Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 6

 

Now past the midway point in the season and following an episode full of big reveals and important events: this episode felt slightly anticlimactic, but in a good way, because I for one am still bruised from the loss of Hodor… so naturally we had to pick up where we left off with Meera and Bran in the blizzard. Bran is having a series of visions that are all jumbled between the past/present/future; we catch glimpses of familiar scenes (Bran’s fall from the tower at Winterfell, the Red Wedding, the terrifying transformation of Crastor’s baby into a White Walker) along with some we know happened but haven’t witnessed from the past (King Aerys screaming "burn them all!" just before he's slain by Jamie Lannister). Poor Meera got as far away as she could but she and Bran are about to become wight-fodder, when - COLDHANDS SHOWS UP!?!?!?!? For us book readers, this is huge – Coldhands was completely left out of the show despite his rather large role in the books. Even more shocking - COLDHANDS IS UNCLE BENJEN STARK!!!! In the after-episode commentary, Weiss and Benioff explicitly use the words "Coldhands Benjen" so I'm not just speculating here. Last seen back in Episode 3 of Season 1, Benjen has been MIA north of the Wall – fake news about Benjen was how the traitorous Alliser Thorn lured Jon Snow to his death last season. We find out Uncle Benjen was nearly killed by a White Walker years ago, only to be rescued by a CotF’s magic. This is confounding for the Song of Ice and Fire fandom because GRRM has dismissed the fan theory that Benjen Stark was Coldhands - so either he was lying, or the two characters have been merged for the purposes of the show (possibly to placate fans of this theory, even if it won't be fulfilled in the books, as GRRM has indicated). Either way we learn from Benjen that Bran is now the Three Eyed Raven, and that he must master his abilities before the Night King finds them (Thanks, Captain Obvious).

Cut to sunny Horn Hill - Gilly gets to meet Sam’s family in his absolutely gorgeous ancestral home. As expected, Lady Tarly and sister Talla are lovely welcoming women, pleased to meet Sam’s “mistress” and “bastard child.” Excitingly for me, Gilly gets the finest makeover to ever happen in the history of the Seven Kingdoms for dinner. On the outset, little Sam and Gilly seem to have hit the jackpot – escaping gruesome Craster’s Keep for this Westerosi paradise!? But then we actually meet Lord Tarly. Suddenly Craster’s title as “Worst Father on the Planet” is much less secure. Lady Talla cheerfully quips to Gilly: “I think our father could learn a thing or two from your father!” which makes the audience cringe from a double whammy of circumstantial irony.

 

 

Randyl Tarly is a sneering evil fucker who despises Sam, his oldest son, because he is academic and intellectual instead of athletic and violent. He’s the Westerosi equivalent of the has-been quarterback who belittles his son for being better at computers than at football. He gleans from Gilly’s defense of her man that she’s a Wilding and cruelly berates Sam for knocking up a “Wilding Whore.” Lady Tarley checks out and chastises her asswipe husband, talking Talla and Gilly with her. Sam seems cowardly in his silent non-response, but in truth his father could easily have kicked Gilly and Lil Sam out on the street – so Sam doesn’t stand up to his father, and Gilly earns the award for best girl friend of the year for not holding it against him. She laments: "I'm angry that horrible people can treat good people that way and get away with it." Oh, Gilly- this is Game of Thrones; that was getting off easy! However, Sam gets about 10 feet towards the Citadel before reversing his entire decision to keep Gilly/Lil Sam at Horn Hill. Sam is one of 3 genuinely good people left on this show and he’s had enough of the way the world works: he steals Heartsbane (the Tarly’s ancestral Valyrian steel sword) and is off with his lady love and his adopted son, hopefully to a safe arrangement while he is in Maester school. I find it heartwarming that Sam – the schlubbiest character we know, is the guy that lands the semi-heroic romantic subplot.

Speaking of romance: Tommen finally gets to reunite with his wife, who is looking cleaner and better kept since we saw her last with Loras in the dungeons. She’s singing a different tune now: gone is the fiery “Don’t give in!”- replaced with “I was only good at appearing to be good, it wasn’t sincere!” Major laughs to Tommen’s insistence that Margaery is the best person he knows – because in his case, he might be right!  Sadly, she seems to have drunk the Sparrow’s coolaid. Tsk tsk Margaery, I had such high hopes for you.

