Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 2

While last week’s opener was like a well assembled and properly oiled machine that connected many disparate narrative lines, this week’s episode – “Stormborn” – was like a runaway train, on the brink of derailment for how fast it sped through time. With the condensed season underway, I expected the show to move more quickly than it had ever before – and I’m cool with it – but some of the content seemed extraneous or ill-fitted, although overall the episode had a lot of great moments.

We open back at Dragonstone, which is besieged by a storm so fierce the story of Dany’s birth is brought up, since she was born on a day much the same. Dany, Tyrion and Varys discuss possible strategies for her conquest of Westeros, and while they agree a full-scale slaughter via dragon isn’t Plan A (“you’re not here to be Queen of the ashes”), Dany seems triggered by Varys’ professional track record of king-hopping. This whole argument feels somewhat out of place; not that it wouldn’t have happened at all, but it seems it should have happened long before they landed in Westeros. Dany points out that Varys served her father and was all too happy when he was overthrown, and he worked to usurp Robert Baratheon despite his being “neither a mad nor cruel” monarch, and she accuses him of orchestrating her assassination from way back in Season 2. Varys deflects that transgression onto Robert, and then delivers a great monologue about his tragic backstory and declares his true loyalty is to the people, not to any given despot. He basically ends by saying he does believe Dany is the best option for the well-being of the common people, and goes full Ash Ketchum, saying: “I choose you.” If Dany were a Pokémon, she’d be Charizard, right?

 

Anyway, a dark and stormy night is a perfect setting for Melisandre to make an entrance – and Dany even says as much when they are introduced. It’s great to see Melisandre’s magic necklace is working overtime, because she arrives dry and poised to meet the Mother of Dragons despite the hurricane raging outside. Varys is quick to dismiss the Red Woman as a witch who was once in the service of Stannis Baratheon, and Dany shuts down the conflict with a reminder that they had just been talking about ‘pardons’ for shady political liaisons. BURN. Melisandre comes to elaborate on the prophecy of Azor Ahai – the “Prince that was Promised,” a well-known religious tenet of the followers of R’hllor. Dany basically rolls her eyes – “Oh, so I’m the Prince that is Promised, eh?” but Missandei clarifies for all of the audience who haven’t read the books that in High Valyrian (the language in which the prophecy was recorded) – ‘Prince’ and ‘Princess’ are the same word; it has no gender, like “monarch” or “ruler.” So it could be referring to Dany – which isn’t new news if you’re an ardent GOT fanatic. But it was still exciting to have it explicitly spoken! FAN THEORY CONFIRMED! Melisandre further explains that she believes both Dany and Jon Snow, the current king in the North, are both somehow a part of the prophecy and that his success story is worth listening to, so they should meet. She conveniently leaves out any mention of the White Walkers or his resurrection at her hands – I assume we’re meant to wonder if Jon will mention that himself at a later date? Anyway, Tyrion is thrilled – he remembers Jon from the Night’s Watch and admired him greatly, so Dany concedes they should meet to discuss an alliance – as long as he agrees to bend the knee.

Cut to Winterfell, where Jon and company receive correspondence from Tryion about a possible meeting at Dragonstone. It basically says “join us in our fight against Cersei.” He concludes the invite with a phrase Jon and Tyrion exchanged privately, so that Jon would know that the letter is legit. Of course, they still think it’s a trap – but Davos points out, dragons make fire, and fire is kryptonite to wights, so they’d be a good ally to have in theory.

Speaking of allies, Cersei is trying to drum up some at King’s Landing because as Tyrion knows – everyone hates her fucking guts. She’s entertaining bannermen from families that serve and are otherwise loyal to Olenna Tyrell, who we know is in open revolt against the Lannister regency. She has taken note from the Despot Handbook – which is well known to fascists and tyrants here on Earth; see “Hitler” and “Lenin” and “Trump” – and appeals to their xenophobia, saying that the Mad King’s daughter rides with filthy Dothraki and soulless Unsullied, who will rape and pillage their communities and she will slaughter the nobles as she did in Mereen. Sam’s shitty father, Randal Tarly, is present, and asks the $64,000 question: “How are you going to beat the dragons?”

Qyburn smirks and basically just says “We’re working on it.” (More on this later)

The men are dismissed, and Jaime walks with Lord Tarly and pleads with him to switch to Team Lannister because he’s a competent general and they want him for his talents. He lays on the xenophobic rhetoric thick, but it’s not quite clear if Tarly (who is a loyal bannerman, despite being a shitty parent) has flipped. He probably has, or why else would this scene have been necessary?

We cut to Sam and the Archmaester, who are treating Jorah at the Citadel. The prognosis is bad – he may live for another 10 years, but he’ll be mad as a hatter within 6 months, Archmaester says. He’ll have to banish him to Old Valyria to live out his days with the other Stone Men, but because he was once a Westerosi knight, he can stay one more evening to kiss comfort and kindness goodbye. Sam asks if Jorah needs to contact any of his family, and it comes out that Jorah is Joer Mormont’s son – whom Sam used to serve in the Night’s Watch.

