Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 6

 

Not very much happened in terms of forward momentum in this episode, but the bickering and banter made the action that much more suspenseful. Like the penultimate episodes that have preceeded it, “Beyond the Wall” put our favorite characters in a really dangerous situation, only to have them all rescued via deux es machina. Season 5 saw Dany rescued by Drogon after an attempt on her life in the fighting pits of Meereen, Season 6’s was the Battle of the Bastards in which the Knights of the Vale showed up just as Jon was about to suffocate under a mass of dead bodies, and Season 7 pitted the Fellowship of the Wight against the Army of the Dead, and Dany saved the day with her dragons. RIP Viserion – we hardly knew ye.

The Magnificent Seven plus a few redshirt Wildlings are trekking across the barren wasteland of the Land of Always Winter, and the boys are chit-chatting to pass the time and stave off the cold. Gendry, poor summer child, admits he’s never even seen snow before, let alone been exposed to the Arctic temps of the Far North. He asks Tormund how the Wildings managed to stay warm, and the first in a long series of gems is uttered:

 

It is also revealed that Gendry is still reasonably pissed at Beric and Thoros for selling him to Melisandre, but his description of what she inflicted on him sounded like a snippet from Fifty Shades of Grey, so the Hound basically tells him he’s being a little whiny bitch about being molested by a hot woman, using Beric’s six deaths as a model for “not whinging.”

Jon and Jorah speak about their fathers; Jon obviously still reveres Jeor, and Jorah admits Ned wanted to cut off Jorah’s head for his crimes, and he would have been justified in doing it. Jon feels guilty that he’s still carrying Longclaw, which was the ancestral Valyrian steel sword of the Mormont house that Jeor repurposed for him, so he tries to give it back to Jorah. Jorah refuses to accept it and tells Jon he should keep it for his children – because he’s a King now, so he’ll have to make heirs, dontcha know? This is the first time the topic of succession is brought up by one of Dany’s advisors, put a pin in that.

We head South of the Wall to Winterfell, where Arya decides to use a nice vignette about when Ned caught her shooting arrows in the courtyard and meerly clapped in approval to reveal to Sansa that she knows about her letter to Robb from so long ago, begging the Starks to make peace with the Lannisters and bend the knee for Joffrey. This was Littlefinger’s desired outcome, of course: because Arya and Sansa lay out all of their sibling grievances with bitter precision.  Arya insists that Sansa had a hand in getting Ned killed, she betrayed her family to side with the Lannisters and did nothing but watch Ned get his head chopped off – she knows because she was in the crowd and saw it happen. From a feminist standpoint this isn’t wholly defensible- we know Sansa was terrorized into writing the letter, and that the day Ned died she thought Joffrey would be pardoning Ned, which is why she clapped back: saying that she was coerced to write the note and they lied to her about what would happen, and Arya didn’t run in to the rescue either. She sneers that Arya would never have survived what she survived (YOU FUCKING IGNORANT BITCH –tirade on this to come), implying Arya was off at Springbreak in Cancun or something while Sansa was pushed around like a pawn in King’s Landing. Arya went for the low blow bringing Lyanna Mormont into the argument, dismissing Sansa’s “I was a child” excuse as bullshit because Lyanna is younger now than Sansa was then and she would have died, like Arya, before she would betray her House in such a way. This unveils Sansa’s true face, finally: she snaps that Arya wouldn’t even be in Winterfell if it weren’t for Sansa, because Jon lost the Battle of the Bastards and the Knights of the Vale saved the day because of her!

This is why I have always hated Sansa Stark. Despite Arya having grown into a mass-murdering sociopath, she’s still a more morally courageous person than Sansa. To be clear – I didn’t wish Sansa’s sexual brutalization and manipulation and abuse on her, nor would I on anyone. She survived a ton of shit, and she’s still functioning – this is admirable. But Sansa was a shitty person before she was married off to two different enemies of her house, and remains a petulant entitled bitch. She is right in that without her call for aid, the Stark/Wilding alliance would have failed and Ramsey would still be Lord of Winterfell. She is indeed the Lady of Winterfell, since Bran abdicated his claim to the title. But she suffers from the same delusions of grandeur as Cersei Lannister – she may have been oppressed and belittled and not taken seriously because she's a girl, but this doesn’t mean every idea and policy she adapts as an 'adult' is correct or valid. The real reason the Northmen rallied around Jon is because he’s a honorable leader with opinions that aren’t necessarily popular but prove to be successful more often than not – he’s kind hearted, and was raised from the dead so has a GOD on his side. Is it fair that Jon is so much more revered, given we know he isn’t even Ned’s bastard? I say yes –his respect is earned, despite his mistakes. Sansa may have survived much and is holding down the fort well enough – but she’s a jealous elitist at heart. Arya threw off her entire identity – literally once she got to Braavos – to make her dream of completing her Kill List and avenging her family a reality. She lived in squalor, in abject physical danger for years. She survived being blinded for hubris, and later a stabbing – and triumphed. Sansa never saved herself. Whether it was Littlefinger or Theon, some guy was necessary for her rescue. I don't mean Sansa is not capable of saving herself - SHE HERSELF HAS NEVER SAVED HERSELF - SHE LACKS AGENCY. Sansa chose to listen to Littlefinger before he sold her to Ramsey fucking Bolton when Brienne tried to save her, and she still confides in him like he’s a friend – she fucking runs right to him after her clash with Arya! She frets about Arya exposing her to the bannermen, whose allegiance is verifiably fickle (“they’re bloody weather vanes” she mutters). Littlefinger reassures her that Arya is a Stark and wouldn’t endanger Sansa even if she doesn’t like her. He recommends that Brienne be brought in to mediate since she is honorbound to serve both girls. This idea seems to bring Sansa some peace of mind; I am unsure why because later Sansa receives a summons from CERSEI of all people asking her to come South, and Sansa’s immediate reaction is to send Brienne away in her stead. Brienne almost refuses to go – she says it’s too dangerous to leave Sansa alone in the North; Littlefinger has likely been whispering in all the bannermen’s ears so he and they can’t be trusted. Sansa lashes out like another privilged twat (*cough cough* Joffrey *cough cough*), complaining that she doesn’t need to be be watched and minded because she is the Lady of Winterfell and she is home. She won’t go down South herself because she suspects the Lannisters want to take her hostage, so she kicks Brienne out without any room for discussion, destination King’s Landing. So why, considering that she seemed comforted by the idea that Brienne would be an effective buffer between herself and Arya, does she send Brienne away? She could very easily have ignored Cersei’s letter – which she promptly burns, if you didn’t notice, so Arya wouldn’t have some other physical evidence of yet another one of her misdeeds. I think Sansa sent Brienne away because she’s becoming increasingly paranoid; perhaps Brienne would side with Arya, given that Arya could kill Brienne if she really wanted to. Whatever her flawed logic – there really is no one left to “save” Sansa now, in her eyes, except for Littlefinger – so she’s fallen right in the trap he set. Sorry for the tirade – I’m just sick of reading whiny feminist blog headlines like “What Does Sansa Have To Do Before She Will Be Taken Seriously/Be Liked?” She could grow the fuck up, have Littlefinger executed, be loyal to Jon until a new arrangement has been made, and admit her youthful idiocy so she can overcome it, to name a few.