In Braavos, Arya watches gleefully as play-Joffrey dies at his wedding – while everyone else admires Lady Crane's portrayal of Cersei. Arya knows she’s doing Cersei waaaaaaay more justice than she deserves, but feels badly that she has to kill the actress. She pours the poison into the rum anyway, but before she can make her getaway Lady Crane pulls her aside! She questions Arya about the show and her herself in a manner that makes it appear that LC may be a Faceless Man in disguise – “do you like pretending to be other people?” Arya expresses that Cersei would have ranted and raved at Joffrey’s death, not been merely depressed; they share a sweet exchange about the nature of acting/the shitty script of the play, and it seems she isn’t a spy for Jaqen. Before LC can drink the poisoned rum Arya dashes the glass on the floor - and guess who was watching in the shadows? The Waif – who reports back to Jaqen that a Girl purposely failed her mission, and the Waif is dispatched to kill her. Arya fetches Needle - effectively reclaiming her identity!!! and brings her sword back to her bedroom; blows out the candle to await her inevitable assassination in the darkness. Despite the machinations and creed of the House of Black and White – life isn’t always so clear cut, as Arya has learned. She has chosen a different path now, as Arya Stark – hopefully she survives the Waif to seek her vengeance in a more ethical way.

Back in Kingslanding, Jaime and Mace Tyrell meet up to march on the Sept.  Mace gives what he thinks is a rousing speech but literally no one cheered (Anticlimax #1). The Sparrow begins Margaery’s Walk of Shame pronouncement, and the Tyrells storm the square with Olenna in tow. Jaime charges his horse up the steps to face off with the High Sparrow, reminiscent of his former self as a fearsome warrior, and a bloody massacre seems imminent – and then it all gets thrown out the window, because Margaery has atoned for her sins already by converting the King, who is paraded out like the stooge that he is: and Jaime and Olenna know they have lost (Anticlimax #2). With the Crown under the full influence of the High Sparrow, the great houses of Westeros are up shit creek: religious zealotry will inevitably invite a new era of cleansing torture and imprisonment for any nobles who the High Sparrow deems sinful – whether they deserve it or not. At this point, a coup from Dany might actually be what’s best for the people – who knows?

 
Uncle Jaime, for his crime, is stripped of his job as a Kings Guard. He will be sent to oversee a military excursion to the Riverlands, where as it turns out: The Blackfish has taken back Riverrun. Huge news! Littlefinger wasn’t full of shit! Walder Frey is shown for an expository 5 minutes berating his sons for their military blunders. They plan to use the Red Wedding’s groom, Edmure Tully, to broker a deal.

Jaime balks at his assignment, reluctant to leave Cersei, hoping to enlist Bronn to assassinate the High Sparrow for his crimes against the Lannisters. Cersei disagrees: she wants Jaime to go and take back that “silly little castle” to keep the peace. She is unconcerned about her upcoming trial because she has FrankenMountain to represent her in combat, and clearly has a pot boiler of a scheme in the works to make their enemies suffer, horribly.

THIS MEANS WE WILL MAYBE GET A BRIENNE/JAIME REUNION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They’re both now headed for Riverrun, albeit on opposing sides of the Crown. #TeamTormund even though I hope J/B get to have a friendly exchange before falling into battle.

At the end now, Dany stops weirdly for no apparent reason to question Daario about how many ships she will need to take the Dothraki across the Narrow Sea (1000 and more – funny, isn’t that about how many ships Yara and Theon stole from Euron Greyjoy?) I stopped and rewound this part a bunch of times, looking for any visual clues as to why – in the middle of a barren mountain pass – Dany would hold up the progress of her army down to Meereen. There’s nothing – no subtle shadows indicating what was to come. Anyway, Dany rides off and the rest of the Horsemen are scratching their heads. She must have been gone for more than what is considered a comfortable time, so Daario goes to follow her - and this bitch rides back in on Drogon – who was conveniently hiding somewhere in this mountain range for Dany to spectacularly make her reappearance. She gives an epic speech reminiscent of Khal Drogo’s from Season One. She rallies the crowd, claiming she has chosen them ALL to be her Blood Riders, and they will fulfill her destiny to reclaim her throne across the sea!

