Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 3

 

Before I even get into it: Let’s all take a moment to pour one out for Lady Olenna Tyrell, the OG scheming bitch of the Seven Kingdoms, who was schooling men long before Dany and Cersei got a place on the board. I have loved Diana Rigg since I was a child (back when she was Emma Peel), and I have to say her performance has been consistently amazing on this show. I’ll miss the old bird; more on her later.

Obviously, this is the moment we have all been waiting for (nearly 2 decades if you’re a book reader like me): the convergence of the Jon and Danaerys storylines, the coming together of Ice and Fire, as Melisandre puts it (did anyone else squirm with glee at that moment? I always love when characters in a book/movie/show find an unassuming way to mention the title of the thing they’re in). Jon and Tyrion reunite on the beach at Dragonstone, which reminded me strongly of when Han Solo and Lando Calrissian meet up again in Cloud City.

Jon, Davos, and company reluctantly turn over their weapons and the Dothraki confiscate their little boat, and they begin the trek up the hill to the castle, where Davos strikes out trying to make small talk with Missandei, and there is a supremely awkward conversation about Sansa. Tyrion tells Jon that his insecurity about how unstrategic it was to come South is well founded – Starks don’t fare well in the South, historically, and were he Jon’s Hand, he would have advised against it. This is all just a set up so Jon could say “I’m not a Stark,” and then be mowed down by the passing by of a MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON (I think it was Rhaegal, and if it wasn’t that was a missed opportunity because that dragon was named after Jon’s true father, Rhaegar). Because, duh, Jon is actually a Targaryen! Not that he knows (he famously knowing nothing), but that was a not so subtle hint from the universe, amirite?

Melisandre overlooks the arrival from high up on the hill, and Varys has come to taunt her. He knows something must be amiss if she actively avoided the Northmen, since the meeting was all her idea. She admits that she “did not part on good terms” with Jon or Davos, though leaves out the part about barbecuing Shireen  - Varys already loathes her, he doesn’t need more fodder. She says she will leave for Volantis, and Varys basically threatens her life, implying if she were to return to Westors it wouldn’t be safe. She counters with this gem: “I’ll be back little spider, I have to die in this strange country. Just like you” -and then she leaves. So either she’s seen Varys’ demise in a vision, or she knows something more about him related to when his genitalia was sacrificed to a god when he was a child – the God spoke, if you believe when Varys told this story to Tyrion. Was it the Lord of Light? Either way – Varys was spooked. The only thing I know is in Volantis is Kinvara – the Red Priestess that helped spread the word that Dany is Azor Ahai throughout Slaver’s Bay. It’s likely a religious retreat for Melisandre, who insisted her days of whispering in Kings’ ears were over, but I’m not sure I believe her.

But enough about that old crone. Finally – Jon and Dany meet in the throne room. The meeting was kicked off with the 5minute long recitation of Dany’s many titles, to which Davos offers simply: “This is Jon Snow. He’s King in the North.” BAZINGA! What follows is the longest bit of uninterrupted dialogue I think has ever run on this show. It doesn’t go very well – Dany’s regal countenance seems to rub Jon entirely the wrong way, and Dany is outraged by 1)Jon’s refusal to bend the knee 2)his assertion that they’re being childish squabbling over formalities, and 3)his insistence that they need each other to survive. “I have dragons!” “THERE’S AN ARMY OF THE DEAD, WOMAN!” – it’s all cringingly frustrating because we know Dany’s navy has been obliterated before she does, and Jon knows he sound nuts talking about a spooky Night King and ice zombies.

But really, Dany and Jon are very similar in their accomplishments, as per their roles in the “Prince[ss] that was promised” prophecy. She is happy to step down from her throne and throw it in Jon’s face that, although her birthright is the Seven Kingdoms, she fucking earned that shit: she was sold, raped, beaten, lived in exile, with many nay-sayers and attempts on her life, but she always believed in herself, and now she’s here, having freed a whole continent of slaves and brought a famously water-shy ethnic group overseas.

That triggers Davos to throw it out there that Jon is just as impressive  because he has NO birthright (AAAAHHH if only they knew!)- “he’s a damn bastard who nonetheless united the Wildlings and the Northmen and was appointed King in the North because everyone up there (except Sansa) loves him, and he literally took a knife to the chest-” Jon cuts off Davos so he wouldn’t have to elaborate on his resurrection, and then Varys comes in bringing the bad news, so the Northern faction is dismissed, not quite prisoners for their open revolt stance.

 

We are shown that Theon, ever the survivor, is fished out of the sea by a few of the Ironborn, and they treat him with disgust, knowing that if Theon had made an effort to save Yara from Euron, he wouldn’t still be alive, therefore he is a coward still. I really can’t feel sorry for Theon as hard as I try, knowing he has major PTSD and saved Sansa should have redeemed him but it hasn’t. Why is he alive, really? Simply so that Jon can cross his path and berate him for being a fucking tool? It would be less cruel if he were dead, which is why GRRM is determined to keep him alive I suppose.

