AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that I got that off my
chest, I’m going to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH some more, so I can
start employing rational thoughts. ALL THE FUCKING FEELS, PEOPLE! Season 7’s
finale, which clocked in at and hour and 25 mins was only ever disappointing
for roughly 5-6 minutes – everything else was thrilling for both satisfying and
horrifying reasons.
We open on Greyworm and the
Unsullied, who have successfully marched across Westeros to menace the walls of
King’s Landing in time for the armistice meeting. Bronn and Jaime have a candid
conversation about what the mercenaries could possibly be fighting for if they
have no cocks. "Family," Jaime suggests. “Not without a cock!” It’s standard
Bronn, but it does show that with no hope for a family, these men fighting for
Dany stand for something else – existential freedom, perhaps? They have an
actual cause, unlike the Lannisters – who only fight to keep their wealth and
power and other Lannisters safe. The Dothraki pour in behind the Unsullied,
and we pan out to the armada in Blackwater Bay so we get a better view of where
the force resides on the Lannister side of things. Then we see a few teeny
ships sailing in, which carry Jon and Tyrion and everyone else on Team Living,
except for Dany.
Jon, worrying about the
numbers of recruitment for the Night King, asks Tyrion how many people live in
King’s Landing. This is Jon’s very first trip to the capital and to a city
period – he doesn’t know. Tyrion guesses a million – which for the size of KL
seems like a lot to me, but whatever, I accept dragons and resurrection on this
program, so why not? Like any country boy Jon is aghast – how do they stand being
all squished up against each other? Tyrion’s answer boils down to: brothels.
Tyrion and Bronn – peas in a pod.
Up in the Red Keep, Cersei
complains to Jaime that Dany didn’t arrive with her compatriots, so she must
assume the Dragon Queen will be making a statement entrance later. She instructs the Mountain
to kill Dany first if negotiations go south, and then Tyrion and Jon.
Meanwhile, the others make their
way to the Dragon Pit, which is where the Targaryens kept their dragons to keep
the populace safe once they conquered Westeros – and where the armistice
meeting will take place. It seems a statement from Cersei – 'I mean to tame the
dragon here.' Tyrion mentions that when Balerion (whose skull Qyburn impaled in
the dungeons) lived there, it was the most dangerous place in the world. Davos
quips predictably: “Still is.”
Bronn greets the group – and
a full twenty minute sequence of reunions kicks off. Brienne arrived in Sansa’s
stead early, so she’s behind Bronn. Pod and Tyrion have a sweet exchange, but
by far the best moment is the Hound meeting up with Brienne. “I thought you
were dead?” she says. Not for her lack of trying, obviously. She reveals Arya is
alive at Winterfell, and that she doesn’t need Brienne’s protection at all –
Arya could kill anyone who gets in her way. The Hound smiles wistfully: “Won’t
be me.” They walk in together in contented silence. Bronn and Tyrion banter, and though they've chosen different sides for different reasons, they're both glad to see the other. THE FEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone reports to their
side under the awnings Cersei has set up in the middle of the decrepit arena.
Because the actor who plays Bronn and the actress who plays Cersei used to be
romantically involved and fucking hate each other in real life and it’s no joke
in their contracts that they don’t have to have scenes together, Bronn and Pod
leave the area so the big guns can duke it out – and so Pod can bless a
few more prostitutes with his magic penis.
The following scene was
excellent – clearly an homage to the Western, where gunslingers are meeting up
to cut a deal but are all obviously wary and suspicious of everyone else.
They're all giving everyone else shifty eyes waiting for Cersei and her
entourage to show up, wondering if she’s going to pull a Sept of Baelor on them.
The Hound is particularly twitchy; he fled KL because he didn’t want to die
there. He grumbles to Tyrion: “Am I going to die here?” He then scoffs this
whole idiot plan was Tyrion’s idea, and that every bad idea there’s been some
Lannister cunt been behind it. “With a Clegane there to help carry it out,”
Tryion snips back as Cersei, Jaime, the Mountain and company arrive and filter
into their seats.