This is another case of chosen identity for this episode; like Sam and Arya, Dany has decided to commit to her nature – she is a conqueror, not a ruler. As Daario said moments before, she isn’t meant to sit pretty in the high tower and reason with people – she’s meant to swoop in and take what is hers. However, unlike Sam and Arya – this isn’t an instance of embracing an ethical identity: maybe Dany isn’t the hero she believes herself to be. Can a conqueror ever be truly considered benevolent? I think she’s more like her Mad King father than she knows – it could easily have been Dany in Bran’s vision, commanding her minions to “burn them all!” instead of King Aerys.

 

Next week: Sansa already tripping over her own feet trying to out-Littlefinger Littlefinger

 

 

 

Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 5

 

Before I begin, I just want to ask for a moment of silence for Hodor, whom we lost at the end of last night’s episode. Thus brings down the tally of genuinely kind, honorable, uncorrupt characters on GoT to 3, by my estimation.

This episode, titled “The Door,” will be forever remembered for Hodor’s sacrifice. But actually a lot of important things happened in this episode that must also be remembered. We open on Sansa, whose sewing is interrupted by a letter. It turns out to be Littlefinger asking her to meet him secretly in a nearby town (instead of what I feared was yet another graphic communication from Ramsey). I’ve never been fond of Sansa, but I was proud when she confronted Littlefinger for “rescuing” her from one monster, only to hand her off to a worse one. I cheered internally when she dragged out her verbal smackdown, making him list all the ways he assumed Ramsey had hurt her. She very bravely and discreetly relays the horror of her rape, and follows that up with the threat of Brienne cleaving Baelish cleanly in two, if she desired it. But sadly, she doesn’t have Brienne cut down Baelish. Like her mother, Sansa still has some inexplicable soft spot for Littlefinger – so the fucker lives to see another day.

Thus ends my satisfaction with Sansa, and thus begins my utter incredulity: BITCH WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TURN DOWN THE ARMIES OF THE VALE!?!?!?!? Ahem. So Littlefinger offers her help via the Armies of the Vale and Sansa shoots him down, despite having lived in Winterfell under Bolton rule knowing full well she needs all the fucking help she can get. #facepalm  Baelish seems to have anticipated her reluctance to accept his help and informs her that she might seek help from her Uncle “Blackfish” Tully in the Riverlands, who has assembled an army of bannermen. Is he telling the truth? I don’t trust the sonofabitch but for Sansa and Jon’s sake, I hope so: because Sansa makes this information known in the War Room back at Castle Black, but lies when Davos and company ask her how she knew this. Later, Brienne criticizes Sansa’s choice to hide the fact that they just met with Littlefinger from Jon. Brienne knows it’s not a good jumping off point in that familial relationship, which until recently, didn’t really exist. Sansa also thinks that she can also scare up some of the other families in the North because of her Stark heritage (which Jon Snow can’t rightly claim) – we’ll find out soon enough if she’s right. Now Brienne has been tasked with riding off to the Riverlands to petition the Blackfish on Sansa’a behalf, and she really doesn’t want to leave Sansa behind because of adorable reasons. Props to whoever wrote Brienne’s take on Jon: “A bit brooding, but that’s understandable, considering…” and to whomever was responsible for filming this moment:

To sum up with Sansa: she is clearly trying very hard to play the game and be cunning and worthy of the Stark name- hence her new Wolf-embroidered dress (which Jon compliments) and her conviction in the War Room. I respect that she’s trying to foster and maintain a positive relationship with her bastard brother (she even makes him a replica of Ned’s cloak – to the best of her recollection). And I’m glad that she stood up for herself and tried to cut Littlefinger down to size – but at this point I think her truest motive is taking down Ramsey to avenge what has been done to her and to Winterfell. We all want Sansa to have her revenge, but face it: she’s no Beatrix Kiddo. I think she wants Ramsey dead more than she wants to rule the North, and if Kill Bill tells us nothing, you’re gonna have to kill a hell of a lot of people to reach the Big Bad – and I have a feeling Brienne and Pod are going to end up casualties.