Euron parades Ellaria, Tyene, and Yara through the streets of King’s Landing and the common folk are thoroughly enjoying it, as is Euron who grossly admits to his niece the whole thing is “making him hard.” He stays true to his pervy Uncle shtick in the throne room as he taunts Jaime, asking vulgar questions about Cersei’s sexual proclivities. Euron reminds me of a more sexually aggressive Beetlejuice; confrontational and annoying, pure id in a sleazy leather jacket. Cersei seemingly promises to marry him once the war is won – but she’s Cersei, so who knows if she will make good on that.

I chose MAC "Fashion Tide" Lip Gloss for this murder.

We cut to the dungeons where I knew immediately she was going to kill Tyene with the same poison that was used to kill Myrcella, because Cersei was wearing pink lipstick and that woman hasn’t worn make up since season one. Her descent into sadistic madness is in free fall, this sequence goes on for a long time, taunting Ellaria Sand about Oberyn and then mandating that the lights be kept on and her victim force fed in order to witness her daughter die. I don’t really feel bad for The Sands, either, as much as I hearted Oberyn – they kind of had it coming.

Clearly Greek-tragedy style revenge is a huge turn on for Cersei (take notes, Euron!), because she throws herself at Jaime, who submits to her advances without much fuss. Her hubris leads her to answer her door in the morning half naked, Jaime in her bed. The lady in waiting (sporting Cersei’s pixie cut, which seems to be an official style for Ladies now) tells her the representative from Braavos has arrived, and gets a solid look at Jaime. I really hope this somehow bites Cersei in the ass down the line; because I’d literally rather see Littlefinger on the Iron Throne and I hate his fucking guts.

Cersei banters with Mycroft Holmes (don’t know and don’t care what that character’s actual name is), of the Iron Bank of Braavos, who has come to collect on all of the Crown’s debts. He politely calls Cersei out on her shit and brings up Dany’s dragons, and Cersei pretty convincingly argues that Dany may have dragons, but she’s a revolutionary, not a monarch – Cersei is a better bet than the Mother of Dragons, who dealt Braavos a pretty serious financial blow when she liberated the slaves in Essos. You can see her cleverness running straight to her head, and Mycroft relents after she promises to have all the debts paid off in two weeks, which seems overly ambitious, but sure, why not?

Jon is staring longingly at his ship that he can’t get to in the bay from the hill, where he is interrupted by Tyrion, who also came up to brood because the navy is gone and is upset that Jon Snow is a better brooder than he is (we know this because it’s actual dialogue and it’s amazing). Tyrion reiterates to Jon that he believes him about the Night King, but points out that it’s pretty hard for people to think in big terms like that – Cersei is a more digestible monster. If this isn’t a blatant allusion to our modern struggle with climate change denial, I don’t know what is. Anyway, Tyrion feels bad and asks Jon if he can help him with anything else, since Dany won’t be sending troops up to the Wall.

“DRAGAONGLASS!?” Dany exclaims. “Why the fuck are we talking about glass when we just lost half our fighting force?” Tyrion implores her to let the Northerners mine the dragonglass, because they didn’t even know it was there, and since it means nothing to her and everything to him – it’s a great way to forge a tentative alliance. She ultimately agrees and tells Jon she will help him mine the dragonglass, even though he still hasn’t agreed to bend the knee. There’s also a brilliant bit where Dany calls Tyrion out for trying to pass off his own thoughts as ancient wisdom – it felt almost like the “I love lamp” gag from Anchorman.

Back in the north, Sansa shows her leadership acumen by demanding higher grain stores and leather lining on metal breastplates. The whole thing seemed contrived to me; I get that she’s not supposed to be a total idiot, and I don’t think she is unintelligent, but why is she the only one thinking of this stuff? She’s been a political prisoner for much of the last 3-4 years, what the hell does she actually know about running a homestead? Catelyn was a hyper competent Lady, but Cersei wasn’t, so I guess we’re to believe she’s picking up where her mom left off, but it seemed cheesy to me. Anyway, Littlefinger is still trailing her like a puppy dog, and he launches into another Rust Cohlesque monologue about how “Everyone is your friend and enemy and all possibilities are happening at once blah blah blah” it may as well have just been the Westerosi version of “time is a flat circle.”

Which is actually a great set up for our reintroduction to BRANDON STARK, who is back in Winterfell. Sansa gets another brotherly reunion, and is eager to address the fact that as the last trueborn son of Ned, he is the Lord of Winterfell. It’s not lost on Sansa that her position as Warden of the North in Jon’s stead is basically voided by Bran’s presence – except that Bran is very clear that he will not accept that title, since he is already the Three-Eyed Raven. Bran is doing his best Dr. Manhattan, “I know all and have seen all”-dead in the eyes/voice impression during this meeting with his sister, which takes place under the Weirwood tree. He speaks cryptically of wanting to meet with Jon (Bran is the only living person that we know of that knows about Jon’s true origins), and then he basically tells Sansa he’s sorry she was married off to Ramsey and raped in their own home, which sends her running, having experienced in person the true freaky nature of talking to the 3ER.