Cersei and Qyburn reminisce in the tunnels under the castle about the dragon skulls that used to decorate the throne room – Robert had them moved under here because it would have seemed petty to keep them on display after his successful rebellion, but he was proud of his victory so he couldn’t get rid of them. And why would you – these things are so fucking badass! Balerion’s (the dragon of the first Targaryen conqueror) skull is the size of an elephant, and Qyburn unveils a large spear-firing weapon and shoots an iron projectile right between its eyes. I guess this is satisfying enough to Cersei, and by extension for we the audience. After all – if Smaug could be felled in such a way, surely Drogon and his siblings can too? I’m already dreading the inevitable death of a dragon.

 

The war council of Daenerys Targaryen is underway now that the storm has lifted, and it was quite the welcome spectacle. The only penis in this room belongs to Tryion (literally – Varys, Greyworm, and Theon have all been fully castrated), and it was possible the for first time on television we had a large-scale war being plotted exclusively by female power players. Yara Greyjoy and Ellaria Sand are for a siege on King’s Landing; Dany and Tyrion not so much. Olenna Tyrell all but quotes Machiavelli; telling Dany that it’s better to have the Westerosi fear her than love her – the city must be sacked.

WHO RUNS THE WORLD!?

 

Tyrion pushes forward his strategy to attack on two fronts: King’s Landing should be surrounded and starved out by the Dornish and the Tyrells because he very aptly predicts Cersei’s racist rhetoric. The people of the Capital will find it less shameful to submit to their fellow countrymen than to a horde of foreign conquerors, surely. Meanwhile, the Dothraki and the Unsullied will hit Casterly Rock, fully fucking with the Lannister’s shit by sacking their home turf. It is agreed that the Ironborn ships will ferry the Dornish army to their destination, and then Dany is alone with Olenna – the longest surviving player on their chessboard.

Dany tells Olenna she knows that she’s only at Dany’s table because she fucking hates Cersei, but she hopes to win her respect in earnest. Olenna cuts through the bullshit and tells Dany that the reason she has outlived everyone else is because she doesn’t follow the advice of men; that Lords are all sheep and men are not to be trusted. She tells Dany that she is a dragon, and she should behave as such. It will be interesting to see which side of the conflict Dany comes out on the side of – clearly she is struggling to maintain her decency and earn her legitimacy as a merciful and righteous Queen. She’s going to have to get her hands dirty again to win, probably, but seems reticent to commit, despite all the advice she’s being given.

We have the obligatory sex scene in which Greyworm confesses his love to Missandei, and though we didn’t get to see the eunuch’s lack of junk – it seems his mouth is well prepared to make up for it.

Naturally, now that we had a genuinely tender love scene we must cut to something boring AF, so Sam is following the Archamaester around the library, asking about possible greyscale treatments, bringing up Shireen Baratheon’s recovery from it. The old man dismisses any hope of a cure, babbling on about his current passion project, a modern history he calls “A Chronicle of the Wars Following the Death of King Robert the First,” which is meant to be a joke on his earlier assertion that if you want people to read your stuff, it has to have a certain amount of flair, which clearly this title does not. But you know what would be a good title?!?!?!? This gives credence to another fan theory, which is that this whole show is a chronicle of events as being written or told by an Old Sam Tarly, much in the same way “There and Back Again” was the book written by Bilbo Baggins, that we know as “The Hobbit.” If the show ends on a shot of a book titled “A Game of Thrones” written by Maester Tarly – I won’t be surprised. Anyway, Sam decides to try and help Jorah in secret anyway out of a sense of gratitude to Joer Mormont. The remedy seems to be getting drunk on rum to withstand the horrific pain of peeling off a layer of scales to be doused with an ointment, and this sets up one of the more clever and gross cut-to’s in cinematic history – jumping from Jorah’s inflicted skin to a meatpie that Arya is cutting up at an Inn which employs none other than her old pal HOT PIE!!!!!

This reunion is full of cute banter – Hot Pie recognizes ‘Arry’ immediately and they catch up. There is a hilarious reference to her Sweeny Todd- foray into pie making, and he mentions that Lady Brienne had been looking for her (“She found me.”) The brilliance of this exchange is that all of it is predicated on our past knowledge of Arya’s sordid travels, which she doesn’t at all elaborate on, but we know as loyal fans. Hot Pie has one tidbit of info that Arya doesn’t, however – that the Bolton’s are exterminated and Jon Snow is now King in the North – so why is she headed for King’s Landing? You can see the deadness fade in Arya’s eyes as she decides to change course (putting her kill list on hold) to return home. Maisie Williams’ acting is superb here – she barely even has to speak, her face says it all.

