Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 5

 

Before I begin, I just want to ask for a moment of silence for Hodor, whom we lost at the end of last night’s episode. Thus brings down the tally of genuinely kind, honorable, uncorrupt characters on GoT to 3, by my estimation.

This episode, titled “The Door,” will be forever remembered for Hodor’s sacrifice. But actually a lot of important things happened in this episode that must also be remembered. We open on Sansa, whose sewing is interrupted by a letter. It turns out to be Littlefinger asking her to meet him secretly in a nearby town (instead of what I feared was yet another graphic communication from Ramsey). I’ve never been fond of Sansa, but I was proud when she confronted Littlefinger for “rescuing” her from one monster, only to hand her off to a worse one. I cheered internally when she dragged out her verbal smackdown, making him list all the ways he assumed Ramsey had hurt her. She very bravely and discreetly relays the horror of her rape, and follows that up with the threat of Brienne cleaving Baelish cleanly in two, if she desired it. But sadly, she doesn’t have Brienne cut down Baelish. Like her mother, Sansa still has some inexplicable soft spot for Littlefinger – so the fucker lives to see another day.

Thus ends my satisfaction with Sansa, and thus begins my utter incredulity: BITCH WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TURN DOWN THE ARMIES OF THE VALE!?!?!?!? Ahem. So Littlefinger offers her help via the Armies of the Vale and Sansa shoots him down, despite having lived in Winterfell under Bolton rule knowing full well she needs all the fucking help she can get. #facepalm  Baelish seems to have anticipated her reluctance to accept his help and informs her that she might seek help from her Uncle “Blackfish” Tully in the Riverlands, who has assembled an army of bannermen. Is he telling the truth? I don’t trust the sonofabitch but for Sansa and Jon’s sake, I hope so: because Sansa makes this information known in the War Room back at Castle Black, but lies when Davos and company ask her how she knew this. Later, Brienne criticizes Sansa’s choice to hide the fact that they just met with Littlefinger from Jon. Brienne knows it’s not a good jumping off point in that familial relationship, which until recently, didn’t really exist. Sansa also thinks that she can also scare up some of the other families in the North because of her Stark heritage (which Jon Snow can’t rightly claim) – we’ll find out soon enough if she’s right. Now Brienne has been tasked with riding off to the Riverlands to petition the Blackfish on Sansa’a behalf, and she really doesn’t want to leave Sansa behind because of adorable reasons. Props to whoever wrote Brienne’s take on Jon: “A bit brooding, but that’s understandable, considering…” and to whomever was responsible for filming this moment:

To sum up with Sansa: she is clearly trying very hard to play the game and be cunning and worthy of the Stark name- hence her new Wolf-embroidered dress (which Jon compliments) and her conviction in the War Room. I respect that she’s trying to foster and maintain a positive relationship with her bastard brother (she even makes him a replica of Ned’s cloak – to the best of her recollection). And I’m glad that she stood up for herself and tried to cut Littlefinger down to size – but at this point I think her truest motive is taking down Ramsey to avenge what has been done to her and to Winterfell. We all want Sansa to have her revenge, but face it: she’s no Beatrix Kiddo. I think she wants Ramsey dead more than she wants to rule the North, and if Kill Bill tells us nothing, you’re gonna have to kill a hell of a lot of people to reach the Big Bad – and I have a feeling Brienne and Pod are going to end up casualties.