We spend some time in the Citadel, where Jorah has made a full recovery from grey scale thanks to Sam’s intervention! Jorah is headed back to his Khaleesi, and I suspect he and Sam will play a role in uniting the monarchs they serve sometime later this season. Sam gets bitched out by the Archmaester for defying him and risking contaminating the whole city, but the old man is so impressed with the job he did Sam gets a promotion of sorts – he’s now going to be copying scrolls instead of emptying bedpans.

Back on Dragonstone, Dany expresses a desire to go the way of the dragon and unleash the full fiery fury of her children on Euron’s fleet, which the advisors veto, citing the obvious dangers. Tyrion then narrates the sacking of Casterly Rock, which is won thanks to his redesigning of the sewers back in the day to sneak prostitutes into the fortress. It’s all very anticlimactic because only a barebones unit of men were there to ‘defend the castle’- turns out this was an elaborate trick by the Lannisters, who let the Unsullied have it so they could cut down their numbers and destroy what was left of Yara and Theon’s armada.

Now Greyworm and his brethren are on the wrong side of the continent without a navy and will have to march across the land when their stores run out, Jaime Lannister explains to Lady Olenna in her room at High Garden, where the true Lannister force was when the Casterly Rock fiasco was going on. Randal Tarly did indeed turn against his liege and High Garden was taken rather quickly because, as Olenna admits, “fighting was never our forte.”

This pre-death conversation was a great capstone to a very long episode. Jaime and Olenna speak about their past failures; Jaime’s rectified with this victory after his similar defeat at the hands of Robb Stark so long ago, Olenna’s outstanding due to a “failure of imagination.” She shoots barbs about both Joffrey (“He really was a cunt”) and Cersei (“she is a disease, and I regret my part in spreading it, as will you”), whom she declares to be a monster; and the cause of Jaime’s downfall. He knows as much; so Olenna moves on to asks how she will die. Jaime is the better person of the twins, as always, so he has arranged a dignified and painless death for the old woman, and she unsentimentally drinks down that poison with a quickness. Never to be outshone or without the last laugh, Olenna leans back and tells Jaime it was she who orchestrated Joffrey’s murder. “Tell Cersei, I want her to know it was me,” are her final smug words. Jaime is understandably mindfucked and storms out of the room, with the “Rains of Castamere” playing over the end scene.

Sometimes the best deaths aren’t bloody or (physically) savage at all. RIP Olenna Tyrell - your epic shade throwing will be missed.

Next week, I think Dany is going to make good on the final advice Olenna gave her – “be a dragon” – and seek retribution for her dual defeats at Cersei’s hands.

Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 2

While last week’s opener was like a well assembled and properly oiled machine that connected many disparate narrative lines, this week’s episode – “Stormborn” – was like a runaway train, on the brink of derailment for how fast it sped through time. With the condensed season underway, I expected the show to move more quickly than it had ever before – and I’m cool with it – but some of the content seemed extraneous or ill-fitted, although overall the episode had a lot of great moments.

We open back at Dragonstone, which is besieged by a storm so fierce the story of Dany’s birth is brought up, since she was born on a day much the same. Dany, Tyrion and Varys discuss possible strategies for her conquest of Westeros, and while they agree a full-scale slaughter via dragon isn’t Plan A (“you’re not here to be Queen of the ashes”), Dany seems triggered by Varys’ professional track record of king-hopping. This whole argument feels somewhat out of place; not that it wouldn’t have happened at all, but it seems it should have happened long before they landed in Westeros. Dany points out that Varys served her father and was all too happy when he was overthrown, and he worked to usurp Robert Baratheon despite his being “neither a mad nor cruel” monarch, and she accuses him of orchestrating her assassination from way back in Season 2. Varys deflects that transgression onto Robert, and then delivers a great monologue about his tragic backstory and declares his true loyalty is to the people, not to any given despot. He basically ends by saying he does believe Dany is the best option for the well-being of the common people, and goes full Ash Ketchum, saying: “I choose you.” If Dany were a Pokémon, she’d be Charizard, right?

 

Anyway, a dark and stormy night is a perfect setting for Melisandre to make an entrance – and Dany even says as much when they are introduced. It’s great to see Melisandre’s magic necklace is working overtime, because she arrives dry and poised to meet the Mother of Dragons despite the hurricane raging outside. Varys is quick to dismiss the Red Woman as a witch who was once in the service of Stannis Baratheon, and Dany shuts down the conflict with a reminder that they had just been talking about ‘pardons’ for shady political liaisons. BURN. Melisandre comes to elaborate on the prophecy of Azor Ahai – the “Prince that was Promised,” a well-known religious tenet of the followers of R’hllor. Dany basically rolls her eyes – “Oh, so I’m the Prince that is Promised, eh?” but Missandei clarifies for all of the audience who haven’t read the books that in High Valyrian (the language in which the prophecy was recorded) – ‘Prince’ and ‘Princess’ are the same word; it has no gender, like “monarch” or “ruler.” So it could be referring to Dany – which isn’t new news if you’re an ardent GOT fanatic. But it was still exciting to have it explicitly spoken! FAN THEORY CONFIRMED! Melisandre further explains that she believes both Dany and Jon Snow, the current king in the North, are both somehow a part of the prophecy and that his success story is worth listening to, so they should meet. She conveniently leaves out any mention of the White Walkers or his resurrection at her hands – I assume we’re meant to wonder if Jon will mention that himself at a later date? Anyway, Tyrion is thrilled – he remembers Jon from the Night’s Watch and admired him greatly, so Dany concedes they should meet to discuss an alliance – as long as he agrees to bend the knee.