Dany and Tyrion are doing their own bickering back at Dragonstone. Dany is irked that all the dudes have gone off to play hero – she rattles off a list of heroic men who are fools for glory: Drogo, Jorah, Daario… ‘and this Jon Snow.’ Tyrion points out that it’s funny she just named all the dudes who have been (and some who still are) in love with her. “Jon Snow isn’t in love with me” “Naw, he just stares longingly at you because he wants a military alliance” “He’s too little for me” “…” “Fuck, I just made a height joke to a dwarf.” Tyrion uses this time to work on Varys’ request that he reign Dany in a little, bringing up her BBQ of Randyll and Dickon Tarly; he sticks to his guns that it was the wrong call because it was a move her ancestors would have made – and she seeks to remake the world paradigm, so she should try mercy. This is some of Tyrion’s toughest love – he says all Cersei and Aegon (the first Targaryen conquerer) had as far as leadership goes is fear; Dany wants to break the wheel Aegon himself built, which is a task that could take more than her lifetime – which brings up the question of how best to keep the wheel broken: ie “what do we do about succession since you say you can’t have human babies?” This was Dany’s limit – she snarls that she won’t discuss her successor until after she wears the crown. I agree- let’s not count the proverbial eggs before they’re hatched, Tyrion, even though what you’re implying is that Dany should install some kind of democracy, which will bring Westeros into an Enlightenment period, so kudos.

I skipped some of the journey North, which was pretty humorous and it broke up the heaviness of the Winterfell/Dragonstone storylines nicely. FINALLY we have some interaction between Tormund and the Hound; Tormund taunts Clegane as having been “kissed by fire” just like gingers, and pines for the large blonde woman at Winterfell, which the Hound quickly deduces is the woman who felled him, Brienne of Tarth.

 

It’s fucking adorable. “I’ve met her.”  Clegane points out the arrowhead-shaped mountain he saw in his vision, so they know they’re getting close. Fun fact – the very ground they stand on in this scene was the sight of a stone circle back when the Children of the Forest ruled the land millenia before they fucked up and created the Night King.

 

The group later faces off against a zombie polar bear, which results in the death of a red shirt and Thoros gets bitten before the monster is neutralized. Beric cauterizes the wound with his flaming sword and they press on. Eventually, they come upon a White Walker and a platoon of wights, and manage to kill the Walker – taking out all of the weights EXCEPT ONE. It’s like an old vampire myth; if you kill the Alpha vamp, the ones he turned will be cured. Mental gynmastics are required for this – the remaining wight must have been created by a different Walker than the one Jon killed. But the skeleton’s screeching alerts the MOTHERFUCKING STORM – our heroes don’t get very far before they’re surrounded, fleeing to a rocky outcrop in the middle of a frozen lake. They send Gendry off on foot (#stillrunning) back to Eastwatch to get out word to Dany – and boy does he pull a Forrest Gump because he collapses just outside the gates for Davos to find. In the mean time, the rest of the Fellowship is trapped, protected by the precarious barrier of the frozen lake; the Army of the Dead patiently waiting for the lake to freeze back up so they can cross it and kill them all. Jon says ominously that the only hope they have now is that Dany will come save them with her dragons….

….WHICH SHE IS DETERMINED TO DO, despite Tyrion’s pleas not to. She takes off with all of her dragon babies for the Far North wearing a tres glamorous coat.

Daaaamn Mom - you look good!

Thoros dies over night, and Beric lights up his sword to burn the body. Why the hell he didn’t light up the sword just to keep the dude warm through the night is beyond me, but whatever. Now that our resident resurrector  is dead and Melisandre is off in Essos, life seems much more final now. To spit in the face of death (and out of boredom) the Hound starts throwing rocks at the wights, going full hobbit, alerting the Army that the lake has frozen over again when a rock skids across uninterrupted. The fight for the end ensues – the rest of the red shirts are torn apart and for a long minute it seemed Tormund was about to be drowned by the undead and I nearly had a seizure screaming “NO NO NO TAKE BERIC.”

Dany swoops in, the dragons burn through the ice and a large swath of the wight army. The dudes scramble to climb atop Drogon and Rheagal with the captive wight, and the Night King takes out Viserion with a single ice spear, spewing blood and guts all over, the great beast dying on the ice before sinking into the lake below.

 

Take note – the sonofabitch actually walks through flame here; so he appears to be fire resistant despite his icy countenence. Jon sees him gearing up to take out Drogon, so he fights off the wights who might make take off more difficult and sacrifices himself so the others can get away. I call full bullshit – this is the damn door/raft fallacy from Titanic all over again! Jon could have hopped on and they could have gotten away in time just the same. The spear chucked at Drogon just misses, and Jorah falls off, rescued by Tormund.

ALL ABOOOOOARD!!!

Jon sinks into what seems a watery grave as the rest of the Fellowship heads back to Eastwatch. He’s not dead, of course – the Lord of Light brought him back for a reason, dammit! But now that he’s on dry/frozen land again, he’s heavily outnumbered, with no hope of – OH WAIT WHAT IT’S UNCLE FUCKING BENJEN STARK TO THE RESCUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ben saved Bran and Meera at the last minute in Season 6, and he’s stuck around to save Jon – which he does, sending him off on his horse while he faced off against the horde. Maybe Bran/3ER sent him? RIP Coldhands – that’s right folks, fucking Benioff and Weiss waited until the character fucking dies to admit that (for the purposes of the show, at least) Benjen was Coldhands, the much beloved mysterious book hero. Anyway, the remaining fellowship is preparing to head south via boat, but Dany won’t leave her perch on the Wall, because she is not-so-subtly holding out hope that Jon made it out. Poor Jorah – for the briefest of moments, it seemed like he may have had a chance to climb up out of the friendzone, and that ladder was swiftly pulled out from under him when Jon shows up on the horse.

COCKBLOCKED

On the ship, Davos has to literally break Jon’s clothes off of him because they’ve frozen solid. In real life, Jon would have died from hypothermia long before he even reached the Wall – but he’s already a zombie Jesus, so why not? As the men work on Jon’s frigid body, Dany sees his scars, and knows that he was being bashful about the fact that he did take a knife to the heart, and was reborn – just like her. He also probalby reminded her of a dying Drogo, who similarly perished of a chest wound.

