Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 5

Maybe it’s because we’re used to 6 seasons of GOT stretching for time that this episode, Eastwatch, felt as rushed as it did. Or maybe the writers really are just pushing the fast forward button and completely disregarding the physical realities of velocity, distance and time (HOW THE FUCK DID A WHOLE ARMY OF DOTHRAKKI WIND UP IN THE FIELDS WEST OF KING’S LANDING AND GET BACK AGAIN IF THE GREYJOY FLEET IS DESTROYED, ALL IN A TWO DAY PERIOD!?!?!). Either way – this more than any other episode felt like a soap opera (and at the end a bit like a Super Friends storyline)- didn’t it?

We pick up right where we left off, with Bronn and Jaime clawing their way back on to dry land. So it was our rogue Bronn who pulled off that deus ex machina! Bronn is sick of being MVP, so he gives it to Jaime for trying to kill Dany with her damn dragon in the way.

 

They must manage to sneak away off camera because the surviving Lannister/Tarley brigade has been rounded up to be presented to the Dragon Queen, yet another epithet Dany has acquired. This scene, so simple, took my breath away –the sight of Drogon stretching his wings on a crag, revving up for another round of scorching deaths was riveting. I’m so happy they broke the bank on the CG dragons this season. Anyway, Tyrion is skittish standing next to Dany during her ultimatum because he just walked the grounds where there is more ash than identifiable bodies. “Bend the knee or die; it’s your choice.” Drogon screams a little to convince the few idiots still standing, but Sam’s dad and older brother won’t budge. People will say they admire Randyll and Dickon for their courage and conviction, but I say they’re just stubborn assholes because when House Tarly is gone – what will become of their family? Sam’s mother and sister were lovely people, if you recall from last season - but they’re not badass females like Arya and Brienne. I’m wondering if Sam will eventually be released from his oath to the Night’s Watch to claim his title and homestead… more on Sam later. Dany sentences them to die despite Tyrion's pleas to show them mercy, but Drogon BBQs them and that’s all she wrote. Their deaths were entirely avoidable from both perspectives.

BEND THE KNEE

Jaime runs back to Cersei in a panic, having just witnessed the full catastrophic power of Daenerys and her dragon. Cersei brushes off the mass casualties; they have the Tyrell gold and are in good standing with the Iron Bank – they can just hire mercenaries. Jaime says no – a mercenary army isn’t going to best the Dothrakki in an open field, and even if that’s embellishing things – it’s pretty hard to fight if you’re being incinerated by dragon fire. He wants to try and work something out with Dany, but Cersei is a despot and won’t cede her power – she’d rather die fighting. Jaime also reveals that it was Olenna who offed Joffrey – not Tryion. Her reaction is only that she should have made Olenna die screaming – no regret at all for her railroading of Tryion.

Jon Snow is brooding on the cliffs on Dragonstone when Dany swoops in on Drogon, fresh off her victory. There is a rather terrifying moment where we see what Jon sees – a giant hulking death beast gets right up in Jon’s face. Again – the graphics on Drogon are excellent. Dany looks on in admiration as Jon pets her dragon on his snout without being eaten/roasted – to her it’s probably a sign that he can be trusted, but to us it’s just beating a dead horse that Jon is also a Targaryen.

Hello, Cousin!

There is a light joke about the swiftness of Dany’s trip: “You weren’t gone long,” Jon says. “I have less enemies today than I did yesterday,” Dany follows. She asks him about the veracity of Ser Davos’ claim that he took a knife to the heart for his people - and he lets her continue to believe it was just a figure of speech. He probably should have copped to his zombie status though – because he’s completely overshadowed by the return of JORAH FRIENDZONE MORMONT – who must have hitched a ride on a Tardis or a Delorean to get to Dragonstone.  Dany hugs Jorah tenderly and welcomes him back into her service, and Jon is noticeably chagrinned.

Reunited and it feels so gooooood

Up in the north, Bran is warging into a flock of ravens that he sent north of the Wall to seek the Army of the Dead. It’s nice to see him using this power again since he leveled up to greenseeing. Unfortunately, he sees the Night King near Eastwatch-by-the-Sea, which is where Jon sent Tormund. Bran has Maester Wolkan send ravens to Jon Snow and to the Citadel to tell of his vision –

-which is where we find Sam, who just happens to walk in on a conversation the head Maesters are having about Bran’s letter. They think visions of the walking dead are likely a load of shit, but Sam speaks up and insists Brandon Stark is legit – how else could a cripple survive north of the wall for so long? And besides, Sam has seen the wights in person – it’s all real. He urges them to tell all of Westeros of the danger because they are this world’s equivalent of ‘scientific experts’ – the lords will believe them and send armies to the north. Poor naïve Sam… The Archmaester admits it might be true – but it’s likely a ploy of the Dragon Queen. Sam leaves in disgust – and the Archmaester reveals to his pals that he knows about the demise of the House of Tarly, but hasn’t had the heart to tell Sam about it yet.

