Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 7

 

Prologue: Now that we know Sandor Clegane is alive, there is mass hysteria on the internet about the possibility of Cleganebowl. This is a fan theory that in Cersei’s trial by combat, Franken Mountain will faceoff against none other than his brother Sandor, who will fight on behalf of the Faith Militant to get the chance to finally murder his jackass brother. I don’t see The Hound agreeing to this as it stands but I sure as shit would love to see it happen!

Props to this episode for most effective use of a cold open in recent memory! We begin in an idyllic valley, with Septon Ian McShane cheerfully leading the Westerosi equivalent of a hippie commune as they lay the foundation for a sept. Everything is bright and wholesome, which is refreshingly uncommon on Game of Thrones – so you know something awful is going to befall these people. Also suggesting a massacre to come? THE FUCKING HOUND IS ALIVE AND CHOPPING WOOD. That’s right – Arya needs to pencil The Hound back onto her kill list because he’s very much alive.

 

Turns out he was rescued by McShane’s Septon Ray a day or two after Arya left him for dead at the end of Season 4. Ray isn’t a Septon in the cruel, dogmatic vein of the High Sparrow – he earnestly admits he doesn’t know who the true gods are and curses like a sailor –he lives life as a pacifist, doing good works with his religious order. It’s sort of an out of character role for McShane, who is best known for his role as brutal pimp Al Swearengen on Deadwood, but he came across authentic and enigmatic as a former soldier who was so disgusted by his war crimes that he abandoned that life for the way of the Gods (Major LOLZ when the Hound admitted to Ray it was a she who succeeded in cutting him down- Ian McShane’s response was gold).

Ray insists that Sandor Clegane’s miraculous recovery was the will of the Gods; that there’s more they have planned for him to do. The Hound (who I would confidently label an agnostic) is reluctant to believe that; he asks Ray at one point “If the gods are real, why haven’t they punished me?” I’m sorry, what!? Having the shit kicked out of you by Brienne of Tarth, falling off a cliff, shattering your thigh, and being left for dead by your young companion wasn’t punishment!? Anyway, a trio of sleazy horsemen (who The Hound pegs as members of the Brothers Without Banners) interrupt the commune’s work, demanding horses or food as payment for “keeping the peace.” Ray offers them a seat at the dinner table but states flatly there’s nothing else for them to offer, they’re just getting by as is. A philosophical argument ensues between The Hound, who wants them to find and kill those guys because, well, THIS IS WESTEROS, and Ray, who insists killing those men won't solve any problems: "Violence is a disease," he says. "You don't cure it by spreading it to more people." Sadly, I have to agree with The Hound, whose response was: “You don’t cure it by dying, either.” Clearly, Ray’s intentions and principles are to be admired – pacifism is always the most admirable path. But this is not a land where being strongly principled is always a positive – ever heard of Ned Stark? The Hound watched Ned lose his head and knows that with respect to the vicious scum that wander the countryside, an offense is the best defense. He chops wood angrily in the forest to cope.

Cut to death cries off in the distance – turns out those sleazy fuckers didn’t even wait until nightfall to besiege the commune – just they waited until Sandor was out of frame. Here’s what I don’t understand, speaking as a human being as much as an audience member: why the fuck did the BWB assholes murder 30 something people when they could have just roughed up a few of them and took off with all the food/tools they could carry? They were simple farm folk with no weapons other than building tools, and they were anti-violence and as such unlikely to retaliate: why was it necessary to massacre them? At the very least: why not just kill their leader? The message would be the same. It feels like the answer is simply ‘because this is Game of Thrones, if there aren’t at least 4 acts of senseless violence per episode we lose our street cred!’ It bothers the shit out of me that Benioff and Weiss decided this was the only way we could spur The Hound to return to a life of violence – by brutally killing his new friends and his mentor. The Hound’s cynicism is confirmed: now he has no choice but to pick up his axe and strait up murder some dudes. Alas, Ray’s assertion that it’s never too late to stop killing, lying, and stealing, will have to be put on hold.