The other Lady Stark, Arya, is tasked with her first post-blindness assassination: Lady Crane, a minstrel actress whose current role is none other than Cersei Lannister! CAN WE FREAKING APPRECIATE THAT IF THIS GOES TO PLAN, ARYA WILL GET TO METAPHORICALLY CROSS ANOTHER NAME OFF HER KILL LIST!?!?! Jaqen tests Arya’s assertion that she is “no one” by sending her to Lady Crane’s show, which holy shit: is a Renaissance Faire rendition of a foreign nation’s interpretation of Season One of GoT. I’m not sure what to think: either Jaquen suspects that Arya will be angry enough with the play’s buffoonish portrayal of the beheading of her father that she will have no trouble killing the actress, or it’s yet another test to prove that Arya can never actually be a Faceless Man/”no one” for the exact same reason: if she were truly no one, she wouldn’t be affected by emotionally-charged minstrel shows, right? Based on the fact that the Waif expressed earlier that Arya could never truly become a Faceless Man because of her heritage/Jaqen’s story about the slavery-based origins of the Order, I’m guessing it’s the latter. Upon explaining to Jaqen that A Girl plans to poison the Lady’s rum, she seems to feel badly about it since the actress herself seems kind and decent. How many of the rest of you feel like someone else is going to drink the rum and Arya will mistakenly kill another actor in the show? Most likely the dude with his wang out on full display who played Joffrey – it would only be fair, considering how nearly all of the other actresses who were pointlessly naked onscreen died terrible deaths in seasons past.

We break from the Starks momentarily to check in on Dany. It looks like the entire Khalasar is preparing to leave Vaes Dothrak, and Jorah makes the ultimate confession: 1. He is in love with Dany, and 2. He has Greyscale. Dany is heartbroken – she obviously doesn’t feel the same way romantically (FRIENDZONE CONFIRMED), but she does love Jorah – he’s been there for her even after two banishments, and rather than let him go off to die alone she commands him to find a cure for the disease because "When I take the seven kingdoms, I need you by my side."

Tyrion and Varys are looking for a spin doctor to help improve Dany’s favorability in Meereen, where violence has been down but so still is morale. Enter the Other Red Woman, Kinvara. As it turns out, I was right about that short scene back in episode one: The Lord of Light will have a role to play in Dany’s reign in Essos. This Priestess, Kinvara, is unlike Melisandre because according to her: Daenerys is Azor Ahai, not Jon Snow! She plans to have her preachers spread this prophecy among the populace, because as any political jockey can tell you, the best and fastest way to prop up a monarch is to show Divine favorability of their reign. Dragons with a profound ability to burn down dissidents doesn’t hurt either. Varys, as a cipher for the skeptical audience, points out with some hostility that the Red Woman they know was certain that Stannis Baratheon was Azor Ahai – and he’s dead now, so why should this Priestess be any wiser (they don’t know about Risen Snow yet, so Stannis is their most recent reference)?  Kinvara writes this off as an honest mistake by Melisandre, reassuring T and V that they serve the same Queen, and to further stick it to Varys for his lack of faith, she recalls how he became a eunuch, and implies that the Voice who spoke to the sadistic sorcerer who cut off his boy bits was none other than R’hllor. *Shudder* So either she was present when Varys was mutilated, she knew the Sorcerer, or she is actually researching her potential allies by conversing with the Lord of Light. CREEPY!

This is actually a super important sequence because it brings yet another fan theory into play: that Dany is the prophesied Azor Ahai reborn. If you Google the notion, you’ll find that the theory is quite convincing – she fits the bill more so than Jon Snow, if we’re going by the books. I personally want to see an end battle that is Jon vs. Dany, so this makes that possibility more concrete. #TeamSnow tho.

