawed in all the Seven Kingdoms as an act of barbarity and a way for corrupt nobles to evade prosecution. SUCKERPUNCH – this was Cersei’s ace in the hole since last season’s Walk of Shame, and now that’s been taken away from her too. Tommen is also lost to her now – plus she’s toast because all of the Septons hate her and will surely vote to have her executed for her crimes. But wait! Maester Qyburn has intel from his child-sources about something promising (yet unnamed) in Cersei’s interest. Although it isn’t confirmed, based on Bran’s vision depicting the Mad King’s Wildfire caches, I’m going to go with they’ve found some of the stuff that wasn’t used up in the Battle of Blackwater and Cersei’s going to try and pull a Daenerys and burn Kings Landing (or at least the Sept) to the ground.

Speaking of Dany, in Meereen Tyrion is patting himself on the back for his “successful” enlistment of the Cult of R’hllor, because the city is thriving again. Varys is less quick to consider it a job well done, and we find out he’s off for Westeros to put out feelers about getting ships for Dany’s conquest (assuming she ever comes back). Tyrion peer pressures Greyworm and Missandei into enjoying some wine with him in the pyramid and an adorable exchange of jokes takes place. I especially enjoyed Missandei’s first foray into humor with a joke about what would happen to two translators on a sinking ship (“I can call for help in 19 different languages!”). The merriment and Tyrion’s joke beginning "I once walked into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass-" are cut short, however, by an attack on the city: the Masters have come to take Meereen back in spite of Tyrion’s negotiation.

 

 At first when I saw the ships in the harbor I thought Yara and Theon had traveled at warp speed to get to the Dragon Queen, but nope – it was a fleet of war ships from the other cities along Slaver’s Bay, and boy do their trebuchets pack a punch. Greyworm puts down Tyrion for his naivety and rightly blames this debacle on his poor judgement. He insists that the denizens of Meereen remain in the pyramid because it’s the only defensible location in the city. Greyworm’s plan is tested by a loud kerfuffle on the roof, and our beloved characters brace for the worst – only to be surprised by the Dues ex Machina return of Daenerys Targaryen, who had been dropped off seconds ago on the terrace by Drogon. We can see a shadow of Drogon flying over the sea in the background behind Dany, so again we are denied actual footage of cool shit happening and are just meant to assume that we’ve won that battle.

We return to Arya, who seems to be doing pretty well under Lacy Crane’s care (despite the fact that she almost certainly would be half dead from sepsis in real life). Crane says Arya should join the traveling show, Arya says she wouldn’t be a good actress because she would forget her lines (isn’t she humble?). She says that she’d like to travel to whatever is west of Westeros (um, an ocean and then Essos, because the world is spherical, but I’ll let that slide). Lady Crane leaves the room to get more medicine, and is met by a weird looking boy – and we all know it isn’t actually a boy, but the Waif, who has come for Arya again. RIP Lady Crane – you were too kind for this world, so you had to go.

Choose your preferred Terminator Reference

 

The last ten minutes of this episode played out like a horror movie, because the Waif came off awfully Bogeyman-ish as she chased Arya through the streets of Braavos. She was like the Terminator – doing the determined slow walk and yet still catching up to our heroine, refusing to die like Michael Myers or Jason Vorhees.  Arya is bleeding from her wounds again and takes a couple of really bad stumbles – but it becomes clear that she’s leading the Waif someplace specific with her trail of blood. Finally, the showdown we’ve been waiting for: the Waif has Arya cornered in a windowless  room, only now Arya has Needle (because this is the room she hid out in after she abandoned the House of Black and White). Arya uses the last card up her sleeve and extinguishes the only light in the room – cutting to black. AGAIN WE ARE DENIED A PROPER FIGHT BETWEEN OUR PROTAGONIST AND HER AGRESSOR! God dammit! We do get to see that Jaqen discovers the Waif’s severed face in the Hall of Faces, and rather than kill Arya when she holds him at the point of her sword, he is impressed with her moxy. “A girl has truly become No One,” he says with pride, and we are rewarded with Arya’s uberpredictable but oh-so-desired response: "A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell, and I'm going home." It’s hugely satisfying: Arya has had so many aliases and different identities in order to survive over the course of the show; she’s now fully capable of embracing her name and her destiny back home in Westeros. I could make a comparison to another orphan who went off on a long quest to become skilled enough to metaphorically avenge their parents’ deaths (*cough cough BATMAN cough cough*), but Arya and Bruce Wayne lack other thematic similarities for that to really be a true analogy. But wouldn’t BatGirl be an awesome mashup!?!?

