Game of Thrones, Season 8, Episode 4: Cersei Strikes Back

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuug, what a shit sandwich of an episode! Easily my least favorite of this season thus far, because none of the sneaky machinations of our warring factions had any satisfying payoff, unless you’re a Cersei Lannister stan.

We open with the largest funeral pyre in human history on Winterfell’s front lawn, where our protagonists are weeping over the ones they lost – Dany over Jorah (she whispers something inaudible in his dead ear: newsflash, Khaleesi – telling him “I love you” now is too little, too late!), Sam over Edd, Sansa over Theon (she slips a Stark pin into his vest), Arya over Beric, and Jon over little Lyanna Mormont. Christ- just writing that made me tear up again. If you’ll notice – the pairs are made up of the people who died saving the very person who is about to light them up.

John launches into a heroic eulogy with a very Night’s Watch bent, announcing that the departed were “the shields that guarded the realms of men and we shall never see their like again.” Notice, it’s the ‘King’ in the North who takes lead on this; Dany is quietly sobbing with her contingent off to the side. This tracks because John was the person who understood the stakes and got Daenerys to make up the difference with her army and dragons, and we are at the Stark family castle, after all. But Dany is the ruling party here, as she would insist – shouldn’t she have made a small speech?

Anyway, as the smoke that could rival an exploding Krakatoa rises over the landscape (seriously, the dead wights have to be there too, right? They didn’t just explode into ice chips. Also – how the fuck did they drag all the bodies and make all the pyres so damn fast? How many days later is this?), the remaining living humans retreat back into the castle to dine (and presumably to avoid dying of smoke inhalation).

Gendry is on the lookout for Arya, and asks the Hound if he’s seen her. He hasn’t, but he knows Gendry is thinking with his dick so he makes commentary. Not that he disapproves – they all survived a showdown with literal death, what else were they trying to preserve if not drinking and fucking? Chagrinned, Gendry gets up to find Arya, but is sidetracked by Queen Daenerys herself as he passes by the head table. She identifies him as Robert Baratheon’s bastard, and graciously legitimizes him as Gendry Baratheon, Lord of Storm’s End – but not before reminding him that the father he never knew was responsible for the destruction of her own family. As in – look guy: you’re an underdog like me, so Ima give you a huge promotion, but don’t ever forget who you have to thank for it, ‘k? Awkward…..

Dany toasts the new Lord of the Realm, and then toasts Arya Stark, the hero of Winterfell! The somber room is suddenly very cheerful – ‘cause now everyone has license to get wasted and celebrate the fact that they’re alive.

Gendry finds Arya where he found her the last time they crossed paths – archery practice. The poor fool gushes about his new inheritance and drops to one knee, asking Arya to marry him. I have to admit – she looked so happy before she kissed him I was nervous for a split second that she would agree, with conditions – but thankfully she declined the proposal, staying true to the statement she made to her father so many years ago when he told her she’d be a great lady and mother to many children: “That’s not me.”

What do we say to the guy that proposes? That's not me.

The rest of Winterfell is basically a giant frat party now, playing drinking games and busting one another’s chops. Tormund and some buds are chugging and singing Jon’s praises, and Brienne, Pod, Jaime, and Tyrion are playing some Westerosi version of “Never Have I Ever” in which the players guess things about the other players so when they’re wrong, they drink – if they’re right, the other person drinks. 

The big take away from this sequence is that Tyrion – ever the pervert – guesses correctly that Brienne is still a virgin, because duh. This obviously makes Brienne prickly, excusing herself to piss. Tormund thinks this is his shot to get it in, but Jaime takes off after her first.

A very lucky serving girl saunters off with Pod, and for some strange reason another serving girl offers herself to the Hound, who literally barks at her, uninterested. Sansa sits down across from him, curious why he would turn down such an opportunity (cuz clearly, women don’t often throw themselves at Sandor Clegane). The Hound grumbles and changes the subject to Sansa's rapey wedding night with Ramsey Bolton - party foul much? But this gives Sansa the opportunity to reveal that she killed Ramsey for his crimes - via hounds. He makes similar commentary to Sansa as he did to Arya – “you’ve changed, Little Bird.” He reminds her that if she had just fled King’s Landing with him so many years ago, she would never have fallen prey to Ramsey Bolton or Littlefinger. Dude – I know you don’t socialize much, but I feel like you should know better than to bring up the worst moments of someone’s life in the middle of a party at their own house. But Sansa doesn’t wallow in regret or self-pity – if she hadn’t been brutalized by the world, she would have remained a little bird forever. This made me uncomfortable, like it was implying a woman has to be raped and tortured to cast aside her girlish whimsy, but whatever – at least Sansa isn’t crippled by the tragedies that have marred her past.