Varys and Tyrion are getting drunk in the throne room. It seemed a bit disingenuous to me that only now are Varys’ sins starting to get to him, but when you consider the fact that he’s read the note Bran sent for Jon (Tyrion and Varys’ banter about having read the private correspondence of the King of the North was adorable in this scene), and the fact that Melisandre told him he was going to die a few episodes ago, it feels less like bullshit. Tyrion clearly feels bad about Randyll and Dickon, but insists he is only Dany’s Hand – he can’t make her decisions for her. Varys rues all of the times he sniffed out people for Dany’s father to barbeque – it must feel like history repeating itself for the ol’ Spider. He tells Tyrion he has to get her in line – but with so many lines having been crossed by the characters in this story, is there proprietary boundary anymore?

 

Jon is given his note and he’s floored – not only does he learn that TWO more of his siblings are alive – but also that Bran is a mystical shaman who saw the march of the Army of the Dead south to Eastwatch. As Marty McFly once said: “This is heavy!” Jon tells Dany he has to go, but she is concerned because he admitted to having too small an army and she won’t be sending hers or else she’ll lose ground to Cersei. Tyrion and Davos spit ball about trying to set up a meeting with Jaime, who is the only person Cersei will listen to. Tyrion thinks if they can smuggle a wight down to King’s Landing so she can see for herself the danger, maybe she’ll press pause on the war. Does this seem fucking stupid to anyone else? Why would Cersei give a fuck even seeing it with her own eyes? She’s a megalomaniac, she’s the sort that would welcome the Night King to obliterate the Northmen and then she’d ineffectively sick her mercenaries on the Dead. Jorah throws himself into the mix, offering to carry out the mission beyond the Wall, but Jon will not be upstaged– this is his territory and if he wants it done right (regardless of the fact that he’s a King and his constituents are getting restless back home – more on this to come), he’ll damn well lead the party himself! Dany’s crush reveals itself: “I didn’t say you could leave,” she warns hollowly. Jon insists he’s a King and will do whatever foolhardy thing he wants, so he sends Davos and Tyrion off to King’s Landing to discuss the plan with Jaime.

Back in Winterfell, Sansa is being flattered mercilessly by Lord Glover, who coos that they all should have elected her to be their leader. Arya watches on, pissed at Sansa’s willingness to accept such criticism of Jon. She confronts Sansa in her room – the room that used to be their parents.’  Arya accuses Sansa of being disloyal –that she hopes Jon will die down south; that her soft responses to treasonous speech are so that in the event of Jon’s failure to return, she will be seen as the legitimate heir of Winterfell. This, of course, is absolutely true – Sansa is performing her duty as Lady very well, but the power is going to her head. Sansa is clearly scared of Arya, knowing she’s slightly unhinged and that she could kill Brienne if she wanted – Sansa is a far easier target. She tells Arya that you don’t unite people by chopping off heads; that disciplining the Lords for criticizing Jon would lose Jon his army, and then dismisses her, citing “work to do.” I know this scene was meant to show just how ruthless and cold Arya has become, but I’m like 70% in her corner on this. Sansa is right to maintain the peace, surely – but it’s not out of fealty to her ‘brother:’ it’s for her own benefit.

Bronn lures Jaime into the same dungeon with the dragon skulls that Cersei and Qyburn like to hang out in with a lie about “sparring practice” so that Tyrion can have his audience. This is yet another example of missing time that we’re just supposed to be comfortable with: we saw Tyrion and Davos arrive on a secluded beach, and at least a day must have passed so that Tyrion could pay someone off to get word to Bronn, and then Bronn had to come up with a way to get Jaime to the spot, etc. The erstwhile Bronn takes off, and Jaime is apoplectic, although ultimately likes what he hears about Tyrion’s plan about the armistice.

While this was happening, Davos was scouring Flea Bottom in search of the boy that got away –GENDRY! Davos went full Arrested Development with: “thought you might still be rowing!” My whole brain had to reboot from the meme-induced fangasm I suffered. Gendry is alive and well, working as a blacksmith since his seafaring escape waaaaaay back in Season 3. He doesn’t even care what Davos is selling: he’s already packed to go; he grabs his hammer (a direct reference to his father, Robert Baratheon, whose weapon of choice during the Rebellion was a warhammer) and they take off for the shore, where Davos left his secret boat.