We return to Winterfell, where Sansa is taking part in the age old ritual of raiding your sister’s bedroom for dirt on her. She finds something very disturbing and weird – a satchel full of severed human faces. Naturally, Arya has snuck up on her because she is a ninja assassin, and she explains to Sansa that while she was away in Braavos, she studied to be a Faceless Man. Part of her studies included a game – The Game of Faces. Won’t you play with me, Sansa? So you can fail to fool me with your lies?

Let's play a game.....

Sansa is scared shitless now and doesn’t want to play any game – so Arya monologues about their childhood dreams. Sansa wanted to be a Queen, to have fancy things and stand beside a handsome King, while Arya wanted to be a Knight and ride off into battle. As women, they didn’t have a choice in what ultimately happened to them – but Arya did come close. This is what the faces are – they are options for Arya to assume someone else's identity and live as another. All Arya would have to do to see what it’s like to live like Sansa and wear pretty dresses and be an entitled bitch is to take her face… and then she hands Sansa the knife she picked up, and walked away. I suspect Arya left the faces where they could easily be found, so she could further terrorize Sansa. Again: I acknowledge that Arya is veering into Hannibal Lecter territory, but I still feel like Sansa needs to check her privilige. I wonder if Sansa will keep quiet about the faces the same way I’m sure Arya will keep private the note. Probably not – Arya made it clear she could kill Snasa and assume her identity. I can hear the pro-Sansa people complaining that this rivalry feels forced, and I’m inclined to say that it does feel a bit fake considering the Fellowship literally saw dudes who were once attemptimg to kill the other in relative harmony – but I think that’s because the season is so short and the tension hasn’t had much time to simmer between the two of them. Also – I don’t have a sister, but I know plenty of women who do, and it is entirely plausible that even after two women survived so much strife and adversity individually they could still harbor plenty of dislike and mistrust between them. That dynamic is very often perpetual, even when everyone else can see the folly in it but those sisters.

The ending to this epsidoe was a on/ two punch of heartswell and horror. Jon wakes up to Dany by his bedside, and his first reaction is to apologize for her loss. They hold hands and she says she isn’t sorry because she saw it was all for real and that they would kill the Night King together. Jon says “Thanks Dany,” and she bristles because in GOT, only one person called her that – her degenerate brother, Viserys. “How about ‘My Queen’ then,” he whispers, because Jon Snow is now a dashing lad in a trashy romance novel. “I’d bend the knee, but I’m half dead still.” She predictably melts at the submission – and then runs away because it’s become too intimate. She says he should get some rest, so he pretends to sleep until after she’s left.

*sigh* No #boatcest

We end back beyond the Wall, where the Night King as somehow gotten ahold of four giant sets of chains to haul Viserion’s carcass out of the lake. The whole concept of this episode was implausible enough – “let’s kidnap a wight, that’ll show Cersei!” but this was too much. Where the fuck did they get that much metal from!? The Wildlings have crude weapons, mostly repurposed from the Night’s Watch rangers they killed during raids. Completely farfetched. Alas - he touches V’s snout and just like that: the dragon wakes up, blue in the eyes. All those years of speculating who the ‘3 heads of the Dragon' were – we know now it’s Dany, Jon, and the Night King.

Next week’s finale will bring together our three intrepid monarchs to discuss the armistice to combat the Dead– I hope to Rhllor it’s not nearly as anticlimatic as I’m picturing in my head. I also hope that the question of whether ZombieViserion will breath ice or like, wightfire? will be answered. I still hold out hope for a possible Cleganebowl, in which the Hound faces off against his zombie brother (Christ, there are so many ressurected people on this show) the Mountain, and slays him.

Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 5

Maybe it’s because we’re used to 6 seasons of GOT stretching for time that this episode, Eastwatch, felt as rushed as it did. Or maybe the writers really are just pushing the fast forward button and completely disregarding the physical realities of velocity, distance and time (HOW THE FUCK DID A WHOLE ARMY OF DOTHRAKKI WIND UP IN THE FIELDS WEST OF KING’S LANDING AND GET BACK AGAIN IF THE GREYJOY FLEET IS DESTROYED, ALL IN A TWO DAY PERIOD!?!?!). Either way – this more than any other episode felt like a soap opera (and at the end a bit like a Super Friends storyline)- didn’t it?

We pick up right where we left off, with Bronn and Jaime clawing their way back on to dry land. So it was our rogue Bronn who pulled off that deus ex machina! Bronn is sick of being MVP, so he gives it to Jaime for trying to kill Dany with her damn dragon in the way.

 

They must manage to sneak away off camera because the surviving Lannister/Tarley brigade has been rounded up to be presented to the Dragon Queen, yet another epithet Dany has acquired. This scene, so simple, took my breath away –the sight of Drogon stretching his wings on a crag, revving up for another round of scorching deaths was riveting. I’m so happy they broke the bank on the CG dragons this season. Anyway, Tyrion is skittish standing next to Dany during her ultimatum because he just walked the grounds where there is more ash than identifiable bodies. “Bend the knee or die; it’s your choice.” Drogon screams a little to convince the few idiots still standing, but Sam’s dad and older brother won’t budge. People will say they admire Randyll and Dickon for their courage and conviction, but I say they’re just stubborn assholes because when House Tarly is gone – what will become of their family? Sam’s mother and sister were lovely people, if you recall from last season - but they’re not badass females like Arya and Brienne. I’m wondering if Sam will eventually be released from his oath to the Night’s Watch to claim his title and homestead… more on Sam later. Dany sentences them to die despite Tyrion's pleas to show them mercy, but Drogon BBQs them and that’s all she wrote. Their deaths were entirely avoidable from both perspectives.

BEND THE KNEE

Jaime runs back to Cersei in a panic, having just witnessed the full catastrophic power of Daenerys and her dragon. Cersei brushes off the mass casualties; they have the Tyrell gold and are in good standing with the Iron Bank – they can just hire mercenaries. Jaime says no – a mercenary army isn’t going to best the Dothrakki in an open field, and even if that’s embellishing things – it’s pretty hard to fight if you’re being incinerated by dragon fire. He wants to try and work something out with Dany, but Cersei is a despot and won’t cede her power – she’d rather die fighting. Jaime also reveals that it was Olenna who offed Joffrey – not Tryion. Her reaction is only that she should have made Olenna die screaming – no regret at all for her railroading of Tryion.

Jon Snow is brooding on the cliffs on Dragonstone when Dany swoops in on Drogon, fresh off her victory. There is a rather terrifying moment where we see what Jon sees – a giant hulking death beast gets right up in Jon’s face. Again – the graphics on Drogon are excellent. Dany looks on in admiration as Jon pets her dragon on his snout without being eaten/roasted – to her it’s probably a sign that he can be trusted, but to us it’s just beating a dead horse that Jon is also a Targaryen.

Hello, Cousin!