The other Lady Stark, Arya, is tasked with her first post-blindness assassination: Lady Crane, a minstrel actress whose current role is none other than Cersei Lannister! CAN WE FREAKING APPRECIATE THAT IF THIS GOES TO PLAN, ARYA WILL GET TO METAPHORICALLY CROSS ANOTHER NAME OFF HER KILL LIST!?!?! Jaqen tests Arya’s assertion that she is “no one” by sending her to Lady Crane’s show, which holy shit: is a Renaissance Faire rendition of a foreign nation’s interpretation of Season One of GoT. I’m not sure what to think: either Jaquen suspects that Arya will be angry enough with the play’s buffoonish portrayal of the beheading of her father that she will have no trouble killing the actress, or it’s yet another test to prove that Arya can never actually be a Faceless Man/”no one” for the exact same reason: if she were truly no one, she wouldn’t be affected by emotionally-charged minstrel shows, right? Based on the fact that the Waif expressed earlier that Arya could never truly become a Faceless Man because of her heritage/Jaqen’s story about the slavery-based origins of the Order, I’m guessing it’s the latter. Upon explaining to Jaqen that A Girl plans to poison the Lady’s rum, she seems to feel badly about it since the actress herself seems kind and decent. How many of the rest of you feel like someone else is going to drink the rum and Arya will mistakenly kill another actor in the show? Most likely the dude with his wang out on full display who played Joffrey – it would only be fair, considering how nearly all of the other actresses who were pointlessly naked onscreen died terrible deaths in seasons past.

We break from the Starks momentarily to check in on Dany. It looks like the entire Khalasar is preparing to leave Vaes Dothrak, and Jorah makes the ultimate confession: 1. He is in love with Dany, and 2. He has Greyscale. Dany is heartbroken – she obviously doesn’t feel the same way romantically (FRIENDZONE CONFIRMED), but she does love Jorah – he’s been there for her even after two banishments, and rather than let him go off to die alone she commands him to find a cure for the disease because "When I take the seven kingdoms, I need you by my side."

Tyrion and Varys are looking for a spin doctor to help improve Dany’s favorability in Meereen, where violence has been down but so still is morale. Enter the Other Red Woman, Kinvara. As it turns out, I was right about that short scene back in episode one: The Lord of Light will have a role to play in Dany’s reign in Essos. This Priestess, Kinvara, is unlike Melisandre because according to her: Daenerys is Azor Ahai, not Jon Snow! She plans to have her preachers spread this prophecy among the populace, because as any political jockey can tell you, the best and fastest way to prop up a monarch is to show Divine favorability of their reign. Dragons with a profound ability to burn down dissidents doesn’t hurt either. Varys, as a cipher for the skeptical audience, points out with some hostility that the Red Woman they know was certain that Stannis Baratheon was Azor Ahai – and he’s dead now, so why should this Priestess be any wiser (they don’t know about Risen Snow yet, so Stannis is their most recent reference)?  Kinvara writes this off as an honest mistake by Melisandre, reassuring T and V that they serve the same Queen, and to further stick it to Varys for his lack of faith, she recalls how he became a eunuch, and implies that the Voice who spoke to the sadistic sorcerer who cut off his boy bits was none other than R’hllor. *Shudder* So either she was present when Varys was mutilated, she knew the Sorcerer, or she is actually researching her potential allies by conversing with the Lord of Light. CREEPY!

This is actually a super important sequence because it brings yet another fan theory into play: that Dany is the prophesied Azor Ahai reborn. If you Google the notion, you’ll find that the theory is quite convincing – she fits the bill more so than Jon Snow, if we’re going by the books. I personally want to see an end battle that is Jon vs. Dany, so this makes that possibility more concrete. #TeamSnow tho.

Across the sea, we witness the Kingsmoot. Yara looks to be the victor after Theon’s impassioned endorsement, until Uncle Euron Greyjoy shows up and waves his metaphorical dick around and clinches the Crown. Euron contends that he is a more befitting ruler because 1. He killed Balon, 2. Yara is a girl, 3. Theon is missing his dick, 4. He’s been around the world and will use his cosmopolitan dick to coerce a marriage with Dany (who has a savage army and dragons across the ocean), and the pair will conquer Westeros together. Despite looking like a scarier Ewan McGregor, Euron is high on my list of dudes I can’t freaking wait to see murdered. Wisely, while Euron is being drowned in order to be crowned in a (dangerous pre-CPR era) ritual, Yara, Theon, and their followers steal all the best ships from Pyke and head off in Dany’s direction, hoping to jump on her bandwagon before Euron can. Was anyone else taken aback by Euron’s foolish notion that he isn’t actually completely fucked? For one: have you seen a single tree on the Iron Islands?! Unless they can rebuild 100 ships in less than a week, there’s no way he’s beating them to Meereen. Another: the Dany I know would never consent to a marriage with Euron Greyjoy. An alliance, perhaps, which is what I could see happening with the Greyjoy siblings – but a marriage, no. I suspect this guy is supposed to represent a chaos bomb akin to the Joker in The Dark Knight, but honestly he comes off like that stupid accountant that tries to blackmail Lucius about the Batmobile – in waaaaaaaaay over his head. But this is television, so you better bet that he miraculously pulls off his plan to rebuild in time to cause conflict on the show.

