Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 1

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Now that that's out of my system: the episode may have been titled "Dragonstone" - but this masterpiece belongs to Arya Stark. Without a doubt, the cold open of this episode is one of the best season openers for any show ever recorded. It beings with "Walder Frey," who is hosting an uncharacteristically generous feast for his men - and so soon after the feast he threw for the reacquisition of Riverrun! Those of us in the know (which should have been any person who watched the finale last season) were immediately aware, of course, that this was not actually Walder Frey, but Arya Stark wearing his miserable face. She tells the men who carried out the Red Wedding that they all deserve a cup of the finest wine (but not his child-bride - can't waste good wine on a stupid woman! She really sells the performance - all that time spent with the acting troupe last season paid off), and it's deliciously obvious that the wine has been poisoned, and then they all die. Arya orchestrated an act of vengeance so Greek-tragedy in it's DNA all I could do was cheer and squeal with delight at a massacre - that's what Game of Thrones does to people. She executes a face mask pull off that would put Ethan Hunt to shame and tells Lady Frey to spread the word: "Tell them that winter came for House Frey." GOOSEBUMPS!!! Seriously though: the face thing is a full on rip-off (pun intended) of the maneuver made famous by Mission: Impossible, and I think she does it way better than Tom Cruise ever did:

We leave the Riverlands for a barren winterscape, which shows the Army of the Dead literally bringing the storm with them as they approach the wall - and we see that not only are there White Walkers and wights, but zombie fucking giants too - at least three! I'm not sure if that one in the forefront was supposed to be WunWun (Jon and company would have burned him along with the other dead, surely??) but he was missing as eye... perhaps that's a pretty common way for a giant to go? This ominous march is actually a vision of Bran's (and later, the Hound's), who has finally reached the Wall with Meera Reed. Good ol' Ed greets them there, and Bran rattles off some facts that no mere Wildling could know about Ed to convince him to let them in (although I'm not sure why spooky psychic facts would necessarily mean Bran was telling the truth about his identity or anything else, but, woo hoo! FUTURE STARK REUNION IS NIGH!).

Speaking of the Starks, Jon and Sansa are making tough decisions at Winterfell. Jon wants all able bodied men, women, and children out looking for dragonglass, a proven weapon against the forces of darkness. He informs the room full of mostly dudes that they can't save the North if only half the population is fighting - that means the ladies must learn to fight too. This leads to an exchange between Lyanna Mormont and Lord Glover who balked at 'having to put a sword in my granddaughter's hand' and I still want to be her when I grow up. #wokeNorth.

It's decided that the Wildings will occupy all the castles and fortresses along the Wall to lookout for the White Walkers, which is smart because now they won't be brushing up against the Westerosi Northmen drudging up old prejudices. The topic of what punishment should be enforced against Houses Umber and Karstark is brought up, and Sansa does an excellent job of making Jon seem like a bitch. She insists, loudly and forcefully that they are traitorous houses who served Ramsey and deserve to be stripped of their lands and titles, and the properties should be redistributed to loyal houses - which does seem fair to me. Were the situation with the White Walkers not eminent, I think this would have been the way to go. However - Jon knows that be punishing the Umbers/Karstarks for the sins of one generation would be shooting himself in the foot later on, breeding resentment. Think of our own Northern mistakes post-Civil War: the descendants of the defeated from that war are still bitter about the loss, aren't they? and that came back to bite us in the ass in a big way during Election 2016... but it's easy to see why she feels this way. Sansa was trained in leadership by Cersei Lannister and Littlefinger; Jon in the schools of Joer Mormont and Ned Stark, who preached unity and forgiveness and respect.

"Dafuk did you just say!?"

The King of the North makes the new leaders of these houses - child Ned Umber and teen Alys Karstark - bend a knee, and it seems he has won the day and the respect of his subjects. Brother and sister bicker on the ramparts - Sansa is a Machiavellian and Jon is a believer in transparency and mercy in leadership and their opposing philosophies are clearly going to be the undoing of the unity of the North. At one point he snaps "Do you think I'm Joffrey?" at her - muzzling her ire a bit. She has to admit he's an actual true leader, unlike her once betrothed, but he needs to grow a pair, basically. Jon quips that their father used to say "everything that comes before 'but' is horseshit" - definite words to live by. She reminds him that both Ned and Robb lost their heads, and he should be eager to keep his. "How," he responds "by listening to you?" They receive a raven from Queen Cersei, demanding Jon come to King's Landing and bend the knee or face certain death. The argument turns to which the greater threat is - the Army of the Dead, or the Lannisters. Jon, having witnessed the full horror that is the White Walkers, is ready to brush off Cersei - but Sansa has lived with that bitch and she is quick to point out that right now there is a massive Wall protecting the living from the Dead - no such thing exists from the armies of the South. She knows Cersei has murdered every single person who has crossed her, and she'll come for Jon and Sansa too - the threat is real.

