Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 7: Finale

            

        
   

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that I got that off my chest, I’m going to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH some more, so I can start employing rational thoughts. ALL THE FUCKING FEELS, PEOPLE! Season 7’s finale, which clocked in at and hour and 25 mins was only ever disappointing for roughly 5-6 minutes – everything else was thrilling for both satisfying and horrifying reasons.

We open on Greyworm and the Unsullied, who have successfully marched across Westeros to menace the walls of King’s Landing in time for the armistice meeting. Bronn and Jaime have a candid conversation about what the mercenaries could possibly be fighting for if they have no cocks. "Family," Jaime suggests. “Not without a cock!” It’s standard Bronn, but it does show that with no hope for a family, these men fighting for Dany stand for something else – existential freedom, perhaps? They have an actual cause, unlike the Lannisters – who only fight to keep their wealth and power and other Lannisters safe. The Dothraki pour in behind the Unsullied, and we pan out to the armada in Blackwater Bay so we get a better view of where the force resides on the Lannister side of things. Then we see a few teeny ships sailing in, which carry Jon and Tyrion and everyone else on Team Living, except for Dany.

Jon, worrying about the numbers of recruitment for the Night King, asks Tyrion how many people live in King’s Landing. This is Jon’s very first trip to the capital and to a city period – he doesn’t know. Tyrion guesses a million – which for the size of KL seems like a lot to me, but whatever, I accept dragons and resurrection on this program, so why not? Like any country boy Jon is aghast – how do they stand being all squished up against each other? Tyrion’s answer boils down to: brothels. Tyrion and Bronn – peas in a pod.

Up in the Red Keep, Cersei complains to Jaime that Dany didn’t arrive with her compatriots, so she must assume the Dragon Queen will be making a statement entrance later. She instructs the Mountain to kill Dany first if negotiations go south, and then Tyrion and Jon.

Meanwhile, the others make their way to the Dragon Pit, which is where the Targaryens kept their dragons to keep the populace safe once they conquered Westeros – and where the armistice meeting will take place. It seems a statement from Cersei – 'I mean to tame the dragon here.' Tyrion mentions that when Balerion (whose skull Qyburn impaled in the dungeons) lived there, it was the most dangerous place in the world. Davos quips predictably: “Still is.”

Bronn greets the group – and a full twenty minute sequence of reunions kicks off. Brienne arrived in Sansa’s stead early, so she’s behind Bronn. Pod and Tyrion have a sweet exchange, but by far the best moment is the Hound meeting up with Brienne. “I thought you were dead?” she says. Not for her lack of trying, obviously. She reveals Arya is alive at Winterfell, and that she doesn’t need Brienne’s protection at all – Arya could kill anyone who gets in her way. The Hound smiles wistfully: “Won’t be me.” They walk in together in contented silence. Bronn and Tyrion banter, and though they've chosen different sides for different reasons, they're both glad to see the other. THE FEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone reports to their side under the awnings Cersei has set up in the middle of the decrepit arena. Because the actor who plays Bronn and the actress who plays Cersei used to be romantically involved and fucking hate each other in real life and it’s no joke in their contracts that they don’t have to have scenes together, Bronn and Pod leave the area so the big guns can duke it out – and so Pod can bless a few more prostitutes with his magic penis.

The following scene was excellent – clearly an homage to the Western, where gunslingers are meeting up to cut a deal but are all obviously wary and suspicious of everyone else. They're all giving everyone else shifty eyes waiting for Cersei and her entourage to show up, wondering if she’s going to pull a Sept of Baelor on them. The Hound is particularly twitchy; he fled KL because he didn’t want to die there. He grumbles to Tyrion: “Am I going to die here?” He then scoffs this whole idiot plan was Tyrion’s idea, and that every bad idea there’s been some Lannister cunt been behind it. “With a Clegane there to help carry it out,” Tryion snips back as Cersei, Jaime, the Mountain and company arrive and filter into their seats.