Before moving on to Bran, it’s time to acknowledge that the GoT writers are continuing their feminism streak with no signs of stopping. Sansa, Dany, and Yara are all currently in leadership roles, and Arya is obviously old school in her badassery in assassin training. Another Red Priestess is calling the shots in Dany’s political makeover, and we’re now gratuitously exploiting male genitalia on the big screen – that scene was specifically thrown in to chagrin feminist GoT detractors, I suspect. I hope the trend continues, because Euron Greyjoy’s chauvinist tirade made me yearn for his death in the most schadenfreude-ian way possible.

So: Bran. Bran is greenseeing with 3ER, and we learn another hugely important historical lesson: it was the Children of the Forest who created the White Walkers thousands of years ago in an effort to defeat the First Men. Specifically, it was Leaf, who has been aiding 3ER. Obviously their monster turned on them as well as their intended victims (we know in the books that a Pact is made between the CotF and the First Men and they build the Wall to keep them trapped in the Far North). We witness the birth of the Night King through Bran’s eyes, and unfortunately we also see the Night King in real-time complete with his wight army when Bran goes back to investigate during 3ER’s nap.

I new this was coming and it STILL scared the shit out of me...

Goddammit, Bran! Now the Night King is on to them and there’s no stopping their impending doom! Meera and the CotF do their best to GTF out of the cave under the weirwood tree, but Hodor is understandably having a panic attack and won’t cooperate. Meera and friends haul ass with Bran on the cart, but it isn’t enough. 3ER is cut down, and it seems Bran can’t leave his greenscene (which is currently stuck back at Winterfell when Ned is about to ship out to the Vale for his squiring period), which is preventing him from warging into Hodor in the present, but…. we see Wylis at Winterfell in the past.  Leaf and Summer the direwolf are cut down, leaving Hodor alone to slam the door shut to the cave full of wights. With Meera pulling Bran away into the wilderness in the present, Bran tragically wargs into Wylis mid-greenscene. Appearing to his mother and others to be having a seizure of some kind, Wylis begins calling out “HOLD THE DOOR” – echoing what Bran is hearing in the present from Meera, who is begging Hodor to keep the cave door shut long enough to get Bran to safety. We now know how Hodor became “Hodor” – in an ironic twist of cruel fate, Wylis lost his mind because of Bran’s warging, leaving behind only remnants of the commandment he heard: “Hold the door.” For decades, we have unbeknownst to us been privy to Hodor’s fate: to prevent Bran’s death at the hands of the Night King.

This knowledge is HUGE: we know for sure that Bran can alter the past with his greenseeing abilities. In fact, the whole GoT time-space continuum can be altered if Bran so desired! But as 3ER said: Bran is not prepared to be his successor, so who knows what will happen now. Without mastery over his abilities Bran probably shouldn’t be missing with history, even though that would open up a whole world of possibilities.

This episode was ROUGH. Still holding out hope that Bran stumbles across infant Jon Snow in the Tower of Joy – C’MON, YOU OWE US FOR HODOR!

Next episode: showdown at Kings Landing over Margaery’s Walk of Shame.

Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 4

This episode was the first thus far of this season that I am comfortable categorizing as “excellent,” because so many people reunited and staged awesome comebacks I could barely contain my “YAS, QUEEN!”s – and I’m not just talking about Dany.

We begin at The Wall, with Jon getting ready to leave, and poor Edd sulking about it in the background. As the fates align, we have the Stark reunion we have been waiting for since Season 2, albeit from two siblings we never actually saw interact on the show, which made their embrace that much more compelling: Jon and Sansa. Yay! I for one would have loved to have seen a Jon/Arya or Jon/Bran reunion because they actually had a positive relationship growing up, whereas Sansa treated Jon  much like her one-dimensional mother did: with contempt. It’s because of this that their reunion is most poetic because after all that Jon and Sansa have suffered through separately, them seeing each other now after 3 or 4 years is like stumbling on an oasis in a desert. We also find the two in roles entirely reversed from when they left Winterfell – Jon left a powerless bastard who had to fight to show his worth, Sansa left an infatuated spoiled brat: now Jon seeks to relinquish his role as Lord Commander and avoid yet another bloody conflict, and Sansa is righteous, thirsty for a showdown with Ramsey to oust the fucker from her ancestral home.