Cut to Winterfell, where Jon and company receive correspondence from Tryion about a possible meeting at Dragonstone. It basically says “join us in our fight against Cersei.” He concludes the invite with a phrase Jon and Tyrion exchanged privately, so that Jon would know that the letter is legit. Of course, they still think it’s a trap – but Davos points out, dragons make fire, and fire is kryptonite to wights, so they’d be a good ally to have in theory.

Speaking of allies, Cersei is trying to drum up some at King’s Landing because as Tyrion knows – everyone hates her fucking guts. She’s entertaining bannermen from families that serve and are otherwise loyal to Olenna Tyrell, who we know is in open revolt against the Lannister regency. She has taken note from the Despot Handbook – which is well known to fascists and tyrants here on Earth; see “Hitler” and “Lenin” and “Trump” – and appeals to their xenophobia, saying that the Mad King’s daughter rides with filthy Dothraki and soulless Unsullied, who will rape and pillage their communities and she will slaughter the nobles as she did in Mereen. Sam’s shitty father, Randal Tarly, is present, and asks the $64,000 question: “How are you going to beat the dragons?”

Qyburn smirks and basically just says “We’re working on it.” (More on this later)

The men are dismissed, and Jaime walks with Lord Tarly and pleads with him to switch to Team Lannister because he’s a competent general and they want him for his talents. He lays on the xenophobic rhetoric thick, but it’s not quite clear if Tarly (who is a loyal bannerman, despite being a shitty parent) has flipped. He probably has, or why else would this scene have been necessary?

We cut to Sam and the Archmaester, who are treating Jorah at the Citadel. The prognosis is bad – he may live for another 10 years, but he’ll be mad as a hatter within 6 months, Archmaester says. He’ll have to banish him to Old Valyria to live out his days with the other Stone Men, but because he was once a Westerosi knight, he can stay one more evening to kiss comfort and kindness goodbye. Sam asks if Jorah needs to contact any of his family, and it comes out that Jorah is Joer Mormont’s son – whom Sam used to serve in the Night’s Watch.

Cersei and Qyburn reminisce in the tunnels under the castle about the dragon skulls that used to decorate the throne room – Robert had them moved under here because it would have seemed petty to keep them on display after his successful rebellion, but he was proud of his victory so he couldn’t get rid of them. And why would you – these things are so fucking badass! Balerion’s (the dragon of the first Targaryen conqueror) skull is the size of an elephant, and Qyburn unveils a large spear-firing weapon and shoots an iron projectile right between its eyes. I guess this is satisfying enough to Cersei, and by extension for we the audience. After all – if Smaug could be felled in such a way, surely Drogon and his siblings can too? I’m already dreading the inevitable death of a dragon.

 

The war council of Daenerys Targaryen is underway now that the storm has lifted, and it was quite the welcome spectacle. The only penis in this room belongs to Tryion (literally – Varys, Greyworm, and Theon have all been fully castrated), and it was possible the for first time on television we had a large-scale war being plotted exclusively by female power players. Yara Greyjoy and Ellaria Sand are for a siege on King’s Landing; Dany and Tyrion not so much. Olenna Tyrell all but quotes Machiavelli; telling Dany that it’s better to have the Westerosi fear her than love her – the city must be sacked.

WHO RUNS THE WORLD!?

 

Tyrion pushes forward his strategy to attack on two fronts: King’s Landing should be surrounded and starved out by the Dornish and the Tyrells because he very aptly predicts Cersei’s racist rhetoric. The people of the Capital will find it less shameful to submit to their fellow countrymen than to a horde of foreign conquerors, surely. Meanwhile, the Dothraki and the Unsullied will hit Casterly Rock, fully fucking with the Lannister’s shit by sacking their home turf. It is agreed that the Ironborn ships will ferry the Dornish army to their destination, and then Dany is alone with Olenna – the longest surviving player on their chessboard.

Dany tells Olenna she knows that she’s only at Dany’s table because she fucking hates Cersei, but she hopes to win her respect in earnest. Olenna cuts through the bullshit and tells Dany that the reason she has outlived everyone else is because she doesn’t follow the advice of men; that Lords are all sheep and men are not to be trusted. She tells Dany that she is a dragon, and she should behave as such. It will be interesting to see which side of the conflict Dany comes out on the side of – clearly she is struggling to maintain her decency and earn her legitimacy as a merciful and righteous Queen. She’s going to have to get her hands dirty again to win, probably, but seems reticent to commit, despite all the advice she’s being given.

We have the obligatory sex scene in which Greyworm confesses his love to Missandei, and though we didn’t get to see the eunuch’s lack of junk – it seems his mouth is well prepared to make up for it.