There is a light joke about the swiftness of Dany’s trip: “You weren’t gone long,” Jon says. “I have less enemies today than I did yesterday,” Dany follows. She asks him about the veracity of Ser Davos’ claim that he took a knife to the heart for his people - and he lets her continue to believe it was just a figure of speech. He probably should have copped to his zombie status though – because he’s completely overshadowed by the return of JORAH FRIENDZONE MORMONT – who must have hitched a ride on a Tardis or a Delorean to get to Dragonstone.  Dany hugs Jorah tenderly and welcomes him back into her service, and Jon is noticeably chagrinned.

Reunited and it feels so gooooood

Up in the north, Bran is warging into a flock of ravens that he sent north of the Wall to seek the Army of the Dead. It’s nice to see him using this power again since he leveled up to greenseeing. Unfortunately, he sees the Night King near Eastwatch-by-the-Sea, which is where Jon sent Tormund. Bran has Maester Wolkan send ravens to Jon Snow and to the Citadel to tell of his vision –

-which is where we find Sam, who just happens to walk in on a conversation the head Maesters are having about Bran’s letter. They think visions of the walking dead are likely a load of shit, but Sam speaks up and insists Brandon Stark is legit – how else could a cripple survive north of the wall for so long? And besides, Sam has seen the wights in person – it’s all real. He urges them to tell all of Westeros of the danger because they are this world’s equivalent of ‘scientific experts’ – the lords will believe them and send armies to the north. Poor naïve Sam… The Archmaester admits it might be true – but it’s likely a ploy of the Dragon Queen. Sam leaves in disgust – and the Archmaester reveals to his pals that he knows about the demise of the House of Tarly, but hasn’t had the heart to tell Sam about it yet.

Varys and Tyrion are getting drunk in the throne room. It seemed a bit disingenuous to me that only now are Varys’ sins starting to get to him, but when you consider the fact that he’s read the note Bran sent for Jon (Tyrion and Varys’ banter about having read the private correspondence of the King of the North was adorable in this scene), and the fact that Melisandre told him he was going to die a few episodes ago, it feels less like bullshit. Tyrion clearly feels bad about Randyll and Dickon, but insists he is only Dany’s Hand – he can’t make her decisions for her. Varys rues all of the times he sniffed out people for Dany’s father to barbeque – it must feel like history repeating itself for the ol’ Spider. He tells Tyrion he has to get her in line – but with so many lines having been crossed by the characters in this story, is there proprietary boundary anymore?

 

Jon is given his note and he’s floored – not only does he learn that TWO more of his siblings are alive – but also that Bran is a mystical shaman who saw the march of the Army of the Dead south to Eastwatch. As Marty McFly once said: “This is heavy!” Jon tells Dany he has to go, but she is concerned because he admitted to having too small an army and she won’t be sending hers or else she’ll lose ground to Cersei. Tyrion and Davos spit ball about trying to set up a meeting with Jaime, who is the only person Cersei will listen to. Tyrion thinks if they can smuggle a wight down to King’s Landing so she can see for herself the danger, maybe she’ll press pause on the war. Does this seem fucking stupid to anyone else? Why would Cersei give a fuck even seeing it with her own eyes? She’s a megalomaniac, she’s the sort that would welcome the Night King to obliterate the Northmen and then she’d ineffectively sick her mercenaries on the Dead. Jorah throws himself into the mix, offering to carry out the mission beyond the Wall, but Jon will not be upstaged– this is his territory and if he wants it done right (regardless of the fact that he’s a King and his constituents are getting restless back home – more on this to come), he’ll damn well lead the party himself! Dany’s crush reveals itself: “I didn’t say you could leave,” she warns hollowly. Jon insists he’s a King and will do whatever foolhardy thing he wants, so he sends Davos and Tyrion off to King’s Landing to discuss the plan with Jaime.

Back in Winterfell, Sansa is being flattered mercilessly by Lord Glover, who coos that they all should have elected her to be their leader. Arya watches on, pissed at Sansa’s willingness to accept such criticism of Jon. She confronts Sansa in her room – the room that used to be their parents.’  Arya accuses Sansa of being disloyal –that she hopes Jon will die down south; that her soft responses to treasonous speech are so that in the event of Jon’s failure to return, she will be seen as the legitimate heir of Winterfell. This, of course, is absolutely true – Sansa is performing her duty as Lady very well, but the power is going to her head. Sansa is clearly scared of Arya, knowing she’s slightly unhinged and that she could kill Brienne if she wanted – Sansa is a far easier target. She tells Arya that you don’t unite people by chopping off heads; that disciplining the Lords for criticizing Jon would lose Jon his army, and then dismisses her, citing “work to do.” I know this scene was meant to show just how ruthless and cold Arya has become, but I’m like 70% in her corner on this. Sansa is right to maintain the peace, surely – but it’s not out of fealty to her ‘brother:’ it’s for her own benefit.

Bronn lures Jaime into the same dungeon with the dragon skulls that Cersei and Qyburn like to hang out in with a lie about “sparring practice” so that Tyrion can have his audience. This is yet another example of missing time that we’re just supposed to be comfortable with: we saw Tyrion and Davos arrive on a secluded beach, and at least a day must have passed so that Tyrion could pay someone off to get word to Bronn, and then Bronn had to come up with a way to get Jaime to the spot, etc. The erstwhile Bronn takes off, and Jaime is apoplectic, although ultimately likes what he hears about Tyrion’s plan about the armistice.

While this was happening, Davos was scouring Flea Bottom in search of the boy that got away –GENDRY! Davos went full Arrested Development with: “thought you might still be rowing!” My whole brain had to reboot from the meme-induced fangasm I suffered. Gendry is alive and well, working as a blacksmith since his seafaring escape waaaaaay back in Season 3. He doesn’t even care what Davos is selling: he’s already packed to go; he grabs his hammer (a direct reference to his father, Robert Baratheon, whose weapon of choice during the Rebellion was a warhammer) and they take off for the shore, where Davos left his secret boat.

Gendry 2.0

We are treated to Davos’ smuggling showmanship as a couple of guards stumble across them trying to leave, and he very nearly has them fooled, bribed, and on their way when Tryion shows up, fucking up the whole con. Gendry takes out both guards in two shots, and then the trio is back at Dragonstone (the seas must be in cohoots with Team Dany, I know it), where a bastard meet-cute occurs. “You’re leaner [than your father]!” says Jon. “You’re shorter [than your father]!” Faux pass, Gendry – you probably didn’t realize the double entendre of the pseudo insult you just delivered (you know, because Ned’s corpse is a head shorter than he was when he was among the living). But Jon accepts Gendry’s help going forward for his mission north of the Wall, because they’re just two bastards trying to leave the world a better place than they entered it. I suspect Gendry will serve a greater purpose as a blacksmith than a warrior – his former master was Tobho Mott, one of the last men alive who could reforge Valyrian steel. Perhaps Gendry learned that skill and can help make more weapons in the fight against the Dead?