While Jon and Sansa bond, Brienne calls out Melisandre and Davos (who were already bickering about Melisandre’s new conviction that Stannis was a false alarm because clearly Jon is Azor Ahai – tell that to Shireen!) for their support of Stannis Baratheon: and makes sure they know she was the one who cut him down. She cast some serious shade at these two, the Red Woman in particular, and I think she’s entirely justified in her disdain. It’s the first case of enemies coming together to serve a mutual purpose in this episode: now they all serve the Starks, so they must table their differences. Shout out to Tormund, who apparently has a giant-fetish because he wants Brienne and made it pretty obvious in multiple scenes.

Cut to the Vale – where Robin Arryn is gifted a fancy falcon by Uncle Petyr, making his season debut, all the while threatening Robin’s caretaker in his own house because he dared to call him out on his shit for marrying Sansa off to Ramsey. This dude knows Littlefinger’s whole shtick is backstabbery and coercion and he doesn’t for a second buy that Littlefinger was forced to let Sansa go, so I don’t know why the Lord is at all surprised when Baelish implies he should take a trip out the Moondoor, but the take away is – the armies of the Vale are now poised to rally around Cousin Sansa in the North! Hell yes! It will be interesting to see which side Baelish comes down on in the future – presumably whomever wins because he’s played any and all sides to make sure he comes out alive and on top.

Back in Meereen, Tyrion is cutting deals with the representatives from the other city-states along Slaver’s Bay to ensure they stop funding the Sons of the Harpy. You can see that Greyworm and Missandei are a few white-privileged comments away from hucking Tyrion off a high wall – they respect their Queen’s choice to appoint him as an advisor, but they can only put up with so much. I totally get their point – as much as I like Tyrion, he totally is out of his depth when it comes to slavery: seven years to do away with the practice?! He was a slave for like 4 days, he should understand that 2555 days is a horrific compromise. I don’t even think we can come away from the meeting with the Masters as meaningless lip-service – I think he truly believes he’s being diplomatic, avoiding war. As Americans we all know: it took a bloody, horrific war to quash out the practice of slavery – and almost 200 years later the descendants of slaves still have to face unequal treatment in our society. More on the possibility of war later….

Back in King’s Landing, the High Sparrow has released Margaery from her cell, and explains to her through a very drawn out monologue how he came to be a man of the Gods (mostly what I got out of it was an explanation as to why he and his followers don’t wear shoes). He then lets her see her brother, Loras, who is the Reek of Season 6. Loras is ready to crack and confess to whatever sin they suggest he committed, and to her credit Margaery is still singing the “FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME” anthem and urges Loras not to give in, because if they give in the evil Sparrows win. I never really had a positive or negative opinion of Margaery; she was an obvious opportunist and someone who clearly was capable of playing mind-games and excelling at it, but I never really cared about her fate. I’m hoping now that she hasn’t been broken by her imprisonment and that she stays true to her conviction that she isn’t a terrible enough person to have to commit a do-over of Cersei’s Walk of Shame –

- which we find out moments later from Cersei (who, with Jaime, has intruded on yet another small council meeting) is exactly what the High Sparrow is planning on doing to her. Cersei informs Kevan and Lady Olenna that if they don’t jailbreak Margaery soon, she will be forced to walk naked through the streets to atone – and even Cersei isn’t having it. Not because she cares about Margaery at all – she makes that clear to Tommen – but because it would destroy the image of superiority that a Queen should have, and in effect it would belittle the entire power structure as it stands: and no peasant is going strip any of these entitled assholes of their stature. No WAY!!! So this group of enemies makes a pact to kill the High Sparrow and his cult by enlisting the Tyrell armies to storm the Red Keep. On a serious note: even though the High Sparrow is essentially trying to pull a Daenerys here and “break the wheel” so that the everyday people of Westeros can live with dignity and relative security, and the Lannisters and the Tyrells are basically the Trumps of the Seven Kingdoms: I still have to condemn the Faith Militant and hope for fate to come out on the side of Team Lannister/Tyrell because there’s no reasoning with religious zealotry. Margaery and Tommen, given the chance, might be a fair Queen and King: better than Cersei and Robert, and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than Joffrey. At least until Dany or the White Walkers come to conquer them….