We know it's real because Cersei is having the whole of Westeros painted on her floor, a handy narrative device so she can provide we the audience with an exposition dump as she speaks to Jaime, who she accuses of having been 'quiet' since he returned home from the Riverlands. Gee, bitch - you murdered a fifth of the population of the city and caused our youngest son to turn King's Landing into a pun - ya think!? Her monologue is great though - "brood of bitches" to the South in the Sands, "that old cunt Olenna Tyrell" to the West, long standing enemies to the North. Jaime is right in that the Lannisters are shaping up to be the losing side - especially since now all of the Freys are dead (although they are apparently unaware that Arya was responsible for that).

"You killed our baby boy" "He betrayed us" #SORRYNOTSORRY

Enter Euron Greyjoy and the non-Yara/Theon faction of the Ironborn. For an archipelago that has literally no forests they sure built up an impressive armada for their invitation to King's Landing! Euron presents himself as a playboy in the vein of Jack Sparrow (sans-feminine affectations), seeking Cersei's hand in marriage. Jaime is dismissive and smug, recalling that Euron started a rebellion and picked a fight with the Lannisters ages ago that he lost. Ever the suave salesman, Euron flips the script and basically thanks them for defeating him, because had he not been defeated he wouldn't have gone into exile and become the world's greatest pirate. Cersei turns down the offer - he is an opportunistic brother-murderer, after all. He smiles and tells her she should try killing a brother - it's a wonderful feeling (it's not like she hasn't tried - Tyrion escaped before she could execute him for regicide). He also promises to change her mind, and that he wouldn't return to King's Landing without the perfect gift for her, and he leaves. I'm guessing he means Tyrion - who is known to still be alive and in the service of Danaerys Targaryen, who acquired the allegiance of his niece and nephew at the end of last season. But who knows? We shall find out.

Shakespeare In Love + Peter Bishop = Euron Greyjoy

We switch gears at Oldtown, where a montage of monotony provides comedic relief as we watch Sam Tarly wash out bed pans, deliver meals, and reshelve books for what felt like 36 years, gagging and near puking for nearly all of it. Poor Sam wants to really learn things so as to help defeat the White Walkers - but he's the low man on the totem pole here and he has to pay his dues. He complains to a Grand Maester during an autopsy about the situation. Grand Maester is played by the ever-excellent Jim Broadbent, and he admits to Sam that he believes his tale and sympathizes with him, but explains that their role in Oldtown is unlike any other Westeros person, as they serve as "the world's memory." In a monologue that feels like he's speaking directly to us Americans who are seriously nervous that the reign of POTUS 45 will be the death of civilization, Grand Maester tells Sam that the people have suspected that the end was nigh on many occasions - "every winter has ended" - the world kept on spinning; people survived, life continued. It was meant to be comforting, perhaps - but knowing what we do, it didn't feel that way, did it? From a historical perspective, it's relevant to note that the existence of Oldtown and the preservation of knowledge would have been rather helpful if an equivalent city had existed during the Roman Empire. Dearth of knowledge is what brought about the Dark Ages after the Empire collapsed, and it took roughly 1000 years to reach the point of the Renaissance, when science/navigation/democratic ideals etc. vastly improved the quality of life across Europe, eventually resulting in the world we live in today. The accumulation, preservation of, and dissemination of knowledge is what ultimately drives civilization - aka EDUCATION - a lesson we should take to heart.

Back at Winterfell, Brienne of Tarth is kicking Pod's ass. He's lucky he has that magic penis thing going for him because he's not much of a swordsman. Tormund is still publically lusting after her. Truly, even as it comes across as unfeminist: I wish someone gaped at me the way he gapes at her. Sansa observes her protector from a high perch, where Littlefinger has slithered up to whisper poison in her ear. "You have everything you could have hoped for up here," he says. "So why aren't you happy?" For now, she dismisses him, sick-ass burn at the ready: "No need for the last word, Lord Baelish - I'll assume it was something clever" and he slinks away as Brienne muscles her way to her Lady's side. But you can tell - Sansa is bitter that Jon has emerged as the Stark leader. We know she's kind of right - he's a secret Targaryen, after all. She suffers now from the same sickness Cersei does - a lifetime of being treated like a thing to be bought and sold, never to be taken seriously. If only she knew - that's a hubris-laced recipe for disaster.