Jaime runs back to Cersei to try and reason with her about what he just heard from Tyrion, and in addition to her shaming him for assuming she didn’t know about Bronn’s scheme (and allowed it to continue), she drops the “I’m pregnant” bomb – because GOT is now a telenovella. Every time Jaime gets close to righting the fucked up ship Cersei is steering, she knocks it off course with a whopper. She also insists that she will proudly tell the truth that the child is his when the time comes; and Jaime knows that that will ruffle the wrong feathers, but he’s just gotten some good news for once and he can’t object. Poor, dumb Jaime: we know from the prophecy of Maggie the Frog that even if Cersei isn’t lying about being pregnant, this kid will never be born because Cersei was destined to bear 3 children – and three kids have been born and died already.

Sam is dealing with his own familial drama in Old Town, where he’s working and Gilly is avidly reading aloud to him the Asperger’s-level observations and doings of the High Septon Maynard. We learn that there are 15,782 steps in the Citadel, there aren’t any more windows in the Sept of Baelor, and that he performed an annulment in Dorne for Prince “Ragger” and married him to a new wife – and then Sam loses his shit because he’s toiling away copying “trivial shit” when there’s important information just sitting on the self in the library that could possibly save them all from the White Walkers. AAAAAAHHHHH OH MY FUCKING GOD we now have proof that Jon is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne because Rhaegar had his marriage to Elia Martel annulled, which means his secret marriage to Lyanna Stark was lawful and Jon is neither a Stark nor a Targaryen bastard at all! We’re off screaming at Sam’s mansplaining failure to acknowledge the information Gilly has just stumbled upon, but poor timing aside he’s decided to jump ship with Gilly and Lil Sam. Sam is just done reading about the accomplishment of great men – he wants to be a great man himself, so they take off with stolen literature, presumably for Winterfell. I hope to hell Gilly smuggled Maynard’s diary too.

 

Winterfell has a ghost – not just the direwolf, who Sansa meta-joked about earlier in the episode (Ghost is waiting around off camera for Jon because they blew the CGI budget on Drogon), but Arya, who is actively stalking Littlefinger, who is paying people off all around the castle for information. She lets herself into his room, where she finds a scroll that she watched the Maester give to him in a very sketchy exchange. The scroll is the letter that Sansa penned ages ago from King’s Landing to Robb Stark about how Ned was in the wrong for trying to overthrow Joffrey – if you’ll recall, Robb read the note to Catelyn back in Season 1 and it was determined that though it was written in Sansa’s hand, the words were Cersei’s. Arya wasn’t around for this, of course, so the content of the note definitely puts her off. It was retrieved and placed to drive the wedge between her and Sansa even deeper – Littlefinger staged that whole thing to trick Arya. I would like to believe that Arya is smarter than this – that she will realize that nothing Littlefinger does can be taken at face value, and that he’s trying to play her against Sansa in a typical ‘divide and conquer’ ploy. But Arya is fairly disgusted with the way things are panning out at home, so she very well may make matters worse.

The end of this episode played like fan fiction – they literally threw together any characters that were north of the Riverlands (who weren’t already at Winterfell) at Eastwatch, where Jon, Davos, Gendry, and Jorah meet with Tormund, who has imprisoned Thoros, Beric, and the Hound in the dungeon at the castle. They all clash, having at one point all been on opposing sides of the political struggle that has plagued Westeros for the past 4 years or so. I’ve created this info graphic to help you keep track:

Jon dismisses their former allegiances and past sins because they’re all on the same side now: #TEAMSTILLBREATHING. They all prep for their journey north of the Wall, where they’ll attempt to kidnap a wight and make it back alive to secure an armistice until the Dead can be defeated. It’s a cartoonish plan, IMHO – but you know next week we’ll get a look at Beric Dondarrion’s flaming sword, so I think it’s worth it. Here’s to hoping the inevitable casualties are Beric and Thoros, and no one else!

Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 4

Who says you can't go home?

This episode was wonderfully brief in comparison to its predecessors this season. It seemed almost like filler –but it ended epically. Despite its brevity, it was full of important reunions and smoothed out some rough edges from the previous chapter.

It is established that the Lannister army bolstered by Randal Tarley’s forces has sent off Highgarden’s gold to King’s Landing, and are sweeping the countryside of the Reach to collect on the food stores that will feed the city and the soldiers for the duration of the war. Bronn and Jaime bicker because Bronn feels like he’s owed his due (he was promised a long time ago a castle and a rich wife), but Jaime merely rolls his eyes because he literally handed Bronn a sack of gold coins, so how bad is his life really? Back in the capitol, Mycroft Holmes is eagerly awaiting the payment in full to the Iron Bank that Cersei has promised, and is hoping to maintain the business ties they have to fund her war. She mentions to him that she needs to expand her navy and army and expresses an interest in hiring the Golden Company, which is a group of mercenaries based in Essos. This could be a pretty blatant show of the writers’ hand; if you’ve read the books you know the Golden Company was founded by a Targaryen bastard many years ago and is comprised of outcasts and exiles from all over. It’s being speculated that they may instead choose to serve Dany instead of Cersei because of the lineage of their founder, or maybe they’ll agree to be rented by Cersei and turn on her, or perhaps they’re just a red herring and we’ll never see them – only time will tell.

The thing that thrilled me the most this episode (yes – even more than the ending) was the return of Arya Stark to Winterfell. Arya is stopped at the entrance to the castle by a couple of incompetent and rude guards who immediately doubt her claim to be Arya. She easily evades them and is found by Sansa in the crypt, where she’s visiting Ned Stark’s grave. I thought their reunion was quintessentially them – “Do I have to call you Lady Stark, now?” “Yes.” Sansa and Arya were never close, but they’re clearly glad to have been reunited after so long, acknowledging the literally miles worth of insane shit they’ve both lived through to come to that point. Sansa remarks that Jon was happy to have seen her, but will be elated to have Arya back home. Up comes the issue of Bran…

We first see Bran this episode being talked at by Littlefinger, who gifts him the very blade that was used to try to kill him during his coma in season 1. How nice to see you again, catspaw blade! Sort of a morbid memento, but that’s fucking Littlefinger for you. The sleaze goes into a diatribe about how much he loved Catelyn and his life now is trying to express that love by helping her children however possible. He doesn’t know who he’s really dealing with – Bran is the Three-Eyed Raven, and knows full well Baelish is full of shit, just perving on his sister and playing all sides whenever it suits him. It’s never been confirmed who actually hired that assassin – it was blamed on Tyrion, and the War of the 5 Kings happened as a result. I still think Littlefinger was somehow involved, just as he helped plot Joffrey’s assassination – although that hasn’t been proven. Bran checks him by dropping “chaos is a ladder” on him – which was a line from Littlefinger’s monologue back when we found out that Joffrey pumped Roz full of arrows. He’s thrown off his game, struck by the direct quote from a conversation Bran was thousands of miles away from but has viewed in a vision of the past.