Up in the North, Ramsey very unsurprisingly kills Osha amidst her attempt to seduce him long enough to cut his throat. It almost seems as though the writers are making feminist commentary with this death – using sex to achieve your goals is soooooo Seasons 1-5 – you best use your head or else you’re going to wind up dead! RIP Osha, thanks for keeping Rickon safe so far, hope to see you in a flashback! I’d really like to see her come back as a White Walker and fuck Ramsey’s shit up, but I digress…

At The Wall, a Bolton bannerman rides to give Jon Snow (“I’m not the Lord Commander anymore,” he says sheepishly) correspondence from mad dog Ramsey, who in a letter-that-will-launch-a-thousand-memes details all the fucked up shit he’s going to do to him, Sansa, and Rickon. Sansa doesn’t shy away from the words – she snatches the letter from Jon and reads for the room about the rape and carnage that awaits the Starks and Castle Black. She gets Jon and Tormond to agree that the army of Wildings will have to march to meet Ramsey at Winterfell – how could you deny her when she drops a line like this:  "A monster has taken our home and our brother. We have to go back to Winterfell and save them both." To Jon and company this sounds like suicide, but to us it sounds like a recipe for a MOTHER FUCKING BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS because we know that Littlefinger is leading an army of men from the Vale to sack Winterfell for Sansa! Yeah, boi!!!!!!!!!!!! Hold on to your body parts, Rickon – Jon and Sansa are coming!

From that high note we plummet to the Iron Islands, where Theon has returned home to his unenthused sister, who berates him for refusing to come with her when she tried to rescue him from Ramsey a few seasons ago. She assumes he has delusions of becoming King, since he arrived home just in time for the Kingsmoot – but all Theon wants is a place to stay where he won’t have to run from vicious dogs or witness horrific rape or be tortured, so he offers to support Yara in her bid to become Queen. Theon Greyjoy serving a woman!? How the tides have turned – it’s the best possible place for him to be, joking aside. I still don’t care at all about this storyline so I’m glad we only had 4 mins of it to sit through.

Earlier we suffered through a brief glimpse in Vaes Dothrak, where Lord Friendzone and Fuckboy plot to rescue Dany from the Dothraki (and Daario finds out about Jorah’s greyscale and is surprisingly cool with it). Under cover of darkness, they bungle an attempt to go undetected and had to cave in some dude’s skull. Do we care? This is Game of Thrones – so no.

 Dany is treated well by the Head Dosh Khaleen, who says she hopes that the Khals let her live and that she will be a welcome addition. Dany attempts to seem glad to be alive to sit through another lecture but clearly can’t muster the energy – she goes to pee and takes a very young Khal widow as her bathroom chaperone, and makes small talk with her, only to be ambushed by Jorah and Daario. Dany puts these chuckleheads in their place – there’s no way they’re escaping alive – so she asks the girl to not betray her and goes off to meet her fate in the temple, where the Khals are assembled.

Just when you’ve counted Daenerys out – when her arrogance and her self-absorption leaves you numb to her troubles – this bitch BURNS A CITY TO THE GROUND and punches the witnesses in the face with feminism. In a hallelujah moment harking back to the ends of season one and season three, Dany shows the Khals that they’re small potatoes and she is a goddamn fry cook by setting fire to the temple they are all in – which Daario and Jorah have barricaded shut. Turns out Dany didn’t need to be saved – she just needed an opportunity to showcase what she excels at – using fire to wipe the slate clean and emerge victorious. As the temple burns, Dany walks out naked and unscathed like a boss – and all of the Dothraki kneel in awe.

Presumably, Dany has an army formidable enough to retake Meereen and the rest of Slaver’s Bay in the entire assembled population of Dothraki – so hopefully Tyrion’s shitty seven year compromise won’t ever have to take effect. Let’s ride high on this triumph and hope for good things for the common people/slaves of Essos.

Next Episode: Looks like a start to the Kingsmoot *snore*, but Bran gets a visit from the freaking King of the White Walkers! Hope that’s just a greenseeing vision and not the real thing!