 

Maybe Arya’s not a master assassin/detective, but I have high hopes for her survival if she does make it back to the Seven Kingdoms. Who’s next on her hit list? Cersei Lannister? Walder Frey? Let’s hope she gets to cross another name off of it in a way that is most helpful to Sansa and Jon’s story arcs next season!

Next Episode: The Battle of the Bastards – Jon verbally requests a Do Not Resuscitate from Davos. DOWN WITH RAMSEY BOLTON!

X-Men: Apocalypse Review

 

I try not to be too hard on the X-Men movies. I loved the X-Men cartoon when I was little and I casually kept up with various X-Men storylines in the comics, and it’s a brilliant concept that champions civil rights and individuality while remaining a part of the collective. There have now been 6 film adaptations (not including any of Wolverine’s stand alone films), and two of them have been awesome (X2 and First Class), while the rest are admirable efforts at best (and X3: The Last Stand deserves to be stricken from our collective memories and buried in a shallow grave in the desert).

X-Men: Apocalypse is a mediocre action film. It suffered under the weight of Bryan Singer’s hubris and the choice to set the recent films so far apart from each other without even attempting to explain the timey-wimey-wibbly-wobbly inconsistencies between this setting and the previous films’ settings. Mystique and Wolverine can get away with seemingly never aging because of their mutant powers, but it was supremely distracting to me that Magneto/Xavier look around 38 when in 1983 they should be at least 50; Alex Summers should be about 40 which makes it strange that he looks 25 and his parents only look about 55 and his younger brother is 16, and Beast is also pushing 40 but looks 25.

Also off-putting was a lack of blue on screen: Beast and Mystique were of non-mutant appearance for 90% of the film, with lazy explanations such as “I’ve got my DNA under control with meds” and “I don’t want to look like the hero everyone worships so I’ll stay blonde.” At least they made an effort to address these disparities from when we last saw these characters, especially Mystique, whose former motto used to be “Mutant and Proud!” I’ve increasingly become disenchanted with Jennifer Lawrence, who clearly was wholly disinterested in reprising her role for this sequel. The other big hitters (McAvoy, Fassbender) weren’t much better but I didn’t get the impression that they were just phoning it in; a lot of their dialogue and plot points were simply terrible.

Another bummer was the complete lack of character development for any of the new characters. Granted, we all know who Storm and Nightcrawler are, and long time fans will know their various back stories. But I don’t think we ever even heard Storm’s name uttered at all in the whole flick, and poor Nightcrawler was basically just a walking joke. Jean Grey, as portrayed by Sansa Stark (yeah yeah I know her real name is Sophie Turner but I can’t see her as anything but Sansa), was a step up from the exceedingly awful performances from Famke Janssen, but the writing was such that her build up literally seconds before the film’s climax felt unearned or incomplete somehow.

I'd pay to see Phoenix saga done correctly, so this was welcome

 

The only time we see her struggle with controlling her powers is during the nightmare she has when Apocalypse is out and about, which shakes the school, and melts the wall paper off her bedroom walls. Worst of all? JUBILEE IS THERE WITH DIALOGUE AND DOES NOTHING THE WHOLE FLICK. Criminal underuse of a beloved character: she might as well have not even been in the damn movie.