Naturally, now that we had a genuinely tender love scene we must cut to something boring AF, so Sam is following the Archamaester around the library, asking about possible greyscale treatments, bringing up Shireen Baratheon’s recovery from it. The old man dismisses any hope of a cure, babbling on about his current passion project, a modern history he calls “A Chronicle of the Wars Following the Death of King Robert the First,” which is meant to be a joke on his earlier assertion that if you want people to read your stuff, it has to have a certain amount of flair, which clearly this title does not. But you know what would be a good title?!?!?!? This gives credence to another fan theory, which is that this whole show is a chronicle of events as being written or told by an Old Sam Tarly, much in the same way “There and Back Again” was the book written by Bilbo Baggins, that we know as “The Hobbit.” If the show ends on a shot of a book titled “A Game of Thrones” written by Maester Tarly – I won’t be surprised. Anyway, Sam decides to try and help Jorah in secret anyway out of a sense of gratitude to Joer Mormont. The remedy seems to be getting drunk on rum to withstand the horrific pain of peeling off a layer of scales to be doused with an ointment, and this sets up one of the more clever and gross cut-to’s in cinematic history – jumping from Jorah’s inflicted skin to a meatpie that Arya is cutting up at an Inn which employs none other than her old pal HOT PIE!!!!!

This reunion is full of cute banter – Hot Pie recognizes ‘Arry’ immediately and they catch up. There is a hilarious reference to her Sweeny Todd- foray into pie making, and he mentions that Lady Brienne had been looking for her (“She found me.”) The brilliance of this exchange is that all of it is predicated on our past knowledge of Arya’s sordid travels, which she doesn’t at all elaborate on, but we know as loyal fans. Hot Pie has one tidbit of info that Arya doesn’t, however – that the Bolton’s are exterminated and Jon Snow is now King in the North – so why is she headed for King’s Landing? You can see the deadness fade in Arya’s eyes as she decides to change course (putting her kill list on hold) to return home. Maisie Williams’ acting is superb here – she barely even has to speak, her face says it all.

In the meantime, Sam has sent Jon a raven with the knowledge he obtained in the forbidden section of the library about the dragonglass under Dragonstone. This finalizes Jon’s decision to ride south to meet Danaerys, which literally NO ONE in the North supports. Honestly –I get where they are coming from. Jon has done nothing but hammer home the fact that Winter Is Here and the Army of the Dead is coming for them all – how could he leave when his leadership is so needed? How could he even entertain an alliance with Targaryens and Lannisters? These people are in for a rude awakening when they find out Jon himself is a Targaryen, whew boy. He speaks from the heart to them all that if they are to outlive the coming war, they need bodies and allies and Dany has offered this; she alone can get them the weapons they need to win, and as a Queen she must be addressed by a King – and he reminds them that they declared him as such, he never sought out this title. He leaves Sansa as Warden of the North, which is fair. She is after all the only true Stark in Winterfell at the moment.

Jon says his farewells to Ned’s grave in the catacombs under the castle (a popular destination for conversation, apparently) and Littlefinger slithers his way down to chat, unwelcomed. Jon tells him to get the fuck out, basically, and Littlefinger rubs in the fact that if it weren’t for his swooping in at the last minute with the Knights of the Vale, Jon wouldn’t be alive, much less King.

This was the wrong button to push – Jon uncharacteristically lashes out and chokes Littlefinger. Ah shit, Ned pulled the same move against Littlefinger in the Capital and we all know how that turned out!

Oh, how I yearned for Jon to end his miserable scheming life then – but Jon is a goody two shoes like his ‘father,’ so all we get is a “touch my sister and I’ll kill you myself!” and then he stomps off to leave for Dragonstone. Undoubtedly, now that Jon is openly hostile towards him, Littlefinger will be working overtime to woo Sansa. He’ll be pouring poison in her foolhardy ears, encouraging her to make poor decisions. Make no mistake folks – it’s not a question of ‘if’ Sansa is going to fuck things up: it’s a matter of ‘when.’ My guess is she will attempt to force out Jon and declare herself Queen of the North before he can return with reinforcements.  I appreciate that Sansa has been abused and manipulated and her ire is understandable, but like Cersei Lannister, her mistreatment has caused her to feel entitled to retribution, and entitled prideful behavior from a slighted noblewoman has proven lethal as of late (see: obliteration of the Sept of Baelor).

Allow me to divert attention to something unaddressed by this episode: WHY THE FUCK HASN’T BRAN BEEN BROUGHT DOWN TO WINTERFELL!? We see ravens delivering messages across thousands of miles in a matter of days, but Bran is at Castle Black unannounced to his Stark brethren a day’s ride away? What gives? Has he requested to remain anonymous for the time being at the Wall? If so, why? Why hasn’t word of his arrival spread to Winterfell yet? It’s very suspicious to me.