The Hound wastes zero time
– once Cersei’s ass is in her chair he confronts his zombified brother. “Remember
me?” he sneers into the Mountain’s blue face. “I’m coming for you, bitch.” Then
he leaves – to get the wight in the crate, of course, but to everyone else it
looks like he just dropped a mic. CLEGANEBOWL CONFIRMED SEASON
8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m fucken STOKED.
They all sit and fidget for a
few minutes, and then Dany rides in on Drogon, Rheagal soaring overhead. Drogon
does some roaring and does an intimidating crawl into the pit to drop off his
Mom – Team Cersei recoils, except Cersei herself, who had been bracing for this.
She does a great job of seeming unimpressed. Once Dany is seated, Cersei drips
with disdain like an asshole manager at a company meeting: “We’ve all been
waiting for quite a while.” Dany: “My apologies.”
Euron spots Theon and creates
his own opportunity to show off, taunting that he still has Yara and if Theon
doesn’t come forth and submit to him ASAP he’ll kill her. Tyrion intervenes and
the obligatory imp jokes are made, which Tyrion and Theon brush off as weak and
unoriginal. “You never explain [the joke]” Tyrion rolls his eyes. Jaime has no
patience so he tells Euron to sit the fuck down, so then Cersei seems pissed at
being upstaged; tells Euron if he
doesn’t obey she’ll sick the Mountain on him. He complies. Ick, what a douchebag.
Tyrion continues: We don’t
like each other. We’ve conspired against and killed each other’s families. But
legit: we have to table these beefs because the threat is real. Jon’s turn to
toss in his catchphrase: “It’s about living, period.” Because, as Tyrion puts
it, “no conversation will erase the past fifty years” it’s best to just show
Cersei the danger.
The Hound returns with the
crate, and carefully opens it. When nothing happens, he unsheathes his sword and
kicks over the box – and the wight goes nuts; takes off like a shot right at
Cersei, which definitely does disturb her. Lena Headey’s acting is superb here.
There’s a chain on the wight so it doesn’t reach her before the Hound yanks on
it – he cuts the wight in half, but it’s still moving. You can practically see
Qyburn getting a boner at the death magic he’s witnessing – he picks up the
hand of the wight which skidded away, fingers still moving, staring in wonder.
He passes it off to Jon, who demonstrates that the wights can be killed with
fire or dragonglass (he stabs the top half of the wight in the head with a
dragonglass blade).
Jaime is horrified – Dany
confesses she didn’t believe it until she witnessed the Army of the Dead
herself. He asks how many strong they are – she says 100,000 at least. Euron is
squirming too – he asks: can they swim? Dany says no – little does Team Living
know about the mer-wights who must have sunk to the bottom of the lake beyond
the wall to dredge up her dead baby.
That’s all Euron needed to
hear to change his mind, apparently – he says that of all the shit he’s seen on
the seas this is the only thing that scares him so he’s OUT – deuces! He leers
at Dany that he’ll be going back to his island and she should return to hers,
and after the Dead overrun the continent they’ll be the only rulers left alive
(to repopulate the planet, is the implication). He takes off – and I was glad
to see him go, but I suspect he’s full of shit, because Euron isn’t the “ooooh
I’m scared” type, and Cersei isn’t the type of controlling bitch who would just
let her armada sail off with no complaint. This is fishy (sorry, couldn’t
resist).
Cersei says she accepts the
truce, seeing that they aren’t lying, on one condition: Jon must remain north,
and remain NEUTRAL in the battle that will determine who the Queen of Westeros
will be once the Dead are defeated. She says she trusts the word of Ned Stark’s
son, but would never trust Team Dany.
This puts Jon in a very
uncomfortable position – he already bent the knee to Dany, not that either of them
told anyone else because it was a really intimate moment. But Jon can’t help it
– Ned may not actually be Jon’s father, but he was his daddy: so Jon full on Ned
Starks the situation to remain truthful and confesses he cannot serve two
Queens, he’s already pledged to Dany. Cersei flips the figurative table and
tells them they’re shit out of luck and storms out.
 |
| Couldn't resist... |
Everyone is wincing and
staring at Jon like he just bitch slapped Cersei – because he did just royally
fuck the plan. Brienne dashes after Jaime and argues with him – talk to her!