On the bright side, Evan Peter’s return as Quicksilver was as gleefully enjoyable as in X-Men: Days of Future Past. His rescue sequence and one sided fight with Apocalypse were the best parts in the movie, IMHO. Aside from Hugh Jackman’s wordless cameo as Weapon X, that is. One day’s worth of work from Jackman did a lot to improve the quality of this film, although a ton of people are crying PLOT HOLE about it. I too was confused initially because when we last saw Logan, he had been rescued at the end of the last film from the water by Mystique disguised as William Stryker, not Stryker himself – but it’s been ten years since that happened, so I guess he could have been recruited or captured since then for his adamantium claw-ization.

As for the big bad himself: easily the most ridiculous aspect of this film. The opening sequence of his Ancient Egyptian transfer into Oscar Issac’s mutant body (he appears to have Wolverine’s healing factor) was cool enough; the set design was impressive and the sequence was fun to watch. But are we really supposed to believe that two support beams are wholly responsible for the architectural stability of a giant pyramid!? I feel like that must have been an awfully clever architect to have designed a flaw so specific to that assassination plot that it worked without a hitch. Also, I appreciate that they were trying to provide a reason as to how En- Sabah-Nur came to possess so many different mutant abilities, but the transferring of consciousness gimmick came off painfully hokey to me. Also painfully hokey? His character design. I know Oscar Issac signed on assuming he would provide the voice and the motion capture performance for Apocalypse as per an interview, but for whatever reason Singer thought it would be best to bog down Issac’s face in shitty prosthetics and have the 5’8” actor portray a larger-than-life monster. He just looked B-Movie level bad to me, and I couldn’t take his operatic megalomaniacal speeches seriously. 

Also – he doesn’t ever really utilize any of his powers except to tweak his pet projects, the Four Horsemen. What the hell was the point of all of his version –ups if he doesn’t even bother using the powers he’s accumulated for his nefarious purpose!?

 

The whole Four Horseman thing was a solid failure in execution. Ok, he wants 4 body guards essentially to help him carry out his plan. I’m still profoundly confused as to why he chose Angel – sure, he can fly – but that’s it! I would want someone a bit more dynamic. However that’s true to the comics so that’s more of a beef I have with Marvel. Storm and Magneto make sense because their powers can seriously fuck shit up for other people. Psylocke was also a wasted opportunity – I think they chose her just so that they could have a hot chick on screen, because aside from fighting with her telepathically created weapons, she literally offered nothing. She was so one dimensional it was laughable. Plus: how uncomfortable were you with her making tough guy faces in a purple bondage outfit at Auschwitz? I already personally disliked Olivia Munn so this did nothing to improve my opinion of her acting skills.

Overall, I didn’t hate the movie, but it didn’t impress me any. I’d rank Apocalypse it at a 5, with only X3 worse than it. I liked the end sequence in which Jean Grey Phoenixs out and kills Apocalypse and the Quicksilver bits and Wolverine’s massacre, but that’s about it. I’d wait until it comes out on blu-ray if you haven’t already paid theater money for it.

Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 7

 

Prologue: Now that we know Sandor Clegane is alive, there is mass hysteria on the internet about the possibility of Cleganebowl. This is a fan theory that in Cersei’s trial by combat, Franken Mountain will faceoff against none other than his brother Sandor, who will fight on behalf of the Faith Militant to get the chance to finally murder his jackass brother. I don’t see The Hound agreeing to this as it stands but I sure as shit would love to see it happen!

Props to this episode for most effective use of a cold open in recent memory! We begin in an idyllic valley, with Septon Ian McShane cheerfully leading the Westerosi equivalent of a hippie commune as they lay the foundation for a sept. Everything is bright and wholesome, which is refreshingly uncommon on Game of Thrones – so you know something awful is going to befall these people. Also suggesting a massacre to come? THE FUCKING HOUND IS ALIVE AND CHOPPING WOOD. That’s right – Arya needs to pencil The Hound back onto her kill list because he’s very much alive.