Back to the story at hand, we see Arya in the woods en route to Winterfell. I have been jonesing for a Jon/Arya reunion for 7 seasons now, but what we got here was almost as satisfying: NYMERIA THE DIREWOLF RETURNS!!! Arya is surrounded by a pack of wolves, who are coincidentally led by Arya’s beloved pet. They recognize each other, and Arya asks the wolf to return to Winterfell with her, to be a family again. Nymeria anticlimactically turns around and leaves with her pack. Arya seems crushed at first, but then whispers “that’s not you” – a play on when she told her father “that’s not me” when he regaled her of the fancy life she would lead as a great Lady and wife. She accepts that Nymeria has forged a life of her own, much like herself – and it would be foolish to think she’d give it up to be a pet again. If Arya and Sansa reunite – Arya will likely have to make it clear that she will be no pawn in the game of thrones. Oh please oh please – let Arya kill Littlefinger! It would be so sweet.

 

Meanwhile, “a foreign invasion is underway” on Yara and Theon’s ship, taking the prize for the lamest ever scripted line to be uttered on this show. The writers must really hate the Dorne subplot because The Sands get the worst parts of the script, always coming off buffoonish or oversexed, or both. Yara and Ellaria’s hook up is interrupted by an attack by Uncle Euron, who is here to collect Cersei’s gift. The following battle sequence was a swashbuckling good time, and Euron’s attack proves fatal for Dany’s naval mission. The Sand Snakes are slaughtered, and he breaks Theon yet again during his capture of Yara. I felt particularly bad for Yara as Theon relapsed into Reek tactics and literally jumped ship, leaving her to be tortured and raped by her Uncle’s men. I doubt Theon could have bested Euron in a fight – but Theon’s PTSD moment ensured his sister’s doom. I feel validated that Theon can never truly be redeemed, even as he rescued Sansa, even as Jamie Lannister and The Hound seem to have ennobled themselves after dastardly deeds. Theon never had honor or bravery as a foundation to fall back on, unlike the aforementioned men. This was bound to happen, but it was sad nonetheless. Theon seems to be the lone survivor of the assault; Ellaria Sand and Yara likely imprisoned to be presented to Cersei next episode.

Euron: Westeros' Creepiest Uncle

The coming attractions for next week show Jon and Davos in Dany’s throne room – I’m positively ecstatic about their meeting; and I’m desperately hoping for Melisandre and Davos to cross paths again so they can have an ugly verbal altercation. I’m also crossing my fingers that Dany’s siege of Casterly Rock is a forthcoming success in light of her naval defeat.

Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 1

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Now that that's out of my system: the episode may have been titled "Dragonstone" - but this masterpiece belongs to Arya Stark. Without a doubt, the cold open of this episode is one of the best season openers for any show ever recorded. It beings with "Walder Frey," who is hosting an uncharacteristically generous feast for his men - and so soon after the feast he threw for the reacquisition of Riverrun! Those of us in the know (which should have been any person who watched the finale last season) were immediately aware, of course, that this was not actually Walder Frey, but Arya Stark wearing his miserable face. She tells the men who carried out the Red Wedding that they all deserve a cup of the finest wine (but not his child-bride - can't waste good wine on a stupid woman! She really sells the performance - all that time spent with the acting troupe last season paid off), and it's deliciously obvious that the wine has been poisoned, and then they all die. Arya orchestrated an act of vengeance so Greek-tragedy in it's DNA all I could do was cheer and squeal with delight at a massacre - that's what Game of Thrones does to people. She executes a face mask pull off that would put Ethan Hunt to shame and tells Lady Frey to spread the word: "Tell them that winter came for House Frey." GOOSEBUMPS!!! Seriously though: the face thing is a full on rip-off (pun intended) of the maneuver made famous by Mission: Impossible, and I think she does it way better than Tom Cruise ever did:

We leave the Riverlands for a barren winterscape, which shows the Army of the Dead literally bringing the storm with them as they approach the wall - and we see that not only are there White Walkers and wights, but zombie fucking giants too - at least three! I'm not sure if that one in the forefront was supposed to be WunWun (Jon and company would have burned him along with the other dead, surely??) but he was missing as eye... perhaps that's a pretty common way for a giant to go? This ominous march is actually a vision of Bran's (and later, the Hound's), who has finally reached the Wall with Meera Reed. Good ol' Ed greets them there, and Bran rattles off some facts that no mere Wildling could know about Ed to convince him to let them in (although I'm not sure why spooky psychic facts would necessarily mean Bran was telling the truth about his identity or anything else, but, woo hoo! FUTURE STARK REUNION IS NIGH!).

Speaking of the Starks, Jon and Sansa are making tough decisions at Winterfell. Jon wants all able bodied men, women, and children out looking for dragonglass, a proven weapon against the forces of darkness. He informs the room full of mostly dudes that they can't save the North if only half the population is fighting - that means the ladies must learn to fight too. This leads to an exchange between Lyanna Mormont and Lord Glover who balked at 'having to put a sword in my granddaughter's hand' and I still want to be her when I grow up. #wokeNorth.