The Hound wastes zero time – once Cersei’s ass is in her chair he confronts his zombified brother. “Remember me?” he sneers into the Mountain’s blue face. “I’m coming for you, bitch.” Then he leaves – to get the wight in the crate, of course, but to everyone else it looks like he just dropped a mic. CLEGANEBOWL CONFIRMED SEASON 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m fucken STOKED.

They all sit and fidget for a few minutes, and then Dany rides in on Drogon, Rheagal soaring overhead. Drogon does some roaring and does an intimidating crawl into the pit to drop off his Mom – Team Cersei recoils, except Cersei herself, who had been bracing for this. She does a great job of seeming unimpressed. Once Dany is seated, Cersei drips with disdain like an asshole manager at a company meeting: “We’ve all been waiting for quite a while.” Dany: “My apologies.”

Euron spots Theon and creates his own opportunity to show off, taunting that he still has Yara and if Theon doesn’t come forth and submit to him ASAP he’ll kill her. Tyrion intervenes and the obligatory imp jokes are made, which Tyrion and Theon brush off as weak and unoriginal. “You never explain [the joke]” Tyrion rolls his eyes. Jaime has no patience so he tells Euron to sit the fuck down, so then Cersei seems pissed at being upstaged;  tells Euron if he doesn’t obey she’ll sick the Mountain on him. He complies. Ick, what a douchebag.

Tyrion continues: We don’t like each other. We’ve conspired against and killed each other’s families. But legit: we have to table these beefs because the threat is real. Jon’s turn to toss in his catchphrase: “It’s about living, period.” Because, as Tyrion puts it, “no conversation will erase the past fifty years” it’s best to just show Cersei the danger.

The Hound returns with the crate, and carefully opens it. When nothing happens, he unsheathes his sword and kicks over the box – and the wight goes nuts; takes off like a shot right at Cersei, which definitely does disturb her. Lena Headey’s acting is superb here. There’s a chain on the wight so it doesn’t reach her before the Hound yanks on it – he cuts the wight in half, but it’s still moving. You can practically see Qyburn getting a boner at the death magic he’s witnessing – he picks up the hand of the wight which skidded away, fingers still moving, staring in wonder. He passes it off to Jon, who demonstrates that the wights can be killed with fire or dragonglass (he stabs the top half of the wight in the head with a dragonglass blade).

Jaime is horrified – Dany confesses she didn’t believe it until she witnessed the Army of the Dead herself. He asks how many strong they are – she says 100,000 at least. Euron is squirming too – he asks: can they swim? Dany says no – little does Team Living know about the mer-wights who must have sunk to the bottom of the lake beyond the wall to dredge up her dead baby.

That’s all Euron needed to hear to change his mind, apparently – he says that of all the shit he’s seen on the seas this is the only thing that scares him so he’s OUT – deuces! He leers at Dany that he’ll be going back to his island and she should return to hers, and after the Dead overrun the continent they’ll be the only rulers left alive (to repopulate the planet, is the implication). He takes off – and I was glad to see him go, but I suspect he’s full of shit, because Euron isn’t the “ooooh I’m scared” type, and Cersei isn’t the type of controlling bitch who would just let her armada sail off with no complaint. This is fishy (sorry, couldn’t resist).

Cersei says she accepts the truce, seeing that they aren’t lying, on one condition: Jon must remain north, and remain NEUTRAL in the battle that will determine who the Queen of Westeros will be once the Dead are defeated. She says she trusts the word of Ned Stark’s son, but would never trust Team Dany.

This puts Jon in a very uncomfortable position – he already bent the knee to Dany, not that either of them told anyone else because it was a really intimate moment. But Jon can’t help it – Ned may not actually be Jon’s father, but he was his daddy: so Jon full on Ned Starks the situation to remain truthful and confesses he cannot serve two Queens, he’s already pledged to Dany. Cersei flips the figurative table and tells them they’re shit out of luck and storms out.