 

Turns out he was rescued by McShane’s Septon Ray a day or two after Arya left him for dead at the end of Season 4. Ray isn’t a Septon in the cruel, dogmatic vein of the High Sparrow – he earnestly admits he doesn’t know who the true gods are and curses like a sailor –he lives life as a pacifist, doing good works with his religious order. It’s sort of an out of character role for McShane, who is best known for his role as brutal pimp Al Swearengen on Deadwood, but he came across authentic and enigmatic as a former soldier who was so disgusted by his war crimes that he abandoned that life for the way of the Gods (Major LOLZ when the Hound admitted to Ray it was a she who succeeded in cutting him down- Ian McShane’s response was gold).

Ray insists that Sandor Clegane’s miraculous recovery was the will of the Gods; that there’s more they have planned for him to do. The Hound (who I would confidently label an agnostic) is reluctant to believe that; he asks Ray at one point “If the gods are real, why haven’t they punished me?” I’m sorry, what!? Having the shit kicked out of you by Brienne of Tarth, falling off a cliff, shattering your thigh, and being left for dead by your young companion wasn’t punishment!? Anyway, a trio of sleazy horsemen (who The Hound pegs as members of the Brothers Without Banners) interrupt the commune’s work, demanding horses or food as payment for “keeping the peace.” Ray offers them a seat at the dinner table but states flatly there’s nothing else for them to offer, they’re just getting by as is. A philosophical argument ensues between The Hound, who wants them to find and kill those guys because, well, THIS IS WESTEROS, and Ray, who insists killing those men won't solve any problems: "Violence is a disease," he says. "You don't cure it by spreading it to more people." Sadly, I have to agree with The Hound, whose response was: “You don’t cure it by dying, either.” Clearly, Ray’s intentions and principles are to be admired – pacifism is always the most admirable path. But this is not a land where being strongly principled is always a positive – ever heard of Ned Stark? The Hound watched Ned lose his head and knows that with respect to the vicious scum that wander the countryside, an offense is the best defense. He chops wood angrily in the forest to cope.

Cut to death cries off in the distance – turns out those sleazy fuckers didn’t even wait until nightfall to besiege the commune – just they waited until Sandor was out of frame. Here’s what I don’t understand, speaking as a human being as much as an audience member: why the fuck did the BWB assholes murder 30 something people when they could have just roughed up a few of them and took off with all the food/tools they could carry? They were simple farm folk with no weapons other than building tools, and they were anti-violence and as such unlikely to retaliate: why was it necessary to massacre them? At the very least: why not just kill their leader? The message would be the same. It feels like the answer is simply ‘because this is Game of Thrones, if there aren’t at least 4 acts of senseless violence per episode we lose our street cred!’ It bothers the shit out of me that Benioff and Weiss decided this was the only way we could spur The Hound to return to a life of violence – by brutally killing his new friends and his mentor. The Hound’s cynicism is confirmed: now he has no choice but to pick up his axe and strait up murder some dudes. Alas, Ray’s assertion that it’s never too late to stop killing, lying, and stealing, will have to be put on hold.

For the Hound, that is. Margaery is out and about as Queen again, piously studying religious texts and parroting them back to the High Sparrow: it would seem she has quit the scheming lifestyle in earnest. The High Sparrow is pleased, but scolds her for not having sex with Tommen, who had confessed to his Religious Overlord that there hadn't been  any hanky panky between King and Queen since her release from the dungeons. Can we reflect on just how pathetically teenage Tommen is in this moment? “Waaaa, High Sparrow: you let my wife go, but now she won’t have sex with me! Help a brother out!” Even more disgusting is the High Sparrow’s insistence to Margaery (who explains she’s no longer driven by “desire”) that “[sexual] congress does not require desire on the part of the wife, just patience.” This fucking creep can’t die soon enough. He also tells Margaery that her grandmother, Olenna Tyrell, is next on the chopping block to be tried for her sins.

