Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 3

 

Before I even get into it: Let’s all take a moment to pour one out for Lady Olenna Tyrell, the OG scheming bitch of the Seven Kingdoms, who was schooling men long before Dany and Cersei got a place on the board. I have loved Diana Rigg since I was a child (back when she was Emma Peel), and I have to say her performance has been consistently amazing on this show. I’ll miss the old bird; more on her later.

Obviously, this is the moment we have all been waiting for (nearly 2 decades if you’re a book reader like me): the convergence of the Jon and Danaerys storylines, the coming together of Ice and Fire, as Melisandre puts it (did anyone else squirm with glee at that moment? I always love when characters in a book/movie/show find an unassuming way to mention the title of the thing they’re in). Jon and Tyrion reunite on the beach at Dragonstone, which reminded me strongly of when Han Solo and Lando Calrissian meet up again in Cloud City.

Jon, Davos, and company reluctantly turn over their weapons and the Dothraki confiscate their little boat, and they begin the trek up the hill to the castle, where Davos strikes out trying to make small talk with Missandei, and there is a supremely awkward conversation about Sansa. Tyrion tells Jon that his insecurity about how unstrategic it was to come South is well founded – Starks don’t fare well in the South, historically, and were he Jon’s Hand, he would have advised against it. This is all just a set up so Jon could say “I’m not a Stark,” and then be mowed down by the passing by of a MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON (I think it was Rhaegal, and if it wasn’t that was a missed opportunity because that dragon was named after Jon’s true father, Rhaegar). Because, duh, Jon is actually a Targaryen! Not that he knows (he famously knowing nothing), but that was a not so subtle hint from the universe, amirite?

Melisandre overlooks the arrival from high up on the hill, and Varys has come to taunt her. He knows something must be amiss if she actively avoided the Northmen, since the meeting was all her idea. She admits that she “did not part on good terms” with Jon or Davos, though leaves out the part about barbecuing Shireen  - Varys already loathes her, he doesn’t need more fodder. She says she will leave for Volantis, and Varys basically threatens her life, implying if she were to return to Westors it wouldn’t be safe. She counters with this gem: “I’ll be back little spider, I have to die in this strange country. Just like you” -and then she leaves. So either she’s seen Varys’ demise in a vision, or she knows something more about him related to when his genitalia was sacrificed to a god when he was a child – the God spoke, if you believe when Varys told this story to Tyrion. Was it the Lord of Light? Either way – Varys was spooked. The only thing I know is in Volantis is Kinvara – the Red Priestess that helped spread the word that Dany is Azor Ahai throughout Slaver’s Bay. It’s likely a religious retreat for Melisandre, who insisted her days of whispering in Kings’ ears were over, but I’m not sure I believe her.

But enough about that old crone. Finally – Jon and Dany meet in the throne room. The meeting was kicked off with the 5minute long recitation of Dany’s many titles, to which Davos offers simply: “This is Jon Snow. He’s King in the North.” BAZINGA! What follows is the longest bit of uninterrupted dialogue I think has ever run on this show. It doesn’t go very well – Dany’s regal countenance seems to rub Jon entirely the wrong way, and Dany is outraged by 1)Jon’s refusal to bend the knee 2)his assertion that they’re being childish squabbling over formalities, and 3)his insistence that they need each other to survive. “I have dragons!” “THERE’S AN ARMY OF THE DEAD, WOMAN!” – it’s all cringingly frustrating because we know Dany’s navy has been obliterated before she does, and Jon knows he sound nuts talking about a spooky Night King and ice zombies.

But really, Dany and Jon are very similar in their accomplishments, as per their roles in the “Prince[ss] that was promised” prophecy. She is happy to step down from her throne and throw it in Jon’s face that, although her birthright is the Seven Kingdoms, she fucking earned that shit: she was sold, raped, beaten, lived in exile, with many nay-sayers and attempts on her life, but she always believed in herself, and now she’s here, having freed a whole continent of slaves and brought a famously water-shy ethnic group overseas.

That triggers Davos to throw it out there that Jon is just as impressive  because he has NO birthright (AAAAHHH if only they knew!)- “he’s a damn bastard who nonetheless united the Wildlings and the Northmen and was appointed King in the North because everyone up there (except Sansa) loves him, and he literally took a knife to the chest-” Jon cuts off Davos so he wouldn’t have to elaborate on his resurrection, and then Varys comes in bringing the bad news, so the Northern faction is dismissed, not quite prisoners for their open revolt stance.