Across the sea, we witness the Kingsmoot. Yara looks to be the victor after Theon’s impassioned endorsement, until Uncle Euron Greyjoy shows up and waves his metaphorical dick around and clinches the Crown. Euron contends that he is a more befitting ruler because 1. He killed Balon, 2. Yara is a girl, 3. Theon is missing his dick, 4. He’s been around the world and will use his cosmopolitan dick to coerce a marriage with Dany (who has a savage army and dragons across the ocean), and the pair will conquer Westeros together. Despite looking like a scarier Ewan McGregor, Euron is high on my list of dudes I can’t freaking wait to see murdered. Wisely, while Euron is being drowned in order to be crowned in a (dangerous pre-CPR era) ritual, Yara, Theon, and their followers steal all the best ships from Pyke and head off in Dany’s direction, hoping to jump on her bandwagon before Euron can. Was anyone else taken aback by Euron’s foolish notion that he isn’t actually completely fucked? For one: have you seen a single tree on the Iron Islands?! Unless they can rebuild 100 ships in less than a week, there’s no way he’s beating them to Meereen. Another: the Dany I know would never consent to a marriage with Euron Greyjoy. An alliance, perhaps, which is what I could see happening with the Greyjoy siblings – but a marriage, no. I suspect this guy is supposed to represent a chaos bomb akin to the Joker in The Dark Knight, but honestly he comes off like that stupid accountant that tries to blackmail Lucius about the Batmobile – in waaaaaaaaay over his head. But this is television, so you better bet that he miraculously pulls off his plan to rebuild in time to cause conflict on the show.

Before moving on to Bran, it’s time to acknowledge that the GoT writers are continuing their feminism streak with no signs of stopping. Sansa, Dany, and Yara are all currently in leadership roles, and Arya is obviously old school in her badassery in assassin training. Another Red Priestess is calling the shots in Dany’s political makeover, and we’re now gratuitously exploiting male genitalia on the big screen – that scene was specifically thrown in to chagrin feminist GoT detractors, I suspect. I hope the trend continues, because Euron Greyjoy’s chauvinist tirade made me yearn for his death in the most schadenfreude-ian way possible.

So: Bran. Bran is greenseeing with 3ER, and we learn another hugely important historical lesson: it was the Children of the Forest who created the White Walkers thousands of years ago in an effort to defeat the First Men. Specifically, it was Leaf, who has been aiding 3ER. Obviously their monster turned on them as well as their intended victims (we know in the books that a Pact is made between the CotF and the First Men and they build the Wall to keep them trapped in the Far North). We witness the birth of the Night King through Bran’s eyes, and unfortunately we also see the Night King in real-time complete with his wight army when Bran goes back to investigate during 3ER’s nap.

I new this was coming and it STILL scared the shit out of me...

Goddammit, Bran! Now the Night King is on to them and there’s no stopping their impending doom! Meera and the CotF do their best to GTF out of the cave under the weirwood tree, but Hodor is understandably having a panic attack and won’t cooperate. Meera and friends haul ass with Bran on the cart, but it isn’t enough. 3ER is cut down, and it seems Bran can’t leave his greenscene (which is currently stuck back at Winterfell when Ned is about to ship out to the Vale for his squiring period), which is preventing him from warging into Hodor in the present, but…. we see Wylis at Winterfell in the past.  Leaf and Summer the direwolf are cut down, leaving Hodor alone to slam the door shut to the cave full of wights. With Meera pulling Bran away into the wilderness in the present, Bran tragically wargs into Wylis mid-greenscene. Appearing to his mother and others to be having a seizure of some kind, Wylis begins calling out “HOLD THE DOOR” – echoing what Bran is hearing in the present from Meera, who is begging Hodor to keep the cave door shut long enough to get Bran to safety. We now know how Hodor became “Hodor” – in an ironic twist of cruel fate, Wylis lost his mind because of Bran’s warging, leaving behind only remnants of the commandment he heard: “Hold the door.” For decades, we have unbeknownst to us been privy to Hodor’s fate: to prevent Bran’s death at the hands of the Night King.

This knowledge is HUGE: we know for sure that Bran can alter the past with his greenseeing abilities. In fact, the whole GoT time-space continuum can be altered if Bran so desired! But as 3ER said: Bran is not prepared to be his successor, so who knows what will happen now. Without mastery over his abilities Bran probably shouldn’t be missing with history, even though that would open up a whole world of possibilities.

This episode was ROUGH. Still holding out hope that Bran stumbles across infant Jon Snow in the Tower of Joy – C’MON, YOU OWE US FOR HODOR!

Next episode: showdown at Kings Landing over Margaery’s Walk of Shame.