Margaery meets with Olenna under the supervision of the evil Septa Unella. I can’t praise The Queen of Thorns enough for the onslaught of insults and threats she throws at the Septa, which Margaery knows is only making things worse. M reacts like a good little automation; towing the zealot line that Loras should repent for his sins and forfeit his title and pleads with Grandma to return home to High Garden; Olenna touchingly says she’d never abandon M. Finally, Olenna leaves after Margaery secretly jams a piece of paper into her fist. On it is a simple drawing of the Tyrell rose: which indicates to Olenna that ‘Pious Margaery’ is a fucking act and is in fact playing a long-con on the High Sparrow. I seriously hope this is the truth because I had just started to respect Margaery before her apparent conversion, I would hate for this to just be a double-cross to get Olenna out of King’s Landing for a while.

Cersei approaches Olenna with her figurative hat in her hand upon learning of her upcoming departure. She implores Olenna to stay and fight to win Margaery –and effectively Tommen – back from the Faith Militant. The following verbal smack down from Olenna was so glorious I’m seriously campaigning for a supporting actress Emmy nomination for Diana Rigg for this scene. Despite admitting that she and Cersei are on the same team with respect to the Sparrows, Olenna unleashes a torrent of hard truths on Cersei: the impending ruin of both their ancient Houses is basically all Cersei’s fault, and the only silver lining in their shared misery is the fact that Cersei has lost. She even wonders out loud if Cersei is “the worst person I've ever met.” I seriously feared for Olenna’s life because Franken-Mountain is seen lurking in the background and we all know what happens to people who speak ill of his master- even though Cersei deserves all the hate that’s thrown her way.

Speaking of showing up on people’s doorsteps, begging for help: Sansa and Jon are having a rough go of it in the North. Tormund and Jon easily convince the Wildlings to fight for Winterfell because despite not having a formal government or a cohesive culture, the Wildlings have seen the horrors that await them from north of the Wall, so they are keenly aware that if they don’t help to unite the Northern Kingdom – they’re up a creek. The Wildlings are truly Jon’s people: he may have been raised in a castle and have noble blood, but he’s a pragmatic and will-intentioned person at heart, and the Wildlings recognize that he stuck his neck out for them and DIED for his efforts. 

 

The Northern Lords aren’t so easily convinced. It struck me as odd that Jon would be so bad at asking for help from guys that we’re formerly loyal to his father – Jon was the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and knows basically how these matters work, unlike Sansa, who clearly believed that shouting “I’M A STARK SO YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME MEN FOR MY ARMY” was going to be an affective recruiting strategy. In reality, the fact that Jon had a respectable job and is an honorable man counts for shit in the Bolton-controlled North, and Sansa’s multiple marriages only makes her suspect, at least for Lyanna Mormont, the ruler of Bear Island, and the de facto winner of this episode. Lyanna apparently inherited all of the backbone in the Mormont bloodline, as is evident from our dealings with her cousin, Jorah “Friendzone” Mormont, because at age 10 Lyanna is possibly the most capable ruler in all of Westeros, and perhaps the entire world: she has NO patience for flattery. Thank the Gods that Davos has a good report with 10 year old girls and a no-nonsense negotiating style, or else the 62 men Lyanna has to spare would have stayed firmly on Bear Island.

 

Jon and Davos have resigned themselves to the fact that even though their rag-tag army is meager, they will have to march on Winterfell soon, but Sansa (speaking for us) is slightly panicked: this is a band of misfits who are already infighting: there’s no way we’re gonna oust Ramsey from Winterfell just with these guys! Jon basically shuts her down when she says she wants to approach some more Houses, so Sansa is forced to eat shit and write a letter (signed “Sansa Stark”) – presumably to Littlefinger, or the Blackfish, for their assistance.

The Blackfish isn’t any help to Sansa as it stands right now, if he is the addressee of this letter: Riverrun is now under the control of Jaime and the King’s (Lannister) army after the Frey’s failed to get traction with their empty threat to murder Edmure Tully on his front lawn. The Blackfish either called their bluff or honestly doesn’t give a shit about his nephew because his response was: So kill him!