Couldn't resist...

 

Everyone is wincing and staring at Jon like he just bitch slapped Cersei – because he did just royally fuck the plan. Brienne dashes after Jaime and argues with him – talk to her! “To say what?” Jaime snivels, because WHIPPED. They glare at each other as Jaime loyally trails his sister-girlfriend, even though he knows she’s in the wrong. Dany scolds Jon – she knows he was just being earnest but his admission blew up their plans. Tyrion says lying is sometimes necessary to get things done, but Jon progressively sticks up for truth in principle because when words have no meaning, nothing can be relied upon. Oh, politics – if only Jon knew about Bernie Sanders: being honorable doesn’t get you far when lying fuckers run the game.

Tyrion decides the only way to save the planet is to throw himself in the lion’s den – he goes to face off against Cersei. Tyrion and Jaime tentatively say farewell outside of her private quarters because this may be Tyrion’s last hurrah – and then brother and sister face off in a flurry of bitter and hateful dialogue. This fight has been 3 seasons in the making, and it doesn’t disappoint. It’s also quite sad – Cersei concedes that Tyrion may not have killed Joffrey, but she still holds him responsible for Tywin, Myrcella, and Tommen. This is bullshit, of course: the only death he’s truly responsible for here is Tywin. I put Tommen squarely on Cersei – and Myrcella was all Ellaria Sand, who is still probably wasting away in the dungeon beneath their feet.  Tyrion is pained by the deaths of the children, and is in fact very remorseful about killing their dad – but Tywin meant to sacrifice Tyrion and had mistreated him his whole life, so he wasn’t that sorry. They share some wine – or at least, Tyrion pours Cersei and himself a glass, she doesn’t imbibe. HINT. She hates him for destroying the future of their house, and he asks if there is no future – why is he still here? There was a showdown in which Cersei very badly wanted to give the Mountain the go-ahead to kill Tyrion and he played chicken along with her – and she controlled herself for strategic reasons; but she could have slaughtered him then and didn't. She manipulates Tyrion during a monologue about not giving a flying fuck about making the world a better place – which is the very reason Tyrion says he’s thrown his lot in with Daenerys – she only cares about her family. She says this while clutching her belly – which Tyrion deduces quickly as: Cersei is pregnant. Cersei is no feminist icon – she’s a scheming selfish bitch who admits she doesn’t care if the world burns down around her so long as she and the few people she cares about are ok, and she uses her fetus to play her sympathetic brother like a fiddle to sell her next con. I don’t doubt she is pregnant, by the way – I guarantee she’ll miscarry sometime next season, because as per the prophecy Cersei will only have three kids, and all three were born and have died already. I am no feminist icon either – I’ll smile when it happens too. #sorrynotsorry.

While this is happening, Dany and Jon sift through the small dragon fossils littering the arena. She tells him that the construction of this pit was the beginning of the end for the Targaryens – for their unknown shared lineage. “A dragon is not a slave” – but that’s what happened to the dragons the Targaryens caged here for the safety of the city. This practice made the dragons ever smaller – and the political influence of her ancestors smaller too. She says in plain words that she cannot have children. Jon asks how she could possibly know that? Dany: “The witch who murdered my husband told me.” Jon: “….don’t you think the witch may have been biased?” Either way, Jon admits his political error: “We’re fucked.”