It's decided that the Wildings will occupy all the castles and fortresses along the Wall to lookout for the White Walkers, which is smart because now they won't be brushing up against the Westerosi Northmen drudging up old prejudices. The topic of what punishment should be enforced against Houses Umber and Karstark is brought up, and Sansa does an excellent job of making Jon seem like a bitch. She insists, loudly and forcefully that they are traitorous houses who served Ramsey and deserve to be stripped of their lands and titles, and the properties should be redistributed to loyal houses - which does seem fair to me. Were the situation with the White Walkers not eminent, I think this would have been the way to go. However - Jon knows that be punishing the Umbers/Karstarks for the sins of one generation would be shooting himself in the foot later on, breeding resentment. Think of our own Northern mistakes post-Civil War: the descendants of the defeated from that war are still bitter about the loss, aren't they? and that came back to bite us in the ass in a big way during Election 2016... but it's easy to see why she feels this way. Sansa was trained in leadership by Cersei Lannister and Littlefinger; Jon in the schools of Joer Mormont and Ned Stark, who preached unity and forgiveness and respect.

"Dafuk did you just say!?"

The King of the North makes the new leaders of these houses - child Ned Umber and teen Alys Karstark - bend a knee, and it seems he has won the day and the respect of his subjects. Brother and sister bicker on the ramparts - Sansa is a Machiavellian and Jon is a believer in transparency and mercy in leadership and their opposing philosophies are clearly going to be the undoing of the unity of the North. At one point he snaps "Do you think I'm Joffrey?" at her - muzzling her ire a bit. She has to admit he's an actual true leader, unlike her once betrothed, but he needs to grow a pair, basically. Jon quips that their father used to say "everything that comes before 'but' is horseshit" - definite words to live by. She reminds him that both Ned and Robb lost their heads, and he should be eager to keep his. "How," he responds "by listening to you?" They receive a raven from Queen Cersei, demanding Jon come to King's Landing and bend the knee or face certain death. The argument turns to which the greater threat is - the Army of the Dead, or the Lannisters. Jon, having witnessed the full horror that is the White Walkers, is ready to brush off Cersei - but Sansa has lived with that bitch and she is quick to point out that right now there is a massive Wall protecting the living from the Dead - no such thing exists from the armies of the South. She knows Cersei has murdered every single person who has crossed her, and she'll come for Jon and Sansa too - the threat is real.

We know it's real because Cersei is having the whole of Westeros painted on her floor, a handy narrative device so she can provide we the audience with an exposition dump as she speaks to Jaime, who she accuses of having been 'quiet' since he returned home from the Riverlands. Gee, bitch - you murdered a fifth of the population of the city and caused our youngest son to turn King's Landing into a pun - ya think!? Her monologue is great though - "brood of bitches" to the South in the Sands, "that old cunt Olenna Tyrell" to the West, long standing enemies to the North. Jaime is right in that the Lannisters are shaping up to be the losing side - especially since now all of the Freys are dead (although they are apparently unaware that Arya was responsible for that).

"You killed our baby boy" "He betrayed us" #SORRYNOTSORRY

Enter Euron Greyjoy and the non-Yara/Theon faction of the Ironborn. For an archipelago that has literally no forests they sure built up an impressive armada for their invitation to King's Landing! Euron presents himself as a playboy in the vein of Jack Sparrow (sans-feminine affectations), seeking Cersei's hand in marriage. Jaime is dismissive and smug, recalling that Euron started a rebellion and picked a fight with the Lannisters ages ago that he lost. Ever the suave salesman, Euron flips the script and basically thanks them for defeating him, because had he not been defeated he wouldn't have gone into exile and become the world's greatest pirate. Cersei turns down the offer - he is an opportunistic brother-murderer, after all. He smiles and tells her she should try killing a brother - it's a wonderful feeling (it's not like she hasn't tried - Tyrion escaped before she could execute him for regicide). He also promises to change her mind, and that he wouldn't return to King's Landing without the perfect gift for her, and he leaves. I'm guessing he means Tyrion - who is known to still be alive and in the service of Danaerys Targaryen, who acquired the allegiance of his niece and nephew at the end of last season. But who knows? We shall find out.

Shakespeare In Love + Peter Bishop = Euron Greyjoy

We switch gears at Oldtown, where a montage of monotony provides comedic relief as we watch Sam Tarly wash out bed pans, deliver meals, and reshelve books for what felt like 36 years, gagging and near puking for nearly all of it. Poor Sam wants to really learn things so as to help defeat the White Walkers - but he's the low man on the totem pole here and he has to pay his dues. He complains to a Grand Maester during an autopsy about the situation. Grand Maester is played by the ever-excellent Jim Broadbent, and he admits to Sam that he believes his tale and sympathizes with him, but explains that their role in Oldtown is unlike any other Westeros person, as they serve as "the world's memory." In a monologue that feels like he's speaking directly to us Americans who are seriously nervous that the reign of POTUS 45 will be the death of civilization, Grand Maester tells Sam that the people have suspected that the end was nigh on many occasions - "every winter has ended" - the world kept on spinning; people survived, life continued. It was meant to be comforting, perhaps - but knowing what we do, it didn't feel that way, did it? From a historical perspective, it's relevant to note that the existence of Oldtown and the preservation of knowledge would have been rather helpful if an equivalent city had existed during the Roman Empire. Dearth of knowledge is what brought about the Dark Ages after the Empire collapsed, and it took roughly 1000 years to reach the point of the Renaissance, when science/navigation/democratic ideals etc. vastly improved the quality of life across Europe, eventually resulting in the world we live in today. The accumulation, preservation of, and dissemination of knowledge is what ultimately drives civilization - aka EDUCATION - a lesson we should take to heart.