Dany isn’t faring well at the feast, despite Jon’s reassuring smiles, because she is quite noticeably the outsider in the room. Tormund and company are stupid drunk now and have zero nuance – he lauds Jon, who may be small, but he rode a fucking dragon! “What kind of person climbs on a fucking dragon? A madman, or a king!” 

I’ll tell you what kind of person, Tormund: Daenerys fucking Targaryen, who is both possibly a mad person and a Queen! This very woman; who was essentially a slave, who woke three dragons out of stone following an attempted immolation, who liberated half of Essos against all odds! But Jon is getting the Gatorade poured on him!? She gets up and leaves the party, disgusted, and you know what? Rightfully so.

Maybe she was just pissed that they made her drink wrong?

The whole of Winterfell is a series of low-key orgies, and Jaime won’t be letting Brienne not take part in the festivities. She winds up having to take off both of their clothes, because drunk one-armed Jaime is apparently a fumbly mess – let’s hope for Brienne’s sake that only applied to laces. Ser Brienne of Tarth – Knight of the Seven Kingdoms, virgin no longer! I think Arya probably had a better time losing hers because both parties were sober, but that’s neither here nor there.

Dany knocks on Jon’s door, and asks if he’s drunk (he is, but “only a little”). It seems as though these incestual love birds will be hooking up too, until Jon pulls away, because she is his aunt, which doesn’t seem like a good enough reason for Dany. Their confrontation devolves into an ultimatum from Dany – don’t tell anyone about the fact that you’re Aegon Targaryen, swear Bran and Sam to secrecy, or else we’re through, because you have the better claim to the throne and the love of the people. Who thinks Jon’s going to Ned Stark this situation right up the ass?? Do I ever!

The next morning doesn’t help the tension between both parties as they plan their invasion of King’s Landing because it’s clear their losses have put them at a distinct disadvantage against Cersei, who is letting the people of King’s Landing into the Red Keep to “protect them from the usurper” and now has the Golden Company mercenaries and Euron Greyjoy’s fleet. Yara Greyjoy retook the Iron Islands (which could only have what, like, 4 people still living on them?) in Dany’s name and the new Prince of Dorn has declared his loyalty to her (we never learn who the new regent is since House Martell is no more, just that he exists), but that’s not much help. Sansa – ever the buzzkill – isn’t wrong in pointing out that the remaining living troops are pretty worse for the wear, maybe we should hold off and let them heal, but Dany takes it as Sansa looking to tank their bargain – her help against the Night King for the North’s help against Cersei. They come to the decision that Jon and the Northmen will ride south, and Dany, the dragons, and what remains of the Unsullied will sail south for Dragonstone. Why? I have no idea – plot convenience? This makes zero sense! Euron Greyjoy’s fleet outnumbers theirs and Dragonstone is super close to the capital – they don’t think they’ll run into each other??

So Jon... we have to talk about Yoko....

Sansa and Arya grab Jon for a family meeting at the Godswood (Bran is there too, because reasons) and lay into him about Daenerys – whom they do not trust because she’s going to get them all killed. Arya really drives in the knife (see what I did there?) about him being their brother and Ned’s son as much as any of them, and Jon cracks – because he’s more Ned Stark than any of Ned’s actual offspring. He swears the girls to secrecy and tells Bran to break the news about Jon’s true ancestry – naturally, Jon’s secret will die with Arya, but Sansa is a petty stupid bitch who thinks she’s smarter than she actually is, who tells Tyrion the first chance she gets the truth about Jon – because she knows he’s the better choice for King than Dany. I’m not saying Sansa’s wrong – Jon is clearly the better leader – but she just had to betray Jon’s confidence so she could run her mouth, didn’t she? And Tyrion can’t keep this shit to himself – he tells Varys on the boat as soon as they’re alone. Eight people now know the truth, by his count: which means it’s basically just common knowledge.