“To say what?” Jaime snivels, because WHIPPED. They glare at each other as
Jaime loyally trails his sister-girlfriend, even though he knows she’s in the
wrong. Dany scolds Jon – she knows he was just being earnest but his admission blew
up their plans. Tyrion says lying is sometimes necessary to get things done,
but Jon progressively sticks up for truth in principle because when words have
no meaning, nothing can be relied upon. Oh, politics – if only Jon knew about Bernie
Sanders: being honorable doesn’t get you far when lying fuckers run the game.
Tyrion decides the only way
to save the planet is to throw himself in the lion’s den – he goes to face off
against Cersei. Tyrion and Jaime tentatively say farewell outside of her
private quarters because this may be Tyrion’s last hurrah – and then brother
and sister face off in a flurry of bitter and hateful dialogue. This fight has
been 3 seasons in the making, and it doesn’t disappoint. It’s also quite sad –
Cersei concedes that Tyrion may not have killed Joffrey, but she still holds him responsible
for Tywin, Myrcella, and Tommen. This is bullshit, of course: the only death
he’s truly responsible for here is Tywin. I put Tommen squarely on Cersei
– and Myrcella was all Ellaria Sand, who is still probably wasting away in the
dungeon beneath their feet. Tyrion is
pained by the deaths of the children, and is in fact very remorseful about
killing their dad – but Tywin meant to sacrifice Tyrion and had mistreated him
his whole life, so he wasn’t that
sorry. They share some wine – or at least, Tyrion pours Cersei and himself a
glass, she doesn’t imbibe. HINT. She hates him
for destroying the future of their house, and he asks if there is no future –
why is he still here? There was a showdown in which Cersei very badly wanted to
give the Mountain the go-ahead to kill Tyrion and he played chicken along with
her – and she controlled herself for strategic reasons; but she could have
slaughtered him then and didn't. She manipulates Tyrion during a monologue about not giving a
flying fuck about making the world a better place – which is the very reason
Tyrion says he’s thrown his lot in with Daenerys – she only cares about her
family. She says this while clutching her belly – which Tyrion deduces quickly
as: Cersei is pregnant. Cersei is no feminist icon – she’s a scheming selfish
bitch who admits she doesn’t care if the world burns down around her so long as
she and the few people she cares about are ok, and she uses her fetus to play
her sympathetic brother like a fiddle to sell her next con. I don’t doubt she
is pregnant, by the way – I guarantee she’ll miscarry sometime next season,
because as per the prophecy Cersei will only have three kids, and all three
were born and have died already. I am no feminist icon either – I’ll smile when
it happens too. #sorrynotsorry.
While this is happening, Dany
and Jon sift through the small dragon fossils littering the arena. She tells him
that the construction of this pit was the beginning of the end for the
Targaryens – for their unknown shared lineage. “A dragon is not a slave” – but
that’s what happened to the dragons the Targaryens caged here for the safety
of the city. This practice made the dragons ever smaller – and the political
influence of her ancestors smaller too. She says in plain words that she cannot
have children. Jon asks how she could possibly know that? Dany: “The witch who
murdered my husband told me.” Jon: “….don’t you think the witch may have been
biased?” Either way, Jon admits his political error: “We’re fucked.”