 

We are shown that Theon, ever the survivor, is fished out of the sea by a few of the Ironborn, and they treat him with disgust, knowing that if Theon had made an effort to save Yara from Euron, he wouldn’t still be alive, therefore he is a coward still. I really can’t feel sorry for Theon as hard as I try, knowing he has major PTSD and saved Sansa should have redeemed him but it hasn’t. Why is he alive, really? Simply so that Jon can cross his path and berate him for being a fucking tool? It would be less cruel if he were dead, which is why GRRM is determined to keep him alive I suppose.

Euron parades Ellaria, Tyene, and Yara through the streets of King’s Landing and the common folk are thoroughly enjoying it, as is Euron who grossly admits to his niece the whole thing is “making him hard.” He stays true to his pervy Uncle shtick in the throne room as he taunts Jaime, asking vulgar questions about Cersei’s sexual proclivities. Euron reminds me of a more sexually aggressive Beetlejuice; confrontational and annoying, pure id in a sleazy leather jacket. Cersei seemingly promises to marry him once the war is won – but she’s Cersei, so who knows if she will make good on that.

I chose MAC "Fashion Tide" Lip Gloss for this murder.

We cut to the dungeons where I knew immediately she was going to kill Tyene with the same poison that was used to kill Myrcella, because Cersei was wearing pink lipstick and that woman hasn’t worn make up since season one. Her descent into sadistic madness is in free fall, this sequence goes on for a long time, taunting Ellaria Sand about Oberyn and then mandating that the lights be kept on and her victim force fed in order to witness her daughter die. I don’t really feel bad for The Sands, either, as much as I hearted Oberyn – they kind of had it coming.

Clearly Greek-tragedy style revenge is a huge turn on for Cersei (take notes, Euron!), because she throws herself at Jaime, who submits to her advances without much fuss. Her hubris leads her to answer her door in the morning half naked, Jaime in her bed. The lady in waiting (sporting Cersei’s pixie cut, which seems to be an official style for Ladies now) tells her the representative from Braavos has arrived, and gets a solid look at Jaime. I really hope this somehow bites Cersei in the ass down the line; because I’d literally rather see Littlefinger on the Iron Throne and I hate his fucking guts.

Cersei banters with Mycroft Holmes (don’t know and don’t care what that character’s actual name is), of the Iron Bank of Braavos, who has come to collect on all of the Crown’s debts. He politely calls Cersei out on her shit and brings up Dany’s dragons, and Cersei pretty convincingly argues that Dany may have dragons, but she’s a revolutionary, not a monarch – Cersei is a better bet than the Mother of Dragons, who dealt Braavos a pretty serious financial blow when she liberated the slaves in Essos. You can see her cleverness running straight to her head, and Mycroft relents after she promises to have all the debts paid off in two weeks, which seems overly ambitious, but sure, why not?

Jon is staring longingly at his ship that he can’t get to in the bay from the hill, where he is interrupted by Tyrion, who also came up to brood because the navy is gone and is upset that Jon Snow is a better brooder than he is (we know this because it’s actual dialogue and it’s amazing). Tyrion reiterates to Jon that he believes him about the Night King, but points out that it’s pretty hard for people to think in big terms like that – Cersei is a more digestible monster. If this isn’t a blatant allusion to our modern struggle with climate change denial, I don’t know what is. Anyway, Tyrion feels bad and asks Jon if he can help him with anything else, since Dany won’t be sending troops up to the Wall.

“DRAGAONGLASS!?” Dany exclaims. “Why the fuck are we talking about glass when we just lost half our fighting force?” Tyrion implores her to let the Northerners mine the dragonglass, because they didn’t even know it was there, and since it means nothing to her and everything to him – it’s a great way to forge a tentative alliance. She ultimately agrees and tells Jon she will help him mine the dragonglass, even though he still hasn’t agreed to bend the knee. There’s also a brilliant bit where Dany calls Tyrion out for trying to pass off his own thoughts as ancient wisdom – it felt almost like the “I love lamp” gag from Anchorman.