In the meantime, Sam has sent Jon a raven with the knowledge he obtained in the forbidden section of the library about the dragonglass under Dragonstone. This finalizes Jon’s decision to ride south to meet Danaerys, which literally NO ONE in the North supports. Honestly –I get where they are coming from. Jon has done nothing but hammer home the fact that Winter Is Here and the Army of the Dead is coming for them all – how could he leave when his leadership is so needed? How could he even entertain an alliance with Targaryens and Lannisters? These people are in for a rude awakening when they find out Jon himself is a Targaryen, whew boy. He speaks from the heart to them all that if they are to outlive the coming war, they need bodies and allies and Dany has offered this; she alone can get them the weapons they need to win, and as a Queen she must be addressed by a King – and he reminds them that they declared him as such, he never sought out this title. He leaves Sansa as Warden of the North, which is fair. She is after all the only true Stark in Winterfell at the moment.

Jon says his farewells to Ned’s grave in the catacombs under the castle (a popular destination for conversation, apparently) and Littlefinger slithers his way down to chat, unwelcomed. Jon tells him to get the fuck out, basically, and Littlefinger rubs in the fact that if it weren’t for his swooping in at the last minute with the Knights of the Vale, Jon wouldn’t be alive, much less King.

This was the wrong button to push – Jon uncharacteristically lashes out and chokes Littlefinger. Ah shit, Ned pulled the same move against Littlefinger in the Capital and we all know how that turned out!

Oh, how I yearned for Jon to end his miserable scheming life then – but Jon is a goody two shoes like his ‘father,’ so all we get is a “touch my sister and I’ll kill you myself!” and then he stomps off to leave for Dragonstone. Undoubtedly, now that Jon is openly hostile towards him, Littlefinger will be working overtime to woo Sansa. He’ll be pouring poison in her foolhardy ears, encouraging her to make poor decisions. Make no mistake folks – it’s not a question of ‘if’ Sansa is going to fuck things up: it’s a matter of ‘when.’ My guess is she will attempt to force out Jon and declare herself Queen of the North before he can return with reinforcements.  I appreciate that Sansa has been abused and manipulated and her ire is understandable, but like Cersei Lannister, her mistreatment has caused her to feel entitled to retribution, and entitled prideful behavior from a slighted noblewoman has proven lethal as of late (see: obliteration of the Sept of Baelor).

Allow me to divert attention to something unaddressed by this episode: WHY THE FUCK HASN’T BRAN BEEN BROUGHT DOWN TO WINTERFELL!? We see ravens delivering messages across thousands of miles in a matter of days, but Bran is at Castle Black unannounced to his Stark brethren a day’s ride away? What gives? Has he requested to remain anonymous for the time being at the Wall? If so, why? Why hasn’t word of his arrival spread to Winterfell yet? It’s very suspicious to me.

Back to the story at hand, we see Arya in the woods en route to Winterfell. I have been jonesing for a Jon/Arya reunion for 7 seasons now, but what we got here was almost as satisfying: NYMERIA THE DIREWOLF RETURNS!!! Arya is surrounded by a pack of wolves, who are coincidentally led by Arya’s beloved pet. They recognize each other, and Arya asks the wolf to return to Winterfell with her, to be a family again. Nymeria anticlimactically turns around and leaves with her pack. Arya seems crushed at first, but then whispers “that’s not you” – a play on when she told her father “that’s not me” when he regaled her of the fancy life she would lead as a great Lady and wife. She accepts that Nymeria has forged a life of her own, much like herself – and it would be foolish to think she’d give it up to be a pet again. If Arya and Sansa reunite – Arya will likely have to make it clear that she will be no pawn in the game of thrones. Oh please oh please – let Arya kill Littlefinger! It would be so sweet.

 

Meanwhile, “a foreign invasion is underway” on Yara and Theon’s ship, taking the prize for the lamest ever scripted line to be uttered on this show. The writers must really hate the Dorne subplot because The Sands get the worst parts of the script, always coming off buffoonish or oversexed, or both. Yara and Ellaria’s hook up is interrupted by an attack by Uncle Euron, who is here to collect Cersei’s gift. The following battle sequence was a swashbuckling good time, and Euron’s attack proves fatal for Dany’s naval mission. The Sand Snakes are slaughtered, and he breaks Theon yet again during his capture of Yara. I felt particularly bad for Yara as Theon relapsed into Reek tactics and literally jumped ship, leaving her to be tortured and raped by her Uncle’s men. I doubt Theon could have bested Euron in a fight – but Theon’s PTSD moment ensured his sister’s doom. I feel validated that Theon can never truly be redeemed, even as he rescued Sansa, even as Jamie Lannister and The Hound seem to have ennobled themselves after dastardly deeds. Theon never had honor or bravery as a foundation to fall back on, unlike the aforementioned men. This was bound to happen, but it was sad nonetheless. Theon seems to be the lone survivor of the assault; Ellaria Sand and Yara likely imprisoned to be presented to Cersei next episode.

Euron: Westeros' Creepiest Uncle

The coming attractions for next week show Jon and Davos in Dany’s throne room – I’m positively ecstatic about their meeting; and I’m desperately hoping for Melisandre and Davos to cross paths again so they can have an ugly verbal altercation. I’m also crossing my fingers that Dany’s siege of Casterly Rock is a forthcoming success in light of her naval defeat.