But wait! Tyrion is back, and
in once piece! And Cersei and company are behind him! Can I also just say, if
you put Cersei’s getup on a runway model in 2017 I wouldn’t have blinked an eye
– she looks thoroughly 21st Century badbitch. Kudos. Cersei says
she will send the Lannister army North with Team Living with no
conditions – remember I did ya’ll a solid when this is over, k? My face:
Back in Winterfell,
Littlefinger is pitting Arya against Sansa as they discuss Jon’s letter, which
informs her he bent the knee to Dany. Littlefinger says Jon’s motivation is
quite simple – he is a young king, and Dany is a young beautiful Queen – it’s a
logical alliance. He stops implying she should overthrow Jon and says it blatantly
– you can un-king him. Sansa is worried that Arya would kill her for such a
transgression – she used to be a Faceless Man, dontchaknow? I will confess –
having not seen Arya and Littlefinger in the same room at the same time in
a couple episodes, I was unsure if this was actually Baelish, or Arya wearing
his face. He teaches Sansa his own mind game – what’s the worst thing an
enemy could want? As in: what’s the worst thing Arya could do to Sansa? Sansa
thinks: kill me, for betraying my family. Baelish continues: how believable is
her motivation for killing you? What would she gain? Sansa deduces: if I am
dead, she becomes the Lady of Winterfell. Sansa seems mad paranoid now – but
the scales have tipped and I know
Sansa won’t be fooled by Littlefinger any longer. Arya told Sansa herself – she
never wanted to be a lady. She doesn’t want Sansa’s job – she wants Sansa to be
loyal to her family (Jon).
On Dragonstone (because KL
and DS are like, four miles away from each other I guess), Jorah is worried Dany
will get picked off by an angry northerner en route to Winterfell – he pleads
with her to fly north. But his place is the friendzone, so Dany goes along with
Jon’s plan, which is the better one – we should travel together to be seen as
equals and allies, by boat to White Harbor in the North, at least. Look at Jon, lining up
a chance to hook up! Poor Jorah….
A completely unnecessary
exchange occurs between Theon and Jon. This was totally wasted airtime, IMHO –
who gives any fucks about Theon anymore? Anyone? Anyone? NO ONE CARES! I wanna
know what the fuck happened to Gendry because he’s absent again – more Gendry,
less Theon! It was mostly a chance to show Jon is very much Ned’s successor
because even though they’re really uncle and nephew, they are the same in their
honor and willingness to turn the other cheek. Jon forgives Theon for the
transgressions against his family, and tells him to get the hell out of dodge to
save his sister, and then Theon comically retakes the few men still loyal to
Yara by not being defeated by a few kicks to the crotch (MOTHERFUCKER – I GOT
NO JUNK). I don’t care at all if Yara is saved or not, but I guess Theon should
be given a chance to redeem himself since there’s no way Euron is gone from the
final season of the show.
On the ramparts at
Winterfell, Sansa sends for Arya – who enters a great hall lined with the
Knights of the Vale, with Sansa and Bran at the head table, Littlefinger
snickering off to the side. Arya sizes up the room and basically tells Sansa
that whatever shit she’s about to pull she better get on with it – she gives no
fucks. I was a little nervous until Sansa read the charges –
murder and treason. Arya's murders are unknown to Sansa (but probably not to
Bran) – whose murder would she be charged with? Sansa cares very little for Walder
Frey because of the Red Wedding – fuck him, right? Turns out the charges are
actually for LITTLEFINGER!!! When I say I was literally screaming and cheering
and dancing in my living room at the pure schadenfreude-ism of it all, you can
ask my 3 year old and he’ll tell you I scared him with my reaction. Sansa’s
take down was glorious – Baelish pushed Lysa Arryn through the moondoor – does
he deny it? He gave Lysa the poison that killed her husband Jon Arryn – does he
deny it? He also plotted to kill Brandon Stark and blamed the assassination attempt on
Tyrion, kicking off the whole War of the Five Kings – does he deny it? Bran
chimes in at one point when Ned comes up – “You held a knife to his throat and told
him he shouldn't have trusted you!” He pitted Lysa and Catelyn against each
other, just as he tried to do with Sansa and Arya – fucking try to deny it, bitch! She tosses it out
there that despite his claims to have loved her mother and loved her, he sold
her to the Boltons. She then turns his own words on him and thanks him for his
many lessons – Sansa is a slow learner, you see, but she finally learned. He grovels like the worm he is at the Lords of the
Vale, but they turn on him – they’re loyal to Robyn Arryn, of course, who is
Sansa’s kin, and Sansa’s not a lying scheming criminal so fuck Baelish. Sansa
sums up by reminding him that the world is an unjust place – but she’s making justice, and passing judgment on
his ass. She gives Arya the go ahead, and while Littlefinger is on his knees
she slits his throat with the very blade that started this whole mess. He keels
over and the attitude in the hall is simply ‘meh.’