 

Jaime and Bronn commence with witty repartee but in all honesty – it doesn’t look like there’s going to be much progress on this front. The Tully’s have enough food and such to last two years, which is a super long time politically in the Seven Kingdoms. The Blackfish meets with Jaime to basically tell him as long as he’s alive he ain’t budging, and that Jamie “Oathbreaker” Lannister is a disappointment to his reputation. Ouch. Can’t say I don’t agree with Blackfish currently – Jaime is wrapped up with Cersei again, so he’s a shadow of his charismatic self; the self that promised Catelyn Stark he would return Arya and Sansa to the Tullys (Blackfish hasn’t forgotten this: he mentions this failure so he seems like he would be an ally to Sansa if circumstances allowed), the self that rescued Brienne from the bear pit, the self that sprung Tyrion from his prison cell. What a bummer to leave Jaime on.

“Bummer” doesn’t even cover how we leave Arya though. In a super predictable turn of events, just as Arya thinks she’s successfully booked passage home to Westeros, she is Red-Wedding-style-shanked by the Waif (disguised as an old woman) on a bridge! Arya manages to fall into the water and get away in such a way that the Waif thinks she completed her assassination mission, but Arya survives – and is now wandering the streets of Braavos, bleeding out from the gut, with no one offering to help. I saw the stabbing coming but it was still shocking to see Arya – perhaps the most well-liked character in the GoT fandom – attacked so viciously. I don’t think she’s going to die – like her former companion, The Hound – Arya is a tough cookie and she has proven to be hard to kill, surviving on her own now for two seasons and against astounding odds the previous four. I have a feeling Jaqen may come to her aid again – afterall, the Waif failed in her duty: perhaps a Girl deserves to live after all.

Relax, I didn’t forget about the Greyjoys. We see them briefly in the middle of the episode, enjoying a night of debauchery somewhere before they head to Meereen because – as I assumed – they are off to make a deal with the Dragon Queen! Despite the gratuitous boobs everywhere, it was actually a kind of touching exchange between Yara and Theon. By modern standards, Yara’s ultimatum to Theon (either man up and help me, or kill yourself) is super insensitive – Theon is a victim of torture and sexual violence, it’s not like he can turn off a switch in his head and get rid of all his Reek memories, or his Shit-head Theon memories. However, Yara wasn’t being malicious – she was saying in the only way she knew how that she wants him there with her, but if he knows that he is broken beyond repair, probably the best thing would be for Theon to check out, permanently. Theirs is a cruel culture, and despite how it comes off it seems to be what Theon needed to hear to perk up a bit. Theon, The Hound, and Jon Snow are all sort of broken men, as the title of this episode states – but clearly for all three, the pieces seem to be coming back together.

Next week: A Jaime/Brienne reunion at Riverrun!!!! Hopefully that situation doesn’t screw up the Stark’s chance to retake Winterfell.

Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 6

 

Now past the midway point in the season and following an episode full of big reveals and important events: this episode felt slightly anticlimactic, but in a good way, because I for one am still bruised from the loss of Hodor… so naturally we had to pick up where we left off with Meera and Bran in the blizzard. Bran is having a series of visions that are all jumbled between the past/present/future; we catch glimpses of familiar scenes (Bran’s fall from the tower at Winterfell, the Red Wedding, the terrifying transformation of Crastor’s baby into a White Walker) along with some we know happened but haven’t witnessed from the past (King Aerys screaming "burn them all!" just before he's slain by Jamie Lannister). Poor Meera got as far away as she could but she and Bran are about to become wight-fodder, when - COLDHANDS SHOWS UP!?!?!?!? For us book readers, this is huge – Coldhands was completely left out of the show despite his rather large role in the books. Even more shocking - COLDHANDS IS UNCLE BENJEN STARK!!!! In the after-episode commentary, Weiss and Benioff explicitly use the words "Coldhands Benjen" so I'm not just speculating here. Last seen back in Episode 3 of Season 1, Benjen has been MIA north of the Wall – fake news about Benjen was how the traitorous Alliser Thorn lured Jon Snow to his death last season. We find out Uncle Benjen was nearly killed by a White Walker years ago, only to be rescued by a CotF’s magic. This is confounding for the Song of Ice and Fire fandom because GRRM has dismissed the fan theory that Benjen Stark was Coldhands - so either he was lying, or the two characters have been merged for the purposes of the show (possibly to placate fans of this theory, even if it won't be fulfilled in the books, as GRRM has indicated). Either way we learn from Benjen that Bran is now the Three Eyed Raven, and that he must master his abilities before the Night King finds them (Thanks, Captain Obvious).