The Hound is on horseback by his lonesome on the road out of Winterfell – or he was, until Arya joins him. They both disliked the crowd, and both have unfinished business down South. The Hound wonders out loud if Arya will leave him to die by the side of the road again. “Probably,” she chirps – and just like that, our favorite road trippin’ duo is back together again! Clearly, the Hound is off to kill his brother, the Mountain, and Arya is off to try and pull another Hail Mary to kill Cersei, presumably. If they work together, maybe they can actually pull their respective gambits off? We’ll see.

Jon is leaving for the south and saying his goodbyes – Tormund and the Wildings are going up beyond the Wall again, to the ‘true’ North, and agrees to take Ghost with him. What the fuck, Jon!? We didn’t get a single reunion pet or hug or anything! Maybe we’re supposed to see this as Jon casting aside the last remnants of his Stark identity (which is silly because regardless of the fact that Ned isn’t his bio dad – he’s still half Stark!)? This episode is called “The Last of the Starks,” after all. I suspect Ghost isn’t gone, though – I have a feeling something bad is going to happen to the Wildlings and the return of Ghost will be the herald of whatever fucked up shit befalls them. Anyway, from a hug Jon figures out that Gilly is pregnant (“I think he knows how it happened, Sam”) and gives his bestie an emotional farewell – which now makes me fear for Sam’s life.

Night has fallen and the Lannister brothers are having a beer before Tyrion sails south – because Jaime is staying behind in Winterfell to shack up with Brienne! This is easily the best part of the episode – Tyrion gets to make a tall person joke! As they toast to “climbing mountains!” (totally poor taste to make fun of Brienne’s height, but could this also be foreshadowing that Jaime will have a showdown with zombie-Clegane!?), Bronn shows up, crossbow in hand. I love the sheer absurdity of this – how the hell did Bronn just wander into Winterfell, as a known enemy of Dany’s Crown? He just happens to find the two guys he was sent to take out, alone together? It’s insane! What makes it even better is that neither Jaime nor Tyrion is particularly surprised or concerned to see him. Bronn is there to do the Bronn-iest thing he could do – he tells the guys about the hit Cersei hired him for, and gives them the chance to promise him something better than Riverrun in exchange for their lives. What’s better than Riverrun? Highgarden, Tyrion offers – which was the old Tyrell estate, since raided and stripped from the lesser Tyrell’s that still live, if any do. That sounds good to Bronn, who plans now to let the two sides have their endgame battle and side with whoever the winner is. Content, he calls the Lannisters “a pair of gold-plated c***s” and strolls out of the room, I guess to hide out somewhere up North in a brothel until the dust has settled?

Sadly, that was the last of the good mirth for the episode. Dany, Drogon, and a banged up Rhaegal soar in the skies over her fleet, Dragonstone within swimming distance- which is fortunate, because shockingly (or really not, because Cersei wasn’t just going to sit and cower in the Red Keep) Euron’s fleet is just on the other side of the island, equipped with dragon slaying tech – the kind Bronn failed to kill Drogon with last season. They succeed this time – RIP Rhaegal, you couldn’t catch a break, and for that I’m sorry. Rhaegal takes three hits and crashes into the sea, and the armada gets torn to shit by the same gigantic harpoons. Greyworm, Missandei, Tyrion, Varys and the Unsullied are all forced to swim for it as Dany bears down on Euron’s fleet, enraged. She thinks better of it and banks out at the last second, returning to the island in defeat.

The others wash up on shore – except for Missandei, who hasn’t actually drowned. Nay nay – she’s been captured by the enemy, back in chains at the Red Keep, where Euron and Cersei gloat over their win. Cersei tells Euron he’s the father of her baby, which Qyburn ‘confirms’ with a nod. There’s still no proof she actually is pregnant, and I’m comforted by the fact that the prophecy says she’s already had all the kids she’ll ever have, and that she’ll be dying at the hands of someone she probably knows soon.

Varys, Tyrion, and Dany have a fraught argument over their next move. Understandably, Dany wants to sack the city, dragon blazing, but Varys begs her to reconsider because slaying thousands of innocents won’t only not earn her any loyalty from the commoners – it will turn her into the very tyrant she has been working to vanquish.