Gendry 2.0

We are treated to Davos’ smuggling showmanship as a couple of guards stumble across them trying to leave, and he very nearly has them fooled, bribed, and on their way when Tryion shows up, fucking up the whole con. Gendry takes out both guards in two shots, and then the trio is back at Dragonstone (the seas must be in cohoots with Team Dany, I know it), where a bastard meet-cute occurs. “You’re leaner [than your father]!” says Jon. “You’re shorter [than your father]!” Faux pass, Gendry – you probably didn’t realize the double entendre of the pseudo insult you just delivered (you know, because Ned’s corpse is a head shorter than he was when he was among the living). But Jon accepts Gendry’s help going forward for his mission north of the Wall, because they’re just two bastards trying to leave the world a better place than they entered it. I suspect Gendry will serve a greater purpose as a blacksmith than a warrior – his former master was Tobho Mott, one of the last men alive who could reforge Valyrian steel. Perhaps Gendry learned that skill and can help make more weapons in the fight against the Dead?

Jaime runs back to Cersei to try and reason with her about what he just heard from Tyrion, and in addition to her shaming him for assuming she didn’t know about Bronn’s scheme (and allowed it to continue), she drops the “I’m pregnant” bomb – because GOT is now a telenovella. Every time Jaime gets close to righting the fucked up ship Cersei is steering, she knocks it off course with a whopper. She also insists that she will proudly tell the truth that the child is his when the time comes; and Jaime knows that that will ruffle the wrong feathers, but he’s just gotten some good news for once and he can’t object. Poor, dumb Jaime: we know from the prophecy of Maggie the Frog that even if Cersei isn’t lying about being pregnant, this kid will never be born because Cersei was destined to bear 3 children – and three kids have been born and died already.

Sam is dealing with his own familial drama in Old Town, where he’s working and Gilly is avidly reading aloud to him the Asperger’s-level observations and doings of the High Septon Maynard. We learn that there are 15,782 steps in the Citadel, there aren’t any more windows in the Sept of Baelor, and that he performed an annulment in Dorne for Prince “Ragger” and married him to a new wife – and then Sam loses his shit because he’s toiling away copying “trivial shit” when there’s important information just sitting on the self in the library that could possibly save them all from the White Walkers. AAAAAAHHHHH OH MY FUCKING GOD we now have proof that Jon is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne because Rhaegar had his marriage to Elia Martel annulled, which means his secret marriage to Lyanna Stark was lawful and Jon is neither a Stark nor a Targaryen bastard at all! We’re off screaming at Sam’s mansplaining failure to acknowledge the information Gilly has just stumbled upon, but poor timing aside he’s decided to jump ship with Gilly and Lil Sam. Sam is just done reading about the accomplishment of great men – he wants to be a great man himself, so they take off with stolen literature, presumably for Winterfell. I hope to hell Gilly smuggled Maynard’s diary too.

 

Winterfell has a ghost – not just the direwolf, who Sansa meta-joked about earlier in the episode (Ghost is waiting around off camera for Jon because they blew the CGI budget on Drogon), but Arya, who is actively stalking Littlefinger, who is paying people off all around the castle for information. She lets herself into his room, where she finds a scroll that she watched the Maester give to him in a very sketchy exchange. The scroll is the letter that Sansa penned ages ago from King’s Landing to Robb Stark about how Ned was in the wrong for trying to overthrow Joffrey – if you’ll recall, Robb read the note to Catelyn back in Season 1 and it was determined that though it was written in Sansa’s hand, the words were Cersei’s. Arya wasn’t around for this, of course, so the content of the note definitely puts her off. It was retrieved and placed to drive the wedge between her and Sansa even deeper – Littlefinger staged that whole thing to trick Arya. I would like to believe that Arya is smarter than this – that she will realize that nothing Littlefinger does can be taken at face value, and that he’s trying to play her against Sansa in a typical ‘divide and conquer’ ploy. But Arya is fairly disgusted with the way things are panning out at home, so she very well may make matters worse.

The end of this episode played like fan fiction – they literally threw together any characters that were north of the Riverlands (who weren’t already at Winterfell) at Eastwatch, where Jon, Davos, Gendry, and Jorah meet with Tormund, who has imprisoned Thoros, Beric, and the Hound in the dungeon at the castle. They all clash, having at one point all been on opposing sides of the political struggle that has plagued Westeros for the past 4 years or so. I’ve created this info graphic to help you keep track:

Jon dismisses their former allegiances and past sins because they’re all on the same side now: #TEAMSTILLBREATHING. They all prep for their journey north of the Wall, where they’ll attempt to kidnap a wight and make it back alive to secure an armistice until the Dead can be defeated. It’s a cartoonish plan, IMHO – but you know next week we’ll get a look at Beric Dondarrion’s flaming sword, so I think it’s worth it. Here’s to hoping the inevitable casualties are Beric and Thoros, and no one else!