I don’t give a rat’s ass
about sports – but this in this moment I fully experienced the elation and
glory of a win that didn’t belong to me. GOT is my spectator sport. DING DONG: THE DICK IS DEAD. Later, Sansa and Arya are
shown to be peacefully coexisting, content with their familial roles, even if
Arya is “strange and annoying,” by Sansa’s standards. How quaint! I still don’t
like Sansa – but I do finally respect her.
From that high we come down
to Jaime Lannister talking over the logistics of marching north with his generals, whom
Cersei dismisses to berate Jamie for his naivety. “You always were the stupidest
Lannister,” she sneers at him, yelling that there’s no way she’s sending a single person to help Team Living – she lied.
Jaime is floored – you can see in his face how surreal the moment is, because he
gets it – their personal bullshit is
meaningless if human life is in danger of extinction! Cersei wants to let the
Army of the Dead slaughter their enemies so that whoever wins will be weaker by
the time they make it back down south, and Jaime rightly throws up his hand(s)
and screams “If the Dead win, we’ll all be dead!”
She brushes the threat off,
saying that even if the Dead win, the Crown has MONEY! Because money can buy the Golden Company and
surely they can defeat the DEAD! In
fact – Euron is off picking them up now, his performance at the armistice was a
clever ruse to justify the disappearance of his fleet! Jaime looks about ready
to backhand her, and I really wish he would have – he’s destroyed that she
plotted to undermine the truce without consulting him, with Euron of all
fuckboys. He says he’s leaving if she’s committed to this folly, and she tells
him he’s expendable because she has their baby to live for – she even tells the
Mountain to weapon up to cut Jaime down. I honestly was scared Jaime was about
to bite it – Cersei has gone complete darkside. “No one walks away from me,”
she threatens like an abusive monster husband in a cheesy Lifetime Original
movie. But that’s what she lets him do – Jaime leaves King’s Landing in plainclothes,
hiding his golden hand under a glove as snow starts to fall on the city. He’s
headed north, likely to warn Tyrion about Cersei’s treachery. I was so relieved - Jaime and Sansa are both slow learners,
perhaps – but they’ve both acknowledged their shitty relationships with
backstabby-people and resolved to fix the mess they’ve made as individuals.
Tying up one last loose end
(since we don’t get to see Gendry at all L) – guess who comes
rolling into Winterfell? It’s our friendly neighborhood Tarly, Sam, who seeks
an immediate audience with Bran. The exchange is mostly humorous:
Sam: I dunno if you remember me, Bran, but –
Bran: I remember everything. I’m the Three-Eyed Raven.
Sam:…. I have no idea what that means.
Bran: I can see the past, and present, but because I’m lazy – what are you doing here? (notice he left out the future)
Sam: I came to help Jon!
Bran: Oh, good – he’s on the way with Daenerys the Dragon Queen.
Sam: Woah, you can see that happening right now?
Bran: (holds up note) Naw, man – he sent a raven.
Bran does bring up the fact
that they have to tell Jon the truth about his origins – that he’s not a Snow bastard,
but a Sand bastard, because he was born to Lyanna Stark in the South, sired by
Rhaegar Targaryen. BUT WAIT – Sam gushes – HE’S NOT A ‘SAND’ – he’s a full blown
TARGARYEN, because Sam translated a High Septon’s diary back in the Citadel
that said Rhaegar annulled his marriage to his first wife and married
Lyanna - which Bran promptly goes back
to witness through greensight now that he knows what to look for. He also goes
back to see that Jon’s true name – whispered by Lyanna into Ned’s ear at the
Tower of Joy- is Aegon Targaryen – because Rhaegar was the sort of fucking
asshole that would give both of his
sons the same exact name. What the fuck, dude? Just because you just
disinherited the first kid doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist!!! Also: Sam, you better
worship the fucking ground Gilly walks on because you KNOW you didn’t make that
discovery, but you damn sure took credit for it!