For the Hound, that is. Margaery is out and about as Queen again, piously studying religious texts and parroting them back to the High Sparrow: it would seem she has quit the scheming lifestyle in earnest. The High Sparrow is pleased, but scolds her for not having sex with Tommen, who had confessed to his Religious Overlord that there hadn't been  any hanky panky between King and Queen since her release from the dungeons. Can we reflect on just how pathetically teenage Tommen is in this moment? “Waaaa, High Sparrow: you let my wife go, but now she won’t have sex with me! Help a brother out!” Even more disgusting is the High Sparrow’s insistence to Margaery (who explains she’s no longer driven by “desire”) that “[sexual] congress does not require desire on the part of the wife, just patience.” This fucking creep can’t die soon enough. He also tells Margaery that her grandmother, Olenna Tyrell, is next on the chopping block to be tried for her sins.

Margaery meets with Olenna under the supervision of the evil Septa Unella. I can’t praise The Queen of Thorns enough for the onslaught of insults and threats she throws at the Septa, which Margaery knows is only making things worse. M reacts like a good little automation; towing the zealot line that Loras should repent for his sins and forfeit his title and pleads with Grandma to return home to High Garden; Olenna touchingly says she’d never abandon M. Finally, Olenna leaves after Margaery secretly jams a piece of paper into her fist. On it is a simple drawing of the Tyrell rose: which indicates to Olenna that ‘Pious Margaery’ is a fucking act and is in fact playing a long-con on the High Sparrow. I seriously hope this is the truth because I had just started to respect Margaery before her apparent conversion, I would hate for this to just be a double-cross to get Olenna out of King’s Landing for a while.

Cersei approaches Olenna with her figurative hat in her hand upon learning of her upcoming departure. She implores Olenna to stay and fight to win Margaery –and effectively Tommen – back from the Faith Militant. The following verbal smack down from Olenna was so glorious I’m seriously campaigning for a supporting actress Emmy nomination for Diana Rigg for this scene. Despite admitting that she and Cersei are on the same team with respect to the Sparrows, Olenna unleashes a torrent of hard truths on Cersei: the impending ruin of both their ancient Houses is basically all Cersei’s fault, and the only silver lining in their shared misery is the fact that Cersei has lost. She even wonders out loud if Cersei is “the worst person I've ever met.” I seriously feared for Olenna’s life because Franken-Mountain is seen lurking in the background and we all know what happens to people who speak ill of his master- even though Cersei deserves all the hate that’s thrown her way.

Speaking of showing up on people’s doorsteps, begging for help: Sansa and Jon are having a rough go of it in the North. Tormund and Jon easily convince the Wildlings to fight for Winterfell because despite not having a formal government or a cohesive culture, the Wildlings have seen the horrors that await them from north of the Wall, so they are keenly aware that if they don’t help to unite the Northern Kingdom – they’re up a creek. The Wildlings are truly Jon’s people: he may have been raised in a castle and have noble blood, but he’s a pragmatic and will-intentioned person at heart, and the Wildlings recognize that he stuck his neck out for them and DIED for his efforts. 

 

The Northern Lords aren’t so easily convinced. It struck me as odd that Jon would be so bad at asking for help from guys that we’re formerly loyal to his father – Jon was the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and knows basically how these matters work, unlike Sansa, who clearly believed that shouting “I’M A STARK SO YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME MEN FOR MY ARMY” was going to be an affective recruiting strategy. In reality, the fact that Jon had a respectable job and is an honorable man counts for shit in the Bolton-controlled North, and Sansa’s multiple marriages only makes her suspect, at least for Lyanna Mormont, the ruler of Bear Island, and the de facto winner of this episode. Lyanna apparently inherited all of the backbone in the Mormont bloodline, as is evident from our dealings with her cousin, Jorah “Friendzone” Mormont, because at age 10 Lyanna is possibly the most capable ruler in all of Westeros, and perhaps the entire world: she has NO patience for flattery. Thank the Gods that Davos has a good report with 10 year old girls and a no-nonsense negotiating style, or else the 62 men Lyanna has to spare would have stayed firmly on Bear Island.