Back in the north, Sansa shows her leadership acumen by demanding higher grain stores and leather lining on metal breastplates. The whole thing seemed contrived to me; I get that she’s not supposed to be a total idiot, and I don’t think she is unintelligent, but why is she the only one thinking of this stuff? She’s been a political prisoner for much of the last 3-4 years, what the hell does she actually know about running a homestead? Catelyn was a hyper competent Lady, but Cersei wasn’t, so I guess we’re to believe she’s picking up where her mom left off, but it seemed cheesy to me. Anyway, Littlefinger is still trailing her like a puppy dog, and he launches into another Rust Cohlesque monologue about how “Everyone is your friend and enemy and all possibilities are happening at once blah blah blah” it may as well have just been the Westerosi version of “time is a flat circle.”

Which is actually a great set up for our reintroduction to BRANDON STARK, who is back in Winterfell. Sansa gets another brotherly reunion, and is eager to address the fact that as the last trueborn son of Ned, he is the Lord of Winterfell. It’s not lost on Sansa that her position as Warden of the North in Jon’s stead is basically voided by Bran’s presence – except that Bran is very clear that he will not accept that title, since he is already the Three-Eyed Raven. Bran is doing his best Dr. Manhattan, “I know all and have seen all”-dead in the eyes/voice impression during this meeting with his sister, which takes place under the Weirwood tree. He speaks cryptically of wanting to meet with Jon (Bran is the only living person that we know of that knows about Jon’s true origins), and then he basically tells Sansa he’s sorry she was married off to Ramsey and raped in their own home, which sends her running, having experienced in person the true freaky nature of talking to the 3ER.

We spend some time in the Citadel, where Jorah has made a full recovery from grey scale thanks to Sam’s intervention! Jorah is headed back to his Khaleesi, and I suspect he and Sam will play a role in uniting the monarchs they serve sometime later this season. Sam gets bitched out by the Archmaester for defying him and risking contaminating the whole city, but the old man is so impressed with the job he did Sam gets a promotion of sorts – he’s now going to be copying scrolls instead of emptying bedpans.

Back on Dragonstone, Dany expresses a desire to go the way of the dragon and unleash the full fiery fury of her children on Euron’s fleet, which the advisors veto, citing the obvious dangers. Tyrion then narrates the sacking of Casterly Rock, which is won thanks to his redesigning of the sewers back in the day to sneak prostitutes into the fortress. It’s all very anticlimactic because only a barebones unit of men were there to ‘defend the castle’- turns out this was an elaborate trick by the Lannisters, who let the Unsullied have it so they could cut down their numbers and destroy what was left of Yara and Theon’s armada.

Now Greyworm and his brethren are on the wrong side of the continent without a navy and will have to march across the land when their stores run out, Jaime Lannister explains to Lady Olenna in her room at High Garden, where the true Lannister force was when the Casterly Rock fiasco was going on. Randal Tarly did indeed turn against his liege and High Garden was taken rather quickly because, as Olenna admits, “fighting was never our forte.”

This pre-death conversation was a great capstone to a very long episode. Jaime and Olenna speak about their past failures; Jaime’s rectified with this victory after his similar defeat at the hands of Robb Stark so long ago, Olenna’s outstanding due to a “failure of imagination.” She shoots barbs about both Joffrey (“He really was a cunt”) and Cersei (“she is a disease, and I regret my part in spreading it, as will you”), whom she declares to be a monster; and the cause of Jaime’s downfall. He knows as much; so Olenna moves on to asks how she will die. Jaime is the better person of the twins, as always, so he has arranged a dignified and painless death for the old woman, and she unsentimentally drinks down that poison with a quickness. Never to be outshone or without the last laugh, Olenna leans back and tells Jaime it was she who orchestrated Joffrey’s murder. “Tell Cersei, I want her to know it was me,” are her final smug words. Jaime is understandably mindfucked and storms out of the room, with the “Rains of Castamere” playing over the end scene.

Sometimes the best deaths aren’t bloody or (physically) savage at all. RIP Olenna Tyrell - your epic shade throwing will be missed.

Next week, I think Dany is going to make good on the final advice Olenna gave her – “be a dragon” – and seek retribution for her dual defeats at Cersei’s hands.