Cut to sunny Horn Hill - Gilly gets to meet Sam’s family in his absolutely gorgeous ancestral home. As expected, Lady Tarly and sister Talla are lovely welcoming women, pleased to meet Sam’s “mistress” and “bastard child.” Excitingly for me, Gilly gets the finest makeover to ever happen in the history of the Seven Kingdoms for dinner. On the outset, little Sam and Gilly seem to have hit the jackpot – escaping gruesome Craster’s Keep for this Westerosi paradise!? But then we actually meet Lord Tarly. Suddenly Craster’s title as “Worst Father on the Planet” is much less secure. Lady Talla cheerfully quips to Gilly: “I think our father could learn a thing or two from your father!” which makes the audience cringe from a double whammy of circumstantial irony.

 

 

Randyl Tarly is a sneering evil fucker who despises Sam, his oldest son, because he is academic and intellectual instead of athletic and violent. He’s the Westerosi equivalent of the has-been quarterback who belittles his son for being better at computers than at football. He gleans from Gilly’s defense of her man that she’s a Wilding and cruelly berates Sam for knocking up a “Wilding Whore.” Lady Tarley checks out and chastises her asswipe husband, talking Talla and Gilly with her. Sam seems cowardly in his silent non-response, but in truth his father could easily have kicked Gilly and Lil Sam out on the street – so Sam doesn’t stand up to his father, and Gilly earns the award for best girl friend of the year for not holding it against him. She laments: "I'm angry that horrible people can treat good people that way and get away with it." Oh, Gilly- this is Game of Thrones; that was getting off easy! However, Sam gets about 10 feet towards the Citadel before reversing his entire decision to keep Gilly/Lil Sam at Horn Hill. Sam is one of 3 genuinely good people left on this show and he’s had enough of the way the world works: he steals Heartsbane (the Tarly’s ancestral Valyrian steel sword) and is off with his lady love and his adopted son, hopefully to a safe arrangement while he is in Maester school. I find it heartwarming that Sam – the schlubbiest character we know, is the guy that lands the semi-heroic romantic subplot.

Speaking of romance: Tommen finally gets to reunite with his wife, who is looking cleaner and better kept since we saw her last with Loras in the dungeons. She’s singing a different tune now: gone is the fiery “Don’t give in!”- replaced with “I was only good at appearing to be good, it wasn’t sincere!” Major laughs to Tommen’s insistence that Margaery is the best person he knows – because in his case, he might be right!  Sadly, she seems to have drunk the Sparrow’s coolaid. Tsk tsk Margaery, I had such high hopes for you.

In Braavos, Arya watches gleefully as play-Joffrey dies at his wedding – while everyone else admires Lady Crane's portrayal of Cersei. Arya knows she’s doing Cersei waaaaaaay more justice than she deserves, but feels badly that she has to kill the actress. She pours the poison into the rum anyway, but before she can make her getaway Lady Crane pulls her aside! She questions Arya about the show and her herself in a manner that makes it appear that LC may be a Faceless Man in disguise – “do you like pretending to be other people?” Arya expresses that Cersei would have ranted and raved at Joffrey’s death, not been merely depressed; they share a sweet exchange about the nature of acting/the shitty script of the play, and it seems she isn’t a spy for Jaqen. Before LC can drink the poisoned rum Arya dashes the glass on the floor - and guess who was watching in the shadows? The Waif – who reports back to Jaqen that a Girl purposely failed her mission, and the Waif is dispatched to kill her. Arya fetches Needle - effectively reclaiming her identity!!! and brings her sword back to her bedroom; blows out the candle to await her inevitable assassination in the darkness. Despite the machinations and creed of the House of Black and White – life isn’t always so clear cut, as Arya has learned. She has chosen a different path now, as Arya Stark – hopefully she survives the Waif to seek her vengeance in a more ethical way.