 

Jon and Davos have resigned themselves to the fact that even though their rag-tag army is meager, they will have to march on Winterfell soon, but Sansa (speaking for us) is slightly panicked: this is a band of misfits who are already infighting: there’s no way we’re gonna oust Ramsey from Winterfell just with these guys! Jon basically shuts her down when she says she wants to approach some more Houses, so Sansa is forced to eat shit and write a letter (signed “Sansa Stark”) – presumably to Littlefinger, or the Blackfish, for their assistance.

The Blackfish isn’t any help to Sansa as it stands right now, if he is the addressee of this letter: Riverrun is now under the control of Jaime and the King’s (Lannister) army after the Frey’s failed to get traction with their empty threat to murder Edmure Tully on his front lawn. The Blackfish either called their bluff or honestly doesn’t give a shit about his nephew because his response was: So kill him!

 

Jaime and Bronn commence with witty repartee but in all honesty – it doesn’t look like there’s going to be much progress on this front. The Tully’s have enough food and such to last two years, which is a super long time politically in the Seven Kingdoms. The Blackfish meets with Jaime to basically tell him as long as he’s alive he ain’t budging, and that Jamie “Oathbreaker” Lannister is a disappointment to his reputation. Ouch. Can’t say I don’t agree with Blackfish currently – Jaime is wrapped up with Cersei again, so he’s a shadow of his charismatic self; the self that promised Catelyn Stark he would return Arya and Sansa to the Tullys (Blackfish hasn’t forgotten this: he mentions this failure so he seems like he would be an ally to Sansa if circumstances allowed), the self that rescued Brienne from the bear pit, the self that sprung Tyrion from his prison cell. What a bummer to leave Jaime on.

“Bummer” doesn’t even cover how we leave Arya though. In a super predictable turn of events, just as Arya thinks she’s successfully booked passage home to Westeros, she is Red-Wedding-style-shanked by the Waif (disguised as an old woman) on a bridge! Arya manages to fall into the water and get away in such a way that the Waif thinks she completed her assassination mission, but Arya survives – and is now wandering the streets of Braavos, bleeding out from the gut, with no one offering to help. I saw the stabbing coming but it was still shocking to see Arya – perhaps the most well-liked character in the GoT fandom – attacked so viciously. I don’t think she’s going to die – like her former companion, The Hound – Arya is a tough cookie and she has proven to be hard to kill, surviving on her own now for two seasons and against astounding odds the previous four. I have a feeling Jaqen may come to her aid again – afterall, the Waif failed in her duty: perhaps a Girl deserves to live after all.

Relax, I didn’t forget about the Greyjoys. We see them briefly in the middle of the episode, enjoying a night of debauchery somewhere before they head to Meereen because – as I assumed – they are off to make a deal with the Dragon Queen! Despite the gratuitous boobs everywhere, it was actually a kind of touching exchange between Yara and Theon. By modern standards, Yara’s ultimatum to Theon (either man up and help me, or kill yourself) is super insensitive – Theon is a victim of torture and sexual violence, it’s not like he can turn off a switch in his head and get rid of all his Reek memories, or his Shit-head Theon memories. However, Yara wasn’t being malicious – she was saying in the only way she knew how that she wants him there with her, but if he knows that he is broken beyond repair, probably the best thing would be for Theon to check out, permanently. Theirs is a cruel culture, and despite how it comes off it seems to be what Theon needed to hear to perk up a bit. Theon, The Hound, and Jon Snow are all sort of broken men, as the title of this episode states – but clearly for all three, the pieces seem to be coming back together.

Next week: A Jaime/Brienne reunion at Riverrun!!!! Hopefully that situation doesn’t screw up the Stark’s chance to retake Winterfell.