But wait! Tyrion is back, and in once piece! And Cersei and company are behind him! Can I also just say, if you put Cersei’s getup on a runway model in 2017 I wouldn’t have blinked an eye – she looks thoroughly 21^st Century badbitch. Kudos. Cersei says she will send the Lannister army North with Team Living with no conditions – remember I did ya’ll a solid when this is over, k? My face:

 

Back in Winterfell, Littlefinger is pitting Arya against Sansa as they discuss Jon’s letter, which informs her he bent the knee to Dany. Littlefinger says Jon’s motivation is quite simple – he is a young king, and Dany is a young beautiful Queen – it’s a logical alliance. He stops implying she should overthrow Jon and says it blatantly – you can un-king him. Sansa is worried that Arya would kill her for such a transgression – she used to be a Faceless Man, dontchaknow? I will confess – having not seen Arya and Littlefinger in the same room at the same time in a couple episodes, I was unsure if this was actually Baelish, or Arya wearing his face. He teaches Sansa his own mind game – what’s the worst thing an enemy could want? As in: what’s the worst thing Arya could do to Sansa? Sansa thinks: kill me, for betraying my family. Baelish continues: how believable is her motivation for killing you? What would she gain? Sansa deduces: if I am dead, she becomes the Lady of Winterfell. Sansa seems mad paranoid now – but the scales have tipped and I know Sansa won’t be fooled by Littlefinger any longer. Arya told Sansa herself – she never wanted to be a lady. She doesn’t want Sansa’s job – she wants Sansa to be loyal to her family (Jon).

On Dragonstone (because KL and DS are like, four miles away from each other I guess), Jorah is worried Dany will get picked off by an angry northerner en route to Winterfell – he pleads with her to fly north. But his place is the friendzone, so Dany goes along with Jon’s plan, which is the better one – we should travel together to be seen as equals and allies, by boat to White Harbor in the North, at least. Look at Jon, lining up a chance to hook up! Poor Jorah….

A completely unnecessary exchange occurs between Theon and Jon. This was totally wasted airtime, IMHO – who gives any fucks about Theon anymore? Anyone? Anyone? NO ONE CARES! I wanna know what the fuck happened to Gendry because he’s absent again – more Gendry, less Theon! It was mostly a chance to show Jon is very much Ned’s successor because even though they’re really uncle and nephew, they are the same in their honor and willingness to turn the other cheek. Jon forgives Theon for the transgressions against his family, and tells him to get the hell out of dodge to save his sister, and then Theon comically retakes the few men still loyal to Yara by not being defeated by a few kicks to the crotch (MOTHERFUCKER – I GOT NO JUNK). I don’t care at all if Yara is saved or not, but I guess Theon should be given a chance to redeem himself since there’s no way Euron is gone from the final season of the show.

On the ramparts at Winterfell, Sansa sends for Arya – who enters a great hall lined with the Knights of the Vale, with Sansa and Bran at the head table, Littlefinger snickering off to the side. Arya sizes up the room and basically tells Sansa that whatever shit she’s about to pull she better get on with it – she gives no fucks. I was a little nervous until Sansa read the charges – murder and treason. Arya's murders are unknown to Sansa (but probably not to Bran) – whose murder would she be charged with? Sansa cares very little for Walder Frey because of the Red Wedding – fuck him, right? Turns out the charges are actually for LITTLEFINGER!!! When I say I was literally screaming and cheering and dancing in my living room at the pure schadenfreude-ism of it all, you can ask my 3 year old and he’ll tell you I scared him with my reaction. Sansa’s take down was glorious – Baelish pushed Lysa Arryn through the moondoor – does he deny it? He gave Lysa the poison that killed her husband Jon Arryn – does he deny it? He also plotted to kill Brandon Stark and blamed the assassination attempt on Tyrion, kicking off the whole War of the Five Kings – does he deny it? Bran chimes in at one point when Ned comes up – “You held a knife to his throat and told him he shouldn't have trusted you!” He pitted Lysa and Catelyn against each other, just as he tried to do with Sansa and Arya – fucking try to deny it, bitch! She tosses it out there that despite his claims to have loved her mother and loved her, he sold her to the Boltons. She then turns his own words on him and thanks him for his many lessons – Sansa is a slow learner, you see, but she finally learned. He grovels like the worm he is at the Lords of the Vale, but they turn on him – they’re loyal to Robyn Arryn, of course, who is Sansa’s kin, and Sansa’s not a lying scheming criminal so fuck Baelish. Sansa sums up by reminding him that the world is an unjust place – but she’s making justice, and passing judgment on his ass. She gives Arya the go ahead, and while Littlefinger is on his knees she slits his throat with the very blade that started this whole mess. He keels over and the attitude in the hall is simply ‘meh.’