Back at Winterfell, Brienne of Tarth is kicking Pod's ass. He's lucky he has that magic penis thing going for him because he's not much of a swordsman. Tormund is still publically lusting after her. Truly, even as it comes across as unfeminist: I wish someone gaped at me the way he gapes at her. Sansa observes her protector from a high perch, where Littlefinger has slithered up to whisper poison in her ear. "You have everything you could have hoped for up here," he says. "So why aren't you happy?" For now, she dismisses him, sick-ass burn at the ready: "No need for the last word, Lord Baelish - I'll assume it was something clever" and he slinks away as Brienne muscles her way to her Lady's side. But you can tell - Sansa is bitter that Jon has emerged as the Stark leader. We know she's kind of right - he's a secret Targaryen, after all. She suffers now from the same sickness Cersei does - a lifetime of being treated like a thing to be bought and sold, never to be taken seriously. If only she knew - that's a hubris-laced recipe for disaster.

Back to Arya, who is traveling south, crosses paths with none other than ED FUCKING SHEERAN, who is singing a ballad to his unit of Lannister soldiers off the side of the highway. They invite her to dine with them, and I didn't know who to be more nervous for - her, as an unaccompanied young woman in a hostile medieval land (let's face it - she may as well have 'gang rape me' painted on her saddlebag), or the young men, who have literally no idea that they have invited a once-Faceless Girl and current mass murderer to their hearth.

Ed Sheeran and The-Assassin-Formerly-Known-As-No One

They turn out to be decent men, with relatable problems and kind hearts, despite the colors and flags they carry. They ask Arya where she is headed (King's Landing) and they complain about her destination much like people often complain of NYC - it's a literal shithole! Hahahahaha. They ask her why. "I'm going to kill the Queen," she answers. They laugh at her 'joke.' But I swear, even though the prophecy has ruled it out - it would be orgasmically satisfying to see Arya cross Cersei off her Kill List, more so than when Beatrix finally got to kill Bill. Or is it ruled out? What if Arya kills Jaime, steals his face, and then strangles her at the very end!? If it happens that way (probably not) - you heard it here first!

Arya's former partner, the Hound, is in familiar territory - he and the Brotherhood without Banners stop to rest at a place he and Arya stayed before he was felled by Brienne back in Season 4. You know, the place where he fucked up the kindly farmer and left him and his daughter to die before winter? Well, their skeletons are in the corner of the house, and he's clearly feeling the guilt as a man with a new-found conscience. He asks Beric Dondarion why he of all people - a boring man with no real accomplishments - has been chosen by the Red God for multiple resurrections. Beric doesn't know - and Thoros demands Sandor stare into the fire to answer the cosmic questions that plague him. "My luck I end up with fire worshippers," he grumbles - but when he really looks at the fire, he apparently sees what Bran saw - the Army of the dead, marching towards the Wall of ice. The Red God is undoubtedly the foe of the Dead - lucky for our protagonists. The Hound buries the people he indirectly killed as part of his atonement - do we really need more convincing of his redemption? I don't, but I guess he does.

Cut back to Sam, who smuggles some off-limits books to study as he visits Gilly and Lil Sam in town. He has a lightbulb moment when he learns that Dragonstone  (likely a volcanic island) is basically a dragonglass gold mine - he must get word to Jon! We also get a glimpse in the book he's reading of a drawing of the Catspaw blade: the very knife that was used in the attempt on Bran Stark's life that got Tyrion imprisoned for murder the first time around. That's a heavy hint that it will inevitably crop up again at some point.

But first he must continue to drudge as he picks up the lunch bowls of the afflicted who are in treatment in Oldtown - one of whom is none other  than JORAH FUCKING MORMONT - whose grey-scale afflicted arm shoots out to snatch at Sam to ask if Dany has landed at Westeros yet. Sam says not that he's aware, but that's waaaaaaay on the other side of the continent, so word hasn't gotten to him yet that....

.....Dany and company have reached her ancestral home of Dragonstone! The entire sequence is wordless and without music accompaniment to drive home the gravity of this moment for the heroine and for the story as a whole. She has been seeking this moment her entire life - to return to the place of her birth - and it has finally happened. We should recall this as the place that Stannis Baratheon once called his - this is where Davos set Gendry free from, where Melisandre did most of her plotting for the failed would-be king. He abandoned the castle in his attempt for the throne - Dany casually yanks down the Baratheon banner in the hall and roams freely about the house that is rightfully hers. She and Tyrion wind up in the war room, where Stannis' table of Westeros and all it's little wooden players sits collecting dust. The episode ends with her saying the perfectly meta: "Shall we begin?"

I can honestly say - after a over a year of anticipation, this opener killed it. It was better than I could have hoped for. Next episode suggests a possible reunion between Arya and Nymeria the direwolf - if it happens I think my nervous system will shut down from the ecstatic fit I will have. Thanks for checking in!