The writers really want us to accept that Bran is no longer just Brandon Stark, cripple nobleteen – he’s an all seeing sage in a boy’s body. They show us Meera bidding Bran farewell to make this abundantly clear – for her it’s emotional and momentous, but he seems unmoved, saying a simple “thanks” to a girl who faced incredible hardship (extreme physical exertion, attempted rape, near murder-by wight) for his cause. She explains with frustration: Summer, Hodor, and her brother died for him beyond the Wall – she herself was willing to die – and all she gets is a “thanks?!” But for the Three-Eyed Raven – this is a drop in an ocean of significant moments across many lives; he may be Bran in body, but in mind, he is a collection of noteworthy moments. “You died in that cave,” she tells him sadly. It’s a kind of truth – his singular identity as Brandon Stark is no more.

Sansa oversimplifies this to Arya, whom she brings to meet Bran out by the weirwood tree, as Bran “having visions.” Arya embraces her brother, and he gives her the catspaw blade that Littlefinger presented him with. “It’s wasted on a cripple,” he says simply, and Arya is honored – it is a Valyrian steel blade, after all – there’s hardly any left in the world. Sansa is alarmed – about Bran having accepted a gift from Littlefinger, that is. He gives nothing without expecting something in return, she insists – but 3ER/Bran already knows this. They speak briefly about Arya’s intended journey south, so that she’ll know that he knows about her Kill List. I enjoyed this running bit throughout the Winterfell-set portion of the episode – Arya mentions The List in the crypt, and it comes up that most of the people on it are already dead, save for Cersei.

Arya’s lust for revenge and her ability to carry out this violence is made clear to all parties in the castle. She’s pleased to have acquired such a fine blade, and is eager to use it. Lucky for her, Brienne and Pod are doing their regular sparring (Brienne’s regular kicking of Pod’s ass, really) in the courtyard. Arya requests a training session with Brienne, who defeated the Hound (so far as they all know). Brienne is literally twice Arya’s size, so she seems to go at her with kid gloves: “You can't use [Needle] m'lady, it's too small.” Arya smirks and says: “I won't cut you, don't worry” and proceeds to kick Brienne’s ass, with both Needle and her new blade. When asked who taught her to fight like that, Arya predictably says “no one,” which was delightful.

Observe Arya sticking her with the pointy end

Sansa and Littlefinger watch the sparring in amazement from the ramparts – little Arya Stark just bested the Lady Knight who is supposed to be Sansa’s personal bodyguard. It’s an unsettling moment – Littlefinger should be shitting his pants because if Arya is given a reason, he could very easily be put on and crossed off her Kill List. For Sansa, it’s almost a slap, because her siblings – all of whom have suffered in different ways, as she has – have all come away from their trauma with amazing skills and accomplishments, except for her. Having all of the true-born Stark kids home again was an event years and wars and deaths in the making – and while they are all relieved to be relatively safe in each other’s company, there’s no real sense of belonging or unity between them. The emotional and relational distance is vast, but for now they are optimistic that despite their disparate lives, “our stories aren’t over yet.”

 

The “bastard Stark,” meanwhile, is off in the abandoned mines of Dragonstone, showing Danaerys the ancient wonders carved into the cave walls beneath her feet. Have you noticed that the best conversations occur below ground this season? There are symbols and primitive drawings that tell a story about the Children of the Forest and the First Men, who worked together in spite of their differences to defeat a common enemy – the White Walkers. Jon and Dany don’t know the real story: that the White Walkers were created by the Children to wipe out the First Men, and they only ultimately teamed up when their Frankenstein’s Monster turned on them both – but the allegory is convenient for the message Jon wants to convey to the would-be Queen: the Dead are marching on us and we need to work together to survive.

Dany says that she will help Jon and his people –once he bends the knee. Jon is conflicted – he was appointed King in the North; it would be a betrayal to his people for him to bow to a Southerner. Thus marks the second time in the episode where one character directly quotes the other’s words back to them: Dany asks Jon “Isn’t their survival more important than your pride?”  Jon once said this (almost if not) exact same thing to Mance Rayder about the Wildlings. Jon and Dany seem to be warming up to each other, which gets interrupted by some more bad news – Casterly Rock is taken but the Lannister Army has still won.

Dany fumes – she’s now losing a war she was only recently very poised to win. She cuts down an already bruised Tyrion; accusing him of wanting his family to prevail after all. She’s tired of “clever plans” – she asks Jon directly what he thinks she should do. He’s not happy to be put on the spot, but she recognizes that his opinion would be unclouded in the way Tyrion or Varys’ might be. Jon hasn’t steered her wrong unlike her other advisors. He basically tells her that if she burns King’s Landing – which is what she is proposing – she’ll be no better than Cersei, or her father.  But this dragon is off to take on the Lannisters on her own terms – how will be revealed soon enough.

We don’t see Dany leave, but Jon and Davos are permitted to stay to continue their mining efforts, where they speak more intimately with Missandei about her ruler. She confesses that she was once a slave, and that Dany bought and freed her – and she remains in her service out of loyalty, because like so many others, Dany is the Queen they have chosen, not the Queen they serve because of a birthright across the sea. This erodes away at Jon’s initial impression of Dany as just some privileged brat - she too has a cult following based on her miraculous deeds. They spy a Greyjoy ship in the bay, and Theon sails ashore seeking Dany – only to find Jon fucking Snow. I almost felt bad for Theon – the asshole just can’t catch a break. Jon roughs him up a little and spits out that the only reason he doesn’t kill him right there on the beach is because Theon saved Sansa. Davos is curious about where Yara is – Theon tells them she’s Euron’s prisoner, and he was hoping Dany would help liberate her.

But Dany isn’t there, he learns. Dany has taken her remaining army of Dothraki to the fields of Westeros, where Tyrion and Varys know Jaime and company will be slow moving supplies to King’s Landing. What follows is a battle for the history books, an ambush that completely takes the Lannisters and Tarley’s by surprise. Jaime hears pounding off in the distance; it reminded me of Jurassic Park when the visitors hear the T-Rex approaching, seeing vibrations in the ripples of the glass of water resting in the console.

 

They’re not at all prepared for a full on assault, but they make an honorable effort. There’s just no competing with a mother fucking dragon– Dany barrels down on them with Drogon, and she burns hundreds of men alive, along with all of the grain they were moving. I'm not sure this was all that wise despite its efficiency - if Westeros is in danger of starving come the arrival of Winter, should we be burning food? Jaime and Bronn are blindsided – the only reason they escaped alive is because they had Qyburn’s “Scorpion” ballista with them. Poor Bronn is forced to scramble through the melee to operate the thing because Jaime only has one good arm and it takes two to load the projectiles. Bronn manages to hit Drogon in the shoulder, and for Dany it looks bleak for a minute as they spiral down to the ground. He lands safely though and lights up the weapon, smashing it into splinters with his tail.