I don’t give a rat’s ass about sports – but this in this moment I fully experienced the elation and glory of a win that didn’t belong to me. GOT is my spectator sport. DING DONG: THE DICK IS DEAD. Later, Sansa and Arya are shown to be peacefully coexisting, content with their familial roles, even if Arya is “strange and annoying,” by Sansa’s standards. How quaint! I still don’t like Sansa – but I do finally respect her.

From that high we come down to Jaime Lannister talking over the logistics of marching north with his generals, whom Cersei dismisses to berate Jamie for his naivety. “You always were the stupidest Lannister,” she sneers at him, yelling that there’s no way she’s sending a single person to help Team Living – she lied. Jaime is floored – you can see in his face how surreal the moment is, because he gets it – their personal bullshit is meaningless if human life is in danger of extinction! Cersei wants to let the Army of the Dead slaughter their enemies so that whoever wins will be weaker by the time they make it back down south, and Jaime rightly throws up his hand(s) and screams “If the Dead win, we’ll all be dead!”

She brushes the threat off, saying that even if the Dead win, the Crown has MONEY! Because money can buy the Golden Company and surely they can defeat the DEAD! In fact – Euron is off picking them up now, his performance at the armistice was a clever ruse to justify the disappearance of his fleet! Jaime looks about ready to backhand her, and I really wish he would have – he’s destroyed that she plotted to undermine the truce without consulting him, with Euron of all fuckboys. He says he’s leaving if she’s committed to this folly, and she tells him he’s expendable because she has their baby to live for – she even tells the Mountain to weapon up to cut Jaime down. I honestly was scared Jaime was about to bite it – Cersei has gone complete darkside. “No one walks away from me,” she threatens like an abusive monster husband in a cheesy Lifetime Original movie. But that’s what she lets him do – Jaime leaves King’s Landing in plainclothes, hiding his golden hand under a glove as snow starts to fall on the city. He’s headed north, likely to warn Tyrion about Cersei’s treachery. I was so relieved  - Jaime and Sansa are both slow learners, perhaps – but they’ve both acknowledged their shitty relationships with backstabby-people and resolved to fix the mess they’ve made as individuals.

Tying up one last loose end (since we don’t get to see Gendry at all L) – guess who comes rolling into Winterfell? It’s our friendly neighborhood Tarly, Sam, who seeks an immediate audience with Bran. The exchange is mostly humorous:

• Sam: I dunno if you remember me, Bran, but –
• Bran: I remember everything. I’m the Three-Eyed Raven.
• Sam:…. I have no idea what that means.
• Bran: I can see the past, and present, but because I’m lazy – what are you doing here? (notice he left out the future)
• Sam: I came to help Jon!
• Bran: Oh, good – he’s on the way with Daenerys the Dragon Queen.
• Sam: Woah, you can see that happening right now?
• Bran: (holds up note) Naw, man – he sent a raven.

Bran does bring up the fact that they have to tell Jon the truth about his origins – that he’s not a Snow bastard, but a Sand bastard, because he was born to Lyanna Stark in the South, sired by Rhaegar Targaryen. BUT WAIT – Sam gushes – HE’S NOT A ‘SAND’ – he’s a full blown TARGARYEN, because Sam translated a High Septon’s diary back in the Citadel that said Rhaegar annulled his marriage to his first wife and married Lyanna  - which Bran promptly goes back to witness through greensight now that he knows what to look for. He also goes back to see that Jon’s true name – whispered by Lyanna into Ned’s ear at the Tower of Joy- is Aegon Targaryen – because Rhaegar was the sort of fucking asshole that would give both of his sons the same exact name. What the fuck, dude? Just because you just disinherited the first kid doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist!!! Also: Sam, you better worship the fucking ground Gilly walks on because you KNOW you didn’t make that discovery, but you damn sure took credit for it!