Bran states the obvious
through voiceover that Robert’s Rebellion, then, was based on a lie –Jon is the true heir to the Iron Throne through
a legitimate marriage of Dany’s oldest brother– just as Jon and Dany finally
get it on on the ship to White Harbor. #BOATCEST didn’t bother me at all –it
got me a full shot of Kit Harrington’s backside, SO IT WAS WORTH THE GROSS
DRAMATIC IRONY. Yep – Dany just boinked her nephew. Tyrion knows what's what (not the incest part obvi)– he sulks
down the hallway from Dany’s room were the Dragon is getting it on with the ‘Wolf.’
Perhaps he’s concerned about the possibility of complications that could arise
should Dany’s infertility turn out to be a cruel lie… Bran is determined to
reveal Jon’s true heritage to him – but I honestly feel like when Jon finds
out, it’s not going to become public
knowledge. He’ll probably tell Dany so she can choose whether or not she wants
to be with him despite the incestuous nature of their potential relationship,
and then he’ll ignore his birthright and side with the Stark side of his family
– because Jon only wants to lead to serve the people of the North; he’s the
least megalomaniacal regent on this show – unlike his historical namesake, the
Targaryen who conquered Westeros. After the war is won, if he survives to the
end (*fingers crossed*) – he’ll likely give up the title of King and make Sansa
the official ruler of the North. UNLESS Dany winds up with a bun in the oven –
the prophecy the witch made could be a Macbeth-level fake out, which seems ever
more likely to me. What will they do if
she does wind up preggers – the heir issue from the previous episode comes to
mind – that’s why I think it’s going to be a plot point next season.
Survival is tenuous for them
all – the episode ends with Tormund and Beric on the lookout at Eastwatch,
where their worst nightmare comes to life – the Army of the Dead is at the
gate, and White-Viserion swoops in and BURNS A MOTHERFUCKING WHOLE IN THE
MOTHERFUCKING WALL. This implies that dragonfire in and of itself contains magic
or is able to undo magic because good ol’ Uncle Coldhands once told us that the
Wall may be a massive feat of labor but it’s been effective for 8000 years
thanks to magic that was woven into it’s base by the Children of the Forest. It
would seem the Night King’s ploy at the lake was a trap to get his hands on a
dragon after all – the dragonfire was exactly what he needed to blast his way
through – Viserion halves a chunk of the Wall, causing it all to collapse in on
itself into the sea, leaving enough space for the Dead to amble slowly south
into Westeros, unchecked. I was beside myself worried that Tormund was a goner
(“take Beric instead!!!!!!!!!!!!”), but he survives the attack – hopefully he
and the others can run along the length of remaining Wall to get out the word.
It ends on a major bummer – shit just got extra real.
This also gives more
credence to the fan theory that the Night King is Bran Stark, through some
sort of closed loop greenseeing time
continuum gimmick. How else would the Night King know where to be at the right place at
the right time EVERYTIME, why else would he have let Jon live when he could
have killed him at least twice before now, if Bran is correct that greenseers
can’t reliably see into the future, how else would the Night King have known
where to lay a trap for a dragon? I think the theory makes too much sense – but
it would take a lot of Back To The
Futuresque exposition to explain away why/how Bran becomes evil. If that’s not
the case, then the Night King must also be a greenseer himself, or perhaps a
kind of god? – but the question of why he’s waited so long to dominate the
world when he knows so much goes unanswered there. We’ll have to just wait and
see.
I don’t know about you all,
but I don’t know what to do with myself for another year waiting for the final
season – aside from rewatch everything obsessively during the months in between
(especially the Jon’s bare ass scene). Thanks for reading my poorly-written, stream-of-conscious
reactions, and please do read again next year. Valar Morghulis.