LIGHT 'EM UP UP UP

This is where it gets really good, because Tyrion is watching this all happen from the hill with Varys and some Dothraki. “Your people can’t fight,” sneers a Horseman, and Tyrion knows it’s true. He can see Jaime and Bronn, and he silently roots for their escape because they were once his closest companion and admired older brother. But Jaime is enraged by the carnage he sees, so he takes up a spear and charges at Drogon, who Dany is tending to, trying to yank out the spear in his arm. “Flee, you idiot!” Tyrion slips, because Jaime is about to become a golden fried steak- but he’s saved at the last second by Dickon Tarley (I think it was Dickon, but it could have been Bronn), who leapt from his horse, knocking the two of them into the small lake just as Drogon roasted the ground they had only just occupied. We leave off watching Jaime drift further under the water, his defeat plain on his face. He’s most assuredly not dead – Nicolaj was paid in full till the end of the season.

Things are heating up in Westeros – I’m left wondering mostly if Drogon will be okay because his namesake was felled by an infection from a wound in practically the same bodily location. #savethedragons
Only three episodes left this season!

Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 3

 

Before I even get into it: Let’s all take a moment to pour one out for Lady Olenna Tyrell, the OG scheming bitch of the Seven Kingdoms, who was schooling men long before Dany and Cersei got a place on the board. I have loved Diana Rigg since I was a child (back when she was Emma Peel), and I have to say her performance has been consistently amazing on this show. I’ll miss the old bird; more on her later.

Obviously, this is the moment we have all been waiting for (nearly 2 decades if you’re a book reader like me): the convergence of the Jon and Danaerys storylines, the coming together of Ice and Fire, as Melisandre puts it (did anyone else squirm with glee at that moment? I always love when characters in a book/movie/show find an unassuming way to mention the title of the thing they’re in). Jon and Tyrion reunite on the beach at Dragonstone, which reminded me strongly of when Han Solo and Lando Calrissian meet up again in Cloud City.

Jon, Davos, and company reluctantly turn over their weapons and the Dothraki confiscate their little boat, and they begin the trek up the hill to the castle, where Davos strikes out trying to make small talk with Missandei, and there is a supremely awkward conversation about Sansa. Tyrion tells Jon that his insecurity about how unstrategic it was to come South is well founded – Starks don’t fare well in the South, historically, and were he Jon’s Hand, he would have advised against it. This is all just a set up so Jon could say “I’m not a Stark,” and then be mowed down by the passing by of a MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON (I think it was Rhaegal, and if it wasn’t that was a missed opportunity because that dragon was named after Jon’s true father, Rhaegar). Because, duh, Jon is actually a Targaryen! Not that he knows (he famously knowing nothing), but that was a not so subtle hint from the universe, amirite?

Melisandre overlooks the arrival from high up on the hill, and Varys has come to taunt her. He knows something must be amiss if she actively avoided the Northmen, since the meeting was all her idea. She admits that she “did not part on good terms” with Jon or Davos, though leaves out the part about barbecuing Shireen  - Varys already loathes her, he doesn’t need more fodder. She says she will leave for Volantis, and Varys basically threatens her life, implying if she were to return to Westors it wouldn’t be safe. She counters with this gem: “I’ll be back little spider, I have to die in this strange country. Just like you” -and then she leaves. So either she’s seen Varys’ demise in a vision, or she knows something more about him related to when his genitalia was sacrificed to a god when he was a child – the God spoke, if you believe when Varys told this story to Tyrion. Was it the Lord of Light? Either way – Varys was spooked. The only thing I know is in Volantis is Kinvara – the Red Priestess that helped spread the word that Dany is Azor Ahai throughout Slaver’s Bay. It’s likely a religious retreat for Melisandre, who insisted her days of whispering in Kings’ ears were over, but I’m not sure I believe her.

But enough about that old crone. Finally – Jon and Dany meet in the throne room. The meeting was kicked off with the 5minute long recitation of Dany’s many titles, to which Davos offers simply: “This is Jon Snow. He’s King in the North.” BAZINGA! What follows is the longest bit of uninterrupted dialogue I think has ever run on this show. It doesn’t go very well – Dany’s regal countenance seems to rub Jon entirely the wrong way, and Dany is outraged by 1)Jon’s refusal to bend the knee 2)his assertion that they’re being childish squabbling over formalities, and 3)his insistence that they need each other to survive. “I have dragons!” “THERE’S AN ARMY OF THE DEAD, WOMAN!” – it’s all cringingly frustrating because we know Dany’s navy has been obliterated before she does, and Jon knows he sound nuts talking about a spooky Night King and ice zombies.

But really, Dany and Jon are very similar in their accomplishments, as per their roles in the “Prince[ss] that was promised” prophecy. She is happy to step down from her throne and throw it in Jon’s face that, although her birthright is the Seven Kingdoms, she fucking earned that shit: she was sold, raped, beaten, lived in exile, with many nay-sayers and attempts on her life, but she always believed in herself, and now she’s here, having freed a whole continent of slaves and brought a famously water-shy ethnic group overseas.

That triggers Davos to throw it out there that Jon is just as impressive  because he has NO birthright (AAAAHHH if only they knew!)- “he’s a damn bastard who nonetheless united the Wildlings and the Northmen and was appointed King in the North because everyone up there (except Sansa) loves him, and he literally took a knife to the chest-” Jon cuts off Davos so he wouldn’t have to elaborate on his resurrection, and then Varys comes in bringing the bad news, so the Northern faction is dismissed, not quite prisoners for their open revolt stance.

 

We are shown that Theon, ever the survivor, is fished out of the sea by a few of the Ironborn, and they treat him with disgust, knowing that if Theon had made an effort to save Yara from Euron, he wouldn’t still be alive, therefore he is a coward still. I really can’t feel sorry for Theon as hard as I try, knowing he has major PTSD and saved Sansa should have redeemed him but it hasn’t. Why is he alive, really? Simply so that Jon can cross his path and berate him for being a fucking tool? It would be less cruel if he were dead, which is why GRRM is determined to keep him alive I suppose.

Euron parades Ellaria, Tyene, and Yara through the streets of King’s Landing and the common folk are thoroughly enjoying it, as is Euron who grossly admits to his niece the whole thing is “making him hard.” He stays true to his pervy Uncle shtick in the throne room as he taunts Jaime, asking vulgar questions about Cersei’s sexual proclivities. Euron reminds me of a more sexually aggressive Beetlejuice; confrontational and annoying, pure id in a sleazy leather jacket. Cersei seemingly promises to marry him once the war is won – but she’s Cersei, so who knows if she will make good on that.

I chose MAC "Fashion Tide" Lip Gloss for this murder.