Back in Kingslanding, Jaime and Mace Tyrell meet up to march on the Sept.  Mace gives what he thinks is a rousing speech but literally no one cheered (Anticlimax #1). The Sparrow begins Margaery’s Walk of Shame pronouncement, and the Tyrells storm the square with Olenna in tow. Jaime charges his horse up the steps to face off with the High Sparrow, reminiscent of his former self as a fearsome warrior, and a bloody massacre seems imminent – and then it all gets thrown out the window, because Margaery has atoned for her sins already by converting the King, who is paraded out like the stooge that he is: and Jaime and Olenna know they have lost (Anticlimax #2). With the Crown under the full influence of the High Sparrow, the great houses of Westeros are up shit creek: religious zealotry will inevitably invite a new era of cleansing torture and imprisonment for any nobles who the High Sparrow deems sinful – whether they deserve it or not. At this point, a coup from Dany might actually be what’s best for the people – who knows?

 
Uncle Jaime, for his crime, is stripped of his job as a Kings Guard. He will be sent to oversee a military excursion to the Riverlands, where as it turns out: The Blackfish has taken back Riverrun. Huge news! Littlefinger wasn’t full of shit! Walder Frey is shown for an expository 5 minutes berating his sons for their military blunders. They plan to use the Red Wedding’s groom, Edmure Tully, to broker a deal.

Jaime balks at his assignment, reluctant to leave Cersei, hoping to enlist Bronn to assassinate the High Sparrow for his crimes against the Lannisters. Cersei disagrees: she wants Jaime to go and take back that “silly little castle” to keep the peace. She is unconcerned about her upcoming trial because she has FrankenMountain to represent her in combat, and clearly has a pot boiler of a scheme in the works to make their enemies suffer, horribly.

THIS MEANS WE WILL MAYBE GET A BRIENNE/JAIME REUNION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They’re both now headed for Riverrun, albeit on opposing sides of the Crown. #TeamTormund even though I hope J/B get to have a friendly exchange before falling into battle.

At the end now, Dany stops weirdly for no apparent reason to question Daario about how many ships she will need to take the Dothraki across the Narrow Sea (1000 and more – funny, isn’t that about how many ships Yara and Theon stole from Euron Greyjoy?) I stopped and rewound this part a bunch of times, looking for any visual clues as to why – in the middle of a barren mountain pass – Dany would hold up the progress of her army down to Meereen. There’s nothing – no subtle shadows indicating what was to come. Anyway, Dany rides off and the rest of the Horsemen are scratching their heads. She must have been gone for more than what is considered a comfortable time, so Daario goes to follow her - and this bitch rides back in on Drogon – who was conveniently hiding somewhere in this mountain range for Dany to spectacularly make her reappearance. She gives an epic speech reminiscent of Khal Drogo’s from Season One. She rallies the crowd, claiming she has chosen them ALL to be her Blood Riders, and they will fulfill her destiny to reclaim her throne across the sea!

This is another case of chosen identity for this episode; like Sam and Arya, Dany has decided to commit to her nature – she is a conqueror, not a ruler. As Daario said moments before, she isn’t meant to sit pretty in the high tower and reason with people – she’s meant to swoop in and take what is hers. However, unlike Sam and Arya – this isn’t an instance of embracing an ethical identity: maybe Dany isn’t the hero she believes herself to be. Can a conqueror ever be truly considered benevolent? I think she’s more like her Mad King father than she knows – it could easily have been Dany in Bran’s vision, commanding her minions to “burn them all!” instead of King Aerys.

 

Next week: Sansa already tripping over her own feet trying to out-Littlefinger Littlefinger