Back to Arya, who is traveling south, crosses paths with none other than ED FUCKING SHEERAN, who is singing a ballad to his unit of Lannister soldiers off the side of the highway. They invite her to dine with them, and I didn't know who to be more nervous for - her, as an unaccompanied young woman in a hostile medieval land (let's face it - she may as well have 'gang rape me' painted on her saddlebag), or the young men, who have literally no idea that they have invited a once-Faceless Girl and current mass murderer to their hearth.

Ed Sheeran and The-Assassin-Formerly-Known-As-No One

They turn out to be decent men, with relatable problems and kind hearts, despite the colors and flags they carry. They ask Arya where she is headed (King's Landing) and they complain about her destination much like people often complain of NYC - it's a literal shithole! Hahahahaha. They ask her why. "I'm going to kill the Queen," she answers. They laugh at her 'joke.' But I swear, even though the prophecy has ruled it out - it would be orgasmically satisfying to see Arya cross Cersei off her Kill List, more so than when Beatrix finally got to kill Bill. Or is it ruled out? What if Arya kills Jaime, steals his face, and then strangles her at the very end!? If it happens that way (probably not) - you heard it here first!

Arya's former partner, the Hound, is in familiar territory - he and the Brotherhood without Banners stop to rest at a place he and Arya stayed before he was felled by Brienne back in Season 4. You know, the place where he fucked up the kindly farmer and left him and his daughter to die before winter? Well, their skeletons are in the corner of the house, and he's clearly feeling the guilt as a man with a new-found conscience. He asks Beric Dondarion why he of all people - a boring man with no real accomplishments - has been chosen by the Red God for multiple resurrections. Beric doesn't know - and Thoros demands Sandor stare into the fire to answer the cosmic questions that plague him. "My luck I end up with fire worshippers," he grumbles - but when he really looks at the fire, he apparently sees what Bran saw - the Army of the dead, marching towards the Wall of ice. The Red God is undoubtedly the foe of the Dead - lucky for our protagonists. The Hound buries the people he indirectly killed as part of his atonement - do we really need more convincing of his redemption? I don't, but I guess he does.

Cut back to Sam, who smuggles some off-limits books to study as he visits Gilly and Lil Sam in town. He has a lightbulb moment when he learns that Dragonstone  (likely a volcanic island) is basically a dragonglass gold mine - he must get word to Jon! We also get a glimpse in the book he's reading of a drawing of the Catspaw blade: the very knife that was used in the attempt on Bran Stark's life that got Tyrion imprisoned for murder the first time around. That's a heavy hint that it will inevitably crop up again at some point.

But first he must continue to drudge as he picks up the lunch bowls of the afflicted who are in treatment in Oldtown - one of whom is none other  than JORAH FUCKING MORMONT - whose grey-scale afflicted arm shoots out to snatch at Sam to ask if Dany has landed at Westeros yet. Sam says not that he's aware, but that's waaaaaaay on the other side of the continent, so word hasn't gotten to him yet that....

.....Dany and company have reached her ancestral home of Dragonstone! The entire sequence is wordless and without music accompaniment to drive home the gravity of this moment for the heroine and for the story as a whole. She has been seeking this moment her entire life - to return to the place of her birth - and it has finally happened. We should recall this as the place that Stannis Baratheon once called his - this is where Davos set Gendry free from, where Melisandre did most of her plotting for the failed would-be king. He abandoned the castle in his attempt for the throne - Dany casually yanks down the Baratheon banner in the hall and roams freely about the house that is rightfully hers. She and Tyrion wind up in the war room, where Stannis' table of Westeros and all it's little wooden players sits collecting dust. The episode ends with her saying the perfectly meta: "Shall we begin?"

I can honestly say - after a over a year of anticipation, this opener killed it. It was better than I could have hoped for. Next episode suggests a possible reunion between Arya and Nymeria the direwolf - if it happens I think my nervous system will shut down from the ecstatic fit I will have. Thanks for checking in!