We cut to the dungeons where I knew immediately she was going to kill Tyene with the same poison that was used to kill Myrcella, because Cersei was wearing pink lipstick and that woman hasn’t worn make up since season one. Her descent into sadistic madness is in free fall, this sequence goes on for a long time, taunting Ellaria Sand about Oberyn and then mandating that the lights be kept on and her victim force fed in order to witness her daughter die. I don’t really feel bad for The Sands, either, as much as I hearted Oberyn – they kind of had it coming.

Clearly Greek-tragedy style revenge is a huge turn on for Cersei (take notes, Euron!), because she throws herself at Jaime, who submits to her advances without much fuss. Her hubris leads her to answer her door in the morning half naked, Jaime in her bed. The lady in waiting (sporting Cersei’s pixie cut, which seems to be an official style for Ladies now) tells her the representative from Braavos has arrived, and gets a solid look at Jaime. I really hope this somehow bites Cersei in the ass down the line; because I’d literally rather see Littlefinger on the Iron Throne and I hate his fucking guts.

Cersei banters with Mycroft Holmes (don’t know and don’t care what that character’s actual name is), of the Iron Bank of Braavos, who has come to collect on all of the Crown’s debts. He politely calls Cersei out on her shit and brings up Dany’s dragons, and Cersei pretty convincingly argues that Dany may have dragons, but she’s a revolutionary, not a monarch – Cersei is a better bet than the Mother of Dragons, who dealt Braavos a pretty serious financial blow when she liberated the slaves in Essos. You can see her cleverness running straight to her head, and Mycroft relents after she promises to have all the debts paid off in two weeks, which seems overly ambitious, but sure, why not?

Jon is staring longingly at his ship that he can’t get to in the bay from the hill, where he is interrupted by Tyrion, who also came up to brood because the navy is gone and is upset that Jon Snow is a better brooder than he is (we know this because it’s actual dialogue and it’s amazing). Tyrion reiterates to Jon that he believes him about the Night King, but points out that it’s pretty hard for people to think in big terms like that – Cersei is a more digestible monster. If this isn’t a blatant allusion to our modern struggle with climate change denial, I don’t know what is. Anyway, Tyrion feels bad and asks Jon if he can help him with anything else, since Dany won’t be sending troops up to the Wall.

“DRAGAONGLASS!?” Dany exclaims. “Why the fuck are we talking about glass when we just lost half our fighting force?” Tyrion implores her to let the Northerners mine the dragonglass, because they didn’t even know it was there, and since it means nothing to her and everything to him – it’s a great way to forge a tentative alliance. She ultimately agrees and tells Jon she will help him mine the dragonglass, even though he still hasn’t agreed to bend the knee. There’s also a brilliant bit where Dany calls Tyrion out for trying to pass off his own thoughts as ancient wisdom – it felt almost like the “I love lamp” gag from Anchorman.

Back in the north, Sansa shows her leadership acumen by demanding higher grain stores and leather lining on metal breastplates. The whole thing seemed contrived to me; I get that she’s not supposed to be a total idiot, and I don’t think she is unintelligent, but why is she the only one thinking of this stuff? She’s been a political prisoner for much of the last 3-4 years, what the hell does she actually know about running a homestead? Catelyn was a hyper competent Lady, but Cersei wasn’t, so I guess we’re to believe she’s picking up where her mom left off, but it seemed cheesy to me. Anyway, Littlefinger is still trailing her like a puppy dog, and he launches into another Rust Cohlesque monologue about how “Everyone is your friend and enemy and all possibilities are happening at once blah blah blah” it may as well have just been the Westerosi version of “time is a flat circle.”

Which is actually a great set up for our reintroduction to BRANDON STARK, who is back in Winterfell. Sansa gets another brotherly reunion, and is eager to address the fact that as the last trueborn son of Ned, he is the Lord of Winterfell. It’s not lost on Sansa that her position as Warden of the North in Jon’s stead is basically voided by Bran’s presence – except that Bran is very clear that he will not accept that title, since he is already the Three-Eyed Raven. Bran is doing his best Dr. Manhattan, “I know all and have seen all”-dead in the eyes/voice impression during this meeting with his sister, which takes place under the Weirwood tree. He speaks cryptically of wanting to meet with Jon (Bran is the only living person that we know of that knows about Jon’s true origins), and then he basically tells Sansa he’s sorry she was married off to Ramsey and raped in their own home, which sends her running, having experienced in person the true freaky nature of talking to the 3ER.

We spend some time in the Citadel, where Jorah has made a full recovery from grey scale thanks to Sam’s intervention! Jorah is headed back to his Khaleesi, and I suspect he and Sam will play a role in uniting the monarchs they serve sometime later this season. Sam gets bitched out by the Archmaester for defying him and risking contaminating the whole city, but the old man is so impressed with the job he did Sam gets a promotion of sorts – he’s now going to be copying scrolls instead of emptying bedpans.

Back on Dragonstone, Dany expresses a desire to go the way of the dragon and unleash the full fiery fury of her children on Euron’s fleet, which the advisors veto, citing the obvious dangers. Tyrion then narrates the sacking of Casterly Rock, which is won thanks to his redesigning of the sewers back in the day to sneak prostitutes into the fortress. It’s all very anticlimactic because only a barebones unit of men were there to ‘defend the castle’- turns out this was an elaborate trick by the Lannisters, who let the Unsullied have it so they could cut down their numbers and destroy what was left of Yara and Theon’s armada.

Now Greyworm and his brethren are on the wrong side of the continent without a navy and will have to march across the land when their stores run out, Jaime Lannister explains to Lady Olenna in her room at High Garden, where the true Lannister force was when the Casterly Rock fiasco was going on. Randal Tarly did indeed turn against his liege and High Garden was taken rather quickly because, as Olenna admits, “fighting was never our forte.”

This pre-death conversation was a great capstone to a very long episode. Jaime and Olenna speak about their past failures; Jaime’s rectified with this victory after his similar defeat at the hands of Robb Stark so long ago, Olenna’s outstanding due to a “failure of imagination.” She shoots barbs about both Joffrey (“He really was a cunt”) and Cersei (“she is a disease, and I regret my part in spreading it, as will you”), whom she declares to be a monster; and the cause of Jaime’s downfall. He knows as much; so Olenna moves on to asks how she will die. Jaime is the better person of the twins, as always, so he has arranged a dignified and painless death for the old woman, and she unsentimentally drinks down that poison with a quickness. Never to be outshone or without the last laugh, Olenna leans back and tells Jaime it was she who orchestrated Joffrey’s murder. “Tell Cersei, I want her to know it was me,” are her final smug words. Jaime is understandably mindfucked and storms out of the room, with the “Rains of Castamere” playing over the end scene.

Sometimes the best deaths aren’t bloody or (physically) savage at all. RIP Olenna Tyrell - your epic shade throwing will be missed.

Next week, I think Dany is going to make good on the final advice Olenna gave her – “be a dragon” – and seek retribution for her dual defeats at Cersei’s hands.