Bran states the obvious through voiceover that Robert’s Rebellion, then, was based on a lie –Jon is the true heir to the Iron Throne through a legitimate marriage of Dany’s oldest brother– just as Jon and Dany finally get it on on the ship to White Harbor. #BOATCEST didn’t bother me at all –it got me a full shot of Kit Harrington’s backside, SO IT WAS WORTH THE GROSS DRAMATIC IRONY. Yep – Dany just boinked her nephew. Tyrion knows what's what (not the incest part obvi)– he sulks down the hallway from Dany’s room were the Dragon is getting it on with the ‘Wolf.’ Perhaps he’s concerned about the possibility of complications that could arise should Dany’s infertility turn out to be a cruel lie… Bran is determined to reveal Jon’s true heritage to him – but I honestly feel like when Jon finds out, it’s not going to become public knowledge. He’ll probably tell Dany so she can choose whether or not she wants to be with him despite the incestuous nature of their potential relationship, and then he’ll ignore his birthright and side with the Stark side of his family – because Jon only wants to lead to serve the people of the North; he’s the least megalomaniacal regent on this show – unlike his historical namesake, the Targaryen who conquered Westeros. After the war is won, if he survives to the end (*fingers crossed*) – he’ll likely give up the title of King and make Sansa the official ruler of the North. UNLESS Dany winds up with a bun in the oven – the prophecy the witch made could be a Macbeth-level fake out, which seems ever more likely to me.  What will they do if she does wind up preggers – the heir issue from the previous episode comes to mind – that’s why I think it’s going to be a plot point next season.

Survival is tenuous for them all – the episode ends with Tormund and Beric on the lookout at Eastwatch, where their worst nightmare comes to life – the Army of the Dead is at the gate, and White-Viserion swoops in and BURNS A MOTHERFUCKING WHOLE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING WALL. This implies that dragonfire in and of itself contains magic or is able to undo magic because good ol’ Uncle Coldhands once told us that the Wall may be a massive feat of labor but it’s been effective for 8000 years thanks to magic that was woven into it’s base by the Children of the Forest. It would seem the Night King’s ploy at the lake was a trap to get his hands on a dragon after all – the dragonfire was exactly what he needed to blast his way through – Viserion halves a chunk of the Wall, causing it all to collapse in on itself into the sea, leaving enough space for the Dead to amble slowly south into Westeros, unchecked. I was beside myself worried that Tormund was a goner (“take Beric instead!!!!!!!!!!!!”), but he survives the attack – hopefully he and the others can run along the length of remaining Wall to get out the word. It ends on a major bummer – shit just got extra real.

This also gives more credence to the fan theory that the Night King is Bran Stark, through some sort of  closed loop greenseeing time continuum gimmick. How else would the Night King know where to be at the right place at the right time EVERYTIME, why else would he have let Jon live when he could have killed him at least twice before now, if Bran is correct that greenseers can’t reliably see into the future, how else would the Night King have known where to lay a trap for a dragon? I think the theory makes too much sense – but it would take a lot of Back To The Futuresque exposition to explain away why/how Bran becomes evil. If that’s not the case, then the Night King must also be a greenseer himself, or perhaps a kind of god? – but the question of why he’s waited so long to dominate the world when he knows so much goes unanswered there. We’ll have to just wait and see.

I don’t know about you all, but I don’t know what to do with myself for another year waiting for the final season – aside from rewatch everything obsessively during the months in between (especially the Jon’s bare ass scene). Thanks for reading my poorly-written, stream-of-conscious reactions, and please do read again next year. Valar Morghulis.