Sansa and Brienne get a raven explaining that Dany plans to march on the city before Jon’s army gets there to give Cersei a chance to return Missandei and surrender (who sent this letter? Tyrion?), and Sansa laments at Jaime that she won’t get the chance to watch Cersei die after all (I guess because she assumes Dany is going to raze the city). Jaime falters – he sneaks out of Brienne’s room that night to run back to Cersei, but not before Brienne follows him out and begs him to stay with her, insisting that he was a good person and it wasn’t his job to deal with Cersei’s bullshit any longer. In a fit of self-loathing, Jaime confesses to throwing Bran out the tower window and a string of other contemptible things he’s done for love. “She’s hateful – and so am I,” he says by way of apology, leaving Brienne bawling in the courtyard. Feminists will undoubtedly sneer at this scene, saying that it undermines her whole story arc as an independent woman, but c’mon bitches: she has been secretly in love with this guy for years now at this point. He just left her for his ex – who is also his sister, and an evil bitch. After she stuck out her neck for him and fought the Dead alongside him! Wouldn’t you be upset? Brienne is a badass but she’s still human, and is allowed to be moody for a night.

Dany and a small retinue march to the gates of King’s Landing, where Cersei is waiting for them on the battlements, which are lined with anti-dragon weapons. Tyrion and Qyburn meet just outside the gate – two Hands going over the conditions of surrender, which for Dany means she gets Missandei and Cersei steps aside and keeps her life, but for Cersei means Dany fucks off or else Missandei dies. Tyrion tries to make it seem like Qyburn is turning up his nose at a chance to save the city, but Qyburn knows that they have the upper hand and doesn’t even flinch.

So stupid fucking Tyrion gets right up to the door to talk at his sister and pleads with her to agree to Dany’s terms – because she isn’t a monster (she totally is), and she and her baby don’t have to die (I hope this announcement comes back to bite her in the ass next episode – that Euron figures out the baby isn’t his or isn’t real and he leaves. Wishful thinking, I know). She seems poised to let her archers pump him full of arrows, but instead she asks Missandei if she has any last words.

“Dracarys,” she says before the Mountain unceremoniously lops off her head. I have to say – if I had to guess who would have died first, I would have said Greyworm, not Missandei. The look on Dany’s face says that she will be honoring her confidant’s last wish – looks like we’ve waded into Mad Queen Dany territory, folks. Prepare yourselves for an onslaught of hatred on the internet about them killing the only woman of color on this program, who died as a pawn between Queens with little regard of the fact that she was a person in love, with ambitions to live free of service or bondage. The outrage is justified, I’m afraid – Missandei’s death is just a means to an end for Dany’s descent into becoming a heartless conqueror, which is less than the character deserved.

Tyrion insists Daenerys won’t pick up where the Mad King left off, but Varys is convinced Dany is about to go full dark side. They bring up the notion of marrying Jon and Daenerys, so that Jon could temper her worst impulses – but Varys knows full well that Dany hasn’t gone through what she’s gone through to play second fiddle to her nephew. Varys also finally brings up the fact that while incest isn’t considered quite so gross down in the South – up North it’s still taboo; so when Jon’s true parentage becomes word on the street, it won’t be well accepted up North should their hero wed his new-found aunt. Plus – most lords will favor Jon as regent simply because he’s a dude. “Cocks,” he quips back at Tyrion, “are important, I’m afraid.” His treasonous conjectures bother Tyrion, who has to know that he’s backing the wrong horse (well, dragon) here, but he’s not wavering – because he’s in love with Dany too? Because he thinks she’s the only person who can unseat his sister and re-settle Westeros? Who the hell knows.

Next week is the penultimate episode – historically, the best episodes of each season of GOT are the second to last ones. There’s a lot to make up for given how crappy this episode was. We can expect a final battle between the Dragon and Lion teams, and I’m sincerely hoping that Dany and Drogon don’t burn down the city, but it certainly seems like they will, given Dany’s vision from the House of the Undying – where she stands in a roofless, burned out Red Keep in the snow. Given that Cersei has ramped up the dragon-killing tech across the city, I suspect Drogon is doomed to be a goner, unless they manage to outfit him in dragon armor really fast, which maybe Gendry could have managed given a few months but shit getting real like tomorrow. Which is going to depress the shit out of me. I’m a bit bummed out that everyone in the Stark/Targaryen alliance has opted to wear their idiot caps since they united at Winterfell – I thought Arya was nuts to say Sansa was the smartest person she knew a few weeks ago, but evidence is suggesting that may actually be the case. Why the hell didn't Cersei just kill Dany's retinue when she had the chance? She easily could have! Will Jon be forced to kill Dany? Will Dany try and take Jon out to secure her claim on the throne?

